rainaramsay:

Nerd: *hacker voice* I’m in

Team leader:
Good. How long?

Nerd: Not long. Just one quick query and I’ll be
gone before they know I’m here

Nerd: *regular voice* What the…?

Team leader:
Problems?

Nerd: *hacker voice* No. No. I got this

Nerd: *mutters under breath* What do you mean the
credentials aren’t… Why are you showing me the tables if I don’t have the
credentials to see them?

Nerd: *typing*

Nerd: *mutters under breath* You’re an unrecognized column name

Nerd: *typing*

Nerd: String fields can only be joined to other
string fields? It is a string field!
What else would it …. SERIAL NUMBERS ARE NOT INTEGERS!

Nerd: *typing* *muttering*

Nerd: OK, got the joins. Now just select the…
where’s the… why is this column not here?? Where else would it be?

Team leader:
Problems??

Nerd: It’s not here. The data’s not here!

Team leader:
OK, calm down. They need that information to run the company, right?

Nerd: Yes. Absolutely

Team leader: So
it has to be there somewhere. We just have to figure out where. Is there
anything you can get into that will tell you where stuff is?

Nerd: Well, I have full access to their shared
drive, which should have process documentation… let’s just… OK… here, and
… WHY DO YOU HAVE TWO SEPARATE DATABASES?

Nerd: *typing*

Nerd: Unexpected character at or near… what are
you….

Nerd: *typing* WHY WOULD YOU RUN ONE DATABASE IN
ORACLE AND ONE IN MYSQL??

Nerd: *typing*

Nerd: *typing*

Nerd: *mutters* Oh of course that’s in a third database. Because why wouldn’t it be?

Nerd: *typing*

Nerd: Why would the same company store data in Oracle, MySQL AND Postgres???

Nerd: *typing*

Nerd: *mutters* Back to the process doc…. What do
you mean “open Oracle”? Which Oracle? You have, like 7 different
Oracle databases!

Nerd: *typing*

Nerd: Oh, sure. Let’s store financial and timecard
information in the same database, but
inventory in a different database.
Because that makes sense.

Nerd: *typing*

….