headcanon:
– Tony has a wall full of Polaroid photos of him and the people he cares about
– it’s a reminder that not everyone he cares about gets killed or hurt
– and a reminder that he’s obviously doing something right bc these amazing people love him
– and ofc there are old (OLD) pics of Pepper and Rhodey and Happy around at the top of the wall
– with newer ones floating around (he loves these ones so much. it shows how far they’ve all come)
– but the pictures of Peter? they’re special to him. they’re special because his bond with Peter is unique and fatherly
– when he never thought he’d be a father
– so he takes pictures of Peter as well. like Peter’s graduation? damn straight Tony gets that because he’s so proud
– and he gets a picture during one of Peter’s b-day parties? because Peter came to the compound expecting a small thing
– but Tony throws a huge ass party for him and gets him so many things that he just wasn’t expecting? and doesn’t need? but Tony got him these
– these amazing things because he cares so so much
– so Peter isn’t expecting such a huge thing just for him and so many things so ofc he gets teary and hugs Tony
– WHO DEFINITELY HUGS BACK (Pepper and Happy and Rhodey get pics of the hug too)
– and Tony gets out this old Polaroid cam to get a picture of him and Peter
– he loves it so much. they’re so happy and Peter looks so teary and happy and Tony is too
– because goddamn, Tony may be a man of iron but his heart sure as hell ain’t, and he’ll do everything in his power to keep his family safe
– that’s what those four are to him. Family
– tony returns to earth
– and this wall
– this stupidly optimistic wall full of people he will ultimately kill with his blunders
– is still standing
– white edges and snapshots of colour, of life, fluttering in the cool a/c
– ‘not everyone he cares about gets killed or hurt’ is a thought of a naïve man, a man he ceased to be on a planet where the dust is grey and the skies are orange
– the dust seeps into his heart and his brain, and keeps his thoughts in sepia, and his emotions choked dry
– life is just an absence of death, after all, and the universe had decided he’d forgotten, gotten complacent, because tony stark doesn’t deserve a f a m i l y
– and tony can’t bear to look at this child, his child, that he f a i l e d , because tony a l w a y s misses something, he never thinks far enough ahead to stop the important things, but always far enough so that their warnings ring in his ears, too little, too late
– so he takes down the photos of Peter Parker
– and his heart is a little more like iron
– cold and impossible to crack
– and his wall is a little emptier
– just like his heart’s insides
oh
– he could never damage the photos of Peter though
– he takes them down with trembling hands with nails chewed down to the beds and cuts and scratches making every move painful
– but he takes them down so, so carefully, lifting them up from the edges and making sure they don’t rip in the slightest
– because Tony could never damage him even more
– because that’s all Tony has left of him now
– and he’d rather have some in tact photos of something warm and living
– than those last memories of Peter’s hands no longer being there to clutch at him and Peter’s terrified, wide eyes
– he might have taken those photos down from the wall but they’re in tact because goddamnit, Tony isn’t going to kill his only keepsakes of Peter as well
– and those gaps on the wall are haunting
– because the wall is missing something important
– and so is he
I’m sorry I keep making this worse
– it all goes to shit soon afterwards
– with the universe (or what’s left of it) scrambling around and trying so hard to fix the damage
– it gets a little hard to remember who you are (and why you’re still alive when you’ve lost so much. Surely a heart can only be broken so much before it stops)
– and Tony is completely catatonic
– and one day (? night?) he wakes up after passing out
– and right in front of him, untouched for over a year, and definitely not taken by him, is a picture of Peter hugging him
– and it’s just
– too much
– and he just c a n ‘ t
– what’s the point in trying when you’re just going to lose again
– but he can’t bring himself to swipe at the picture or to move it out of the way or to even move himself
– he just looks at it
– stares at it for god knows how long
– and he ran out of tears to cry a long time ago but this is damn close to doing the job
– and Tony wants so, so desperately to be able to reach out and to just see Peter one more time, tell him just how important this kid — his kid — is
– but he can’t
– and for the first time in weeks-months-who knows now
– he just. Breaks down. And it’s ugly and it’s horrible because god, it’s so real and what kind of nightmare could be like this
– and yeah, when he reaches out to the picture, his hand is shaking when his fingers brush against the image of Peter because that’s the best he’ll ever get again
– and that realisation is c r u s h i n g
– he doesn’t even know how he’s still alive (with the pain in his chest being like it is, it’s a miracle his heart hasn’t just stopped yet)
– and maybe then, at some unholy hour of the morning/afternoon/evening, alone in his labs (like he has been for days on end), with that unending pain in his chest and no tears in his eyes, he realises that he needs Peter like peter needed him
– and the world stops being paused and slowly starts back to living for Tony
– because he can’t change jack shit if the world is at a standstill
– and as the world presses play, reality comes roaring in like a winter tide, icy and brutal and unshakeably real
– it washes away the dust in his heart
– it washes away the sepia in his brain
– and he realizes that if you can’t live for yourself
– you live for those who haven’t realized that living isn’t worth it yet
– and so he carefully, oh-so-carefully, sets the picture aside
– (but only in the physical world. in his mind’s eye, that’s all he can see. his kid, sweet and happy and draped in colour, chocolate eyes always looking his way for approval)
– (his k i d , pale and stumbling, pulled to his knees by death, pleading for his life in the quiet. soft hair beneath his palm and then nothing at all and- )
– brews some coffee
– and gets to work on f i x i n g
– because that’s always been his thing, hasn’t it?
– there’s a new wall, now. one filled with strategies, and half baked plans and 3am revelations and pictures connected with red wool because peter had insisted on making one reminiscent of it long, long ago
– “It’s a conspiracy board, Mr. Stark!”
“Da- T o n y .”
“Dad?”
“T o n y .”
– because no one deserves to see their kid die
– and if he has to rip open the gates of hell to get h i s kid back?
– he tucks the picture inside his jacket.
– (keep the people you love close, and your enemies closer. no one ever mentioned the fact that the ones you love can cause you more pain than your enemies ever could.)
– iron hearts dont get burned, and his hands are far too familiar with ash.
STOP GUYS
🙂
– Tony works himself to the bone trying to get peter back
– eating and drinking and sleeping at certain intervals; enough to maximise and make the most of his time whilst keeping himself alive and well (peter wouldn’t want him to work himself to death now would he?)
– and soon enough, it’s done
– Thanos is taken care of
– and everyone comes back, slowly and painfully and where they died
– which leaves Tony on earth, and everyone else on Titan
– and he’s shitting it — how’s he gonna get there, how’s he gonna get to peter now because the ship’s busted and-
– a portal opens near him and it’s enough to remind him that Strange was with Peter and Strange has portals-!
– the guardians step through one by one, and Tony’s shaking from his panic and dread. What if it didn’t work for everyone? What if he’s still lost peter?
– someone calls his name softly, and it’s like they’re preparing to soften the blow and oh, god
– so he turns, heart in his throat and ready to turn away again
– and it’s Strange
– and in his arms? A person, swathed in the cloak
– and suddenly it’s like he’s hearing and seeing everything in person for the first time since the snap, because it’s Peter in his arms and Peter that’s breathing regularly in his sleep
– naturally he runs over to Strange, ignoring everyone around him, and just hovers over peter, not daring to touch him because what if it’s just the reality Stone? What if they lost and it’s just some sick game?
– but he sees Strange, and he sees everyone else, and he sees the Cloak and the Stones and he sees Peter
– he reaches out, hands shaking
– and his hand meets Peter’s hair
– and it feels so real (“it was so real”)
– and that’s convincing enough for him. And sure, it may take a while for Peter to wake up again (and god does it hurt to know that Peter felt every second of his death, and hurts to recognise that Peter’s going to wake up crying for a long time now) but they’re alive
– Tony can work with that, right?
– because if Peter can fix him, he can fix Peter
(friday starts a new digital photo album and Tony starts a new photo wall — both titled ‘family’)