You’re walking through the woods in a fantasy novel when you are suddenly confronted by a Count, a Baron, a Marquis, and a Chancellor. They demand that you choose which of them is most likely to be the Evilest One of All.
To whom do you offer the Golden Apple of Villainy?
Do the wickedest thing possible and eat it yourself.
Actually I was being Contrarian and Unhelpful and for that I apologise, but I stand by my position:
What are all these chucklefucks doing out in the woods harassing random fruit-bearing civilians? They literally identify themselves by the jobs they’re clearly playing hooky from. If this gang of deplorables has hoofed it out of thier assorted fortresses and palaces to ask ME who’s the worst of the worst, I draw some conclusions:
1. They’re asking me to rank, and therefore, order them. They’re depending on me for some kind of structure here.
2. Given that these are Fantasy Woods (that are probably) in a Fantasy World, it’s good odds they’re looking to me to solve the hierarchy issue they face so they can stop squabbling and go back to enjoying the spoils of their various misdeeds.
3. At the very least, they’ve got money riding on it.
In their defense, they DID make sure to ask me to choose “Which of them is most likely to be the Evilest One of All.” So I’ll pick one of them as requested, based on how laborious thier facial-hair routine looks, but being that we’re in a Fantasy World that the Golden Apple of Villiany is capitalized, it sounds like the kind of artefact that comes with its own terms and conditions* and isn’t the kind of thing you go foisting off on any cape-wearing machevelian weirdo you meet on the highway. Besides, they only asked me to pick one, not award them the Apple.
*Not, unlike the real world Apple Corporation, curiously.
But we’re also at kind fo a crucuible here, and Fantasy Rules Of Checkov’s Gun dictate that I can’t just keep The Apple in my pocket. (It’s a fantasy world, I can have pockets big enough to keep apples in)
Since they’re looking for order, probably to end a poinless war that is causing all manner of suffering, and The Golden Apple of Villiany should go to whoever does the most Evil things. The Nature of Evil is Nebulous and Debatable, but we’ve got a few generally agreed upon axioms, namely “All Evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” Completely failing to end a civil war despite having the artefact to do so is a pretty spectacular example of Doing Nothing and therefore a spectacular triumph of Evil and since we’re having a contest I Can’t NOT eat this Most Maleficus Malus.*
*This is a trick.
I am CLEARLY not A Hero, esp if my first instinct is to Eat The Golden Apple Of Villiany. and since we’re in some kind of didactic narrative-driven fantasy world, Only A Great Hero can actually resolve this nonsense.
Destroying such a powerful artefact and ruining The One Shot these various villians had of something resembling peace (at least enough to prevent the peasants from revolting), will almost certainly escalate the situation to the point where A Great Hero will be forced into existence to deal with this gang of assholes.
Thus actually resolving the problem and reducing the overall amount of Evil.
Which isn’t very villianous of me at all, but as an idndividual action does not violate the Terms and Conditions, SUCK IT APPLE.
This entire ramble is actually just an excuse to point out that you can call The Golden Apple of Villiany a Most Maleficus Malus.