Tyrant king Gilgamesh oppresses his subjects enough that they pray to the gods to stop him. The gods create Enkidu, a furry with a sense of justice, to be Gilgamesh’s opponent and teach him humility. Enkidu gets laid and goes off to fight Gilgamesh, loses, but impresses the king enough that he decides they should be Best Friends Forever. (“YOU’RE buff, and I’M buff… with our powers combined, we could be DOUBLE BUFF!!!”)
Gilgamesh and his new furry boyfriend traipse around having adventures, being ludicrously buff, killing monsters for fun, and pissing off gods. The goddess Ishtar tries to seduce Gilgamesh, but he rebuffs her because she’s notoriously a terrible girlfriend, so she sends another monster after him and he and Enkidu rip it apart. Gilgamesh throws part of its ass at her and the gods decide Enkidu should die as vengeance.
Gilgamesh is devastated at the loss of his furry boyfriend and mourns over the body for a full week, until a maggot falls out of its nose. He’s so traumatized by this and the entire concept of death that he embarks on an Epic Quest to find the secret to immortality. At this point the plot starts to get confusing and big chunks of it are missing, but he has more adventures, meets some surprisingly friendly scorpion people, hears all about how terrible the afterlife is, etc. He maybe dies and gets buried eventually? It’s unclear.
It’s thousands of years old real person incomplete fanfic.
Gilgamesh: “Utnapishtim! Tell me the secret to immortality!”
Utnapishtim: “Okay, well, first you must overcome sleep—”
Gilgamesh: [already snoring]
The best part is that when Gil falls asleep, Utnapishtim’s wife makes a loaf of bread for each day he’s asleep and just, lays them out like a glutenous calendar. So when Gilgamesh wakes up and tries to claim that he closed his eyes for a few seconds, Utnapishtim dramatically gestures to the bread, the oldest of which is already covered in mold, as if to say, you have slept for this much bread.
I also like when a snake steals Gilgamesh’s weed.
My fanfic for the missing tablets: Gil and Enkidu team up with Darmok and Jalad to rescue Dathon and Picard on El-Adrel
