mark-zuckerburg-x-siri-fanfic:
It’s Time to meet your Gaud
“Oh God oh God… No… This isn’t happening…” The man put a pillow against the back of your head. You could hear the click of the loaded pistol. You opened your mouth, stifling a sob to plead for mercy, but it occurred to you that it really was your fault. This sort of thing only happens in the suburbs, where you had made the choice to live. Thinking back to the day when you signed the deed to the house. It was small, but it was a nice neighborhood, and only a two hour drive from the country, out by the farmland where you always envisioned yourself. At that point, you were still under the impression that you would drive out every weekend to go fishing out by the lake, but gas prices and your own love for sleeping in late and going to bed early had their own plans. Perhaps it was worth it, though, for a stable job and fast food. Who would’ve known that you’d be laid off in a little over a year. You thought back to your childhood dreams of flying a cropduster over acres and acres of corn, wheat, and other vegetables.
If the masked figure pulled the trigger, you didn’t notice, because your life was flashing before your eyes far before your death, but you snapped out of your reminiscing when your forehead hit the polished wooden floor. Face covered in tears, sweat, and blood, you mumbled a wish to wake up from this bad dream, for everything to be back to normal.
And just like that, your wish was granted. Rays of sunlight poked through your window, bringing you awake. You groaned and wiped the cold sweat from your brow. The previous nightmare fled from your memory almost instantly, and you stood up only to close your blinds and try to get a few extra minutes of shut-eye. The dog laying at the foot of your bed had other plans, however, licking the sleep from your face.
“Hey, good morning, you… Ya must be hungry…” After scratching the animal you arose and made your way to the kitchen. “Hmm, now where is the dog food?” You searched for a while, before it occurred to you that you don’t even know what dog food looks like. Next came the realization that you’ve never purchased a dog bowl in your life, and finally, probably the most obvious thing hit you like a truck carrying several tons of bricks, you don’t own a dog.
Nevertheless, the creature nibbled on your leg. In the light of the kitchen you could see it more clearly. It didn’t have much of a face, and what it had was completely flat and without a snout, and it’s fur, or lack thereof, was the color of stomach medication. “What the fuck are you…” You whisper, and the, the *thing* began to morph and change until it was nearly six-and-a-half feet tall, with slender, boney limbs and a dry, slimey substance bathing it. “I’m Gaud.” the creature responded.
“God? You’re… God?” You managed to say, shocked, horrified, and in awe, unaware of whether you should bow, and wondering why the creator of the universe was just nibbling your leg.
“A god, yes, but my name is Gaud.” The pink thing responded.
“God, yes, thats what I said…”
“No, you’re spelling it wrong. Gaud. Gaaaauuud.”
“Spelling it wrong? How could I spell it wrong when I’m speaking?”
“I can read your mind and you’re spelling it wrong.”
You thought for a moment, rearranging and replacing letters until you finally hit the G-A-U-D combination.
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“Ok, so, you’re Gaud, and you’re a God… why are you here? In my home?”
“This isn’t your home. And even if it was your home, it isn’t your home.”
“Could you explain this to me a bit more clearly?”
“You’re dead. And this is hell. Welcome!”
Your eyes widened and your jaw fell to the floor… Literally… (This is Hell after all). You picked up your detached skull oral fragment and reattached it, before falling to the floor, holding your head in your palms. “So… Are you going to torture me for all of eternity?”
Gaud chuckled a bit. You think. “Nah, hell isn’t really like that. All the fire and brimstone stuff was just invented by the Catholic Church to stop you from being gay and stealing communion wafers.”
Gaud could tell by your subconscious thoughts that you were no closer to an understanding of the current situation than before. In fact, you were more confused than ever in your entire life, and now in your entire death.
“Here, let’s find a better place to talk.”
Gaud snapped their… appendenges… and you both appeared in a farmiliar booth. It took you a moment to realize, but this was Denny’s, and it was your favorite booth. A waiter came around to hand both you and Gaud mugs of coffee and a box of crayons for coloring. You ignored your mug and began drawing on your menu with the same vigor as when you were a child. After realizing Gaud was staring at you, you snapped out of it and sat quietly.
Gaud opened their mouth. “In ancient times, people believed that the afterlife was just like regular life, but you were with the gods. And they were right. So now, for all of eternity, you’ll be right here in this little life you built yourself, with me, Gaud.”
You looked at your menu, puzzled. “But… I don’t… Remember dieing… Did I at least die doing something heroic? Saving someone from a bank robber maybe?”
The being’s face changed to an emotion you couldn’t identify. “Actually, you died like a little bitch.”
“Oh…” You were disappointed, but not surprised.
“Here, let’s go back to your dwelling.” Gaud slapped the seat of the booth. The building giggled. “Stop that Gaud! Don’t touch my ass while mortals are here!” Gaud snapped and you reappeared together in the kitchen.
“What was that about?” You asked.
“My husband.” Gaud responded. “Ok, It’s Friday, so you should get ready for work.”
“About that…” you began. “I’ve been sorta… between jobs…”
Gaud interrupted. “Not a problem, what exactly do you do on an average day?”
“Well… I wake up, eat cereal, stare out the window, look for jobs online, make Mac n cheese, or canned beans if I’m feeling it, and then I go to sleep.”
If Gaud had eyebrows they’d be raised. “Hmm… Ok…”
You feel sudden pang of sadness, like you’d wasted your entire short life on things that really didn’t matter. And now you’re stuck here. Reliving the same day over and over and over again.
Gaud spoke. “If you could go back in time, would you change the way you live?”
You stopped and thought for a moment. “I guess not. I’ve always been sure that the decisions I’ve made were the best. It’s how my parents taught me. There’s a path to success and I followed it as close as I could.”
“And it got you killed.”
“I… suppose…”
“This is something I don’t understand about you gremli-er, humans. You all think yourselves so powerless. Y’all are basically just miniature gods. You can create, build, change, destroy, do anything really, and you choose to make situations where you have only ONE option. You might as well be termites with how you treat yourselves.”
“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter now…” You respond. Eyeing the microwave, you notice the time. “Well, it’s 11:30 AM. Time for bed…” You climb up the stairs in a truly disconsolate state, leaving Gaud in the kitchen.
You climb into bed and pull the covers over your head. Like a monster from when you were a child, Gaud opens your door with a squealing squeak, casting a haunting shadow across the bedroom.
“Hey, you still awake?”
“Yeah, Gaud, I’m awake…”
“How about tomorrow you rise from the grave and try again?”
Your face lights up. “Yeah, I’d like that. Thank you…”
Gaud chuckled. You were sure of it. “Goodnight!”
The rates of sunlight hit your face. Your neck is a bit sore, but the bullet hole is gone. There is a whispering in your ear, a disembodied voice telling you what to do. You follow it almost naturally. You take a shower, eat a hearty breakfast, and grab your keys. Driving for what felt like minutes, you reach a farmiliar country lot that you’ve never seen before. You open up the trunk and find an axe, and you begin having down trees, assembling logs, sawing and shaping, lifting and heaving. By sundown, you had built an entire 2 story log cabin. It was entirely furnished when you walked in, but you have a faint memory of building them. You lay down in your new bed, the softest thing you’ve ever say on. Cuddling gleefully with your covers, you whisper a small “Thank you, Gaudy…”
“You’re welcome…” responded a disembodied voice, echoing from the newly formed attic, the pink, haunting face speaking from the insulation of the same color. “… bitch.”
The End.
i giggled maniacally at the communion wafers bit
i can’t stop rereading this
“This is something I don’t understand about you humans. You all think yourselves so powerless. Y’all are basically just miniature gods. You can create, build, change, destroy, do anything really, and you choose to make situations where you have only ONE option.”