Hello Friends! Happy Labor Day (or as one of my college professors humorously called it, Socialist Christmas)! I hope you like freedom because this week’s McMansion definitely has…some of that!
This 1996 beauty features 4 bedrooms and 3 baths, but somehow ends up totaling almost 5000 square feet. For under $1.3 million dollars you’d think you’d get at least 5 baths.
Onwards!
Foyer
Friends, I’ve found the Jaws theme window, and, of course it’s an awkward stairwell window. Best not slam the front door too hard, lest you send those vases tumbling to the ground, where they shatter into a million pieces coating the foyer in 21 years worth of dust bunnies.
Gr8 Room
I will never not make a joke about Bullwinkle upon seeing a cruelly beheaded moose used as a centerpiece. Also that tiny little stove is negated by the tall ceilings and wall of windows. New England Winter: 1, McMansion: 0.
Dining Room
(extremely Lemony Snicket voice:) If one spends a long period of time anxiously waiting in a particularly dreadful place, such as a dentist’s office or tucked away in a municipal post office crawling with several enemy spies, one fixates on the details of said place. In the case of the dentist’s office, one might seek refuse in a particularly bawdy floral painting, or, in the case of the municipal post office crawling with several enemy spies, the increasingly heinous price of postage stamps in a desperate attempt to distract oneself from one’s dire situation.
Sitting Room
Alexa can never truly replace the hole in Jerry’s heart left by his eldest daughter’s running off with an artist.
Kitschen
Did every rural working class family get one of these catalogs or was it just mine?
This blog was looong overdue for one of my pithy generational political jokes. Also shoutout to my wealthier girl-friends growing up in the South who had to hear “how do you expect to find a husband when you [insert nonconforming behavior here]” as a method of policing deviation from the norm.
Master Bedroom
Uncle Jerry is the guy who DVRs football games and doesn’t fast forward through the commercials.
The minstrelsy sun wins the worst ‘an art’ on mcmansion hell dot com award, one I think it will hold onto for a very, very long time.
Bedroom 2
Imagine listening to The Cure in this room before answering the reader poll thanks
Basement
Folks, I’ve seen more inviting tax offices.
Anyways, we’re coming to the end of the post, which means its time for our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Time for a McMansion Hell Personality Test: Which “feature” window are YOU??
Left Window: you are passionate and intelligent, yet neurotic. Your friends worry that you won’t be able to handle the punishing amount of work you force yourself to do because you would rather be physically exhausted than have to spend ample amounts of time alone with your own insecurities.
Middle Window: You are confident and idealistic, yet neurotic. You think that your problems can be solved by yelling louder than the person you’re currently arguing with. You may have been poor at sports as a child and also have an energy drink dependency.
Right Window: You are kind and dependable, yet neurotic. You enjoy spacing out while reading difficult books, liking but never reblogging, and earnestly avoiding cable news. You may have a penchant for emotionally unavailable romantic partners and ignoring your newly bought cookbooks in lieu of a good old-fashioned round of takeout (your fifth this week.)
I got..all three of these, wow!
That’s it for this week’s post folks! Be sure to stay tuned tomorrow for our special NEW JERSEY McMansion, and this weekend for another installment of Looking Around!
OH AND ONE MORE THING
Are YOU in the Baltimore metro area?? Do you want to witness me give a live diss on McMansions and talk about my rad as hell politics in one of the 3 coffee shops I write this blog in? Well you’re in luck because Thursday, September 7th, I’ll be doing a McMansion Hell LIVE event at Red Emma’s Bookstore & Coffeehouse. More info here, if you’re up to it.
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP – I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
