My brain: Hey.
Me: Yes?
My brain: So I’ve been thinking. You have a lot of really successful friends.
Me: Don’t.
My brain: And you are, like, nowhere near as successful as any of them.
Me: Please let’s not do this.
My brain: So I thought we could just go over literally every single decision you’ve ever made in your life and catalog all the times you fucked up.
Me: Could you not?
My brain: Strap in. This is gonna take a while.