yourplayersaidwhat:

So, the Friday Game I’m in had been running for a few weeks. We had a small party consisting of a gnome rogue (me), a warforged sorcerer, a human ranger/alchemist, and a human bard. Though the party had been through some stuff together, due to some character related reasons (gnome’s a racist, ranger is dependent on potions, bard is … a bard, and the warforged takes everything literally), the group hadn’t quite been able to mesh well. Particularly when it came to combat. (Two of us had already died and been resurrected.) But, what I’m about to recount to you is the wonderful mayhem that happened once we got a FIFTH member of our little band, a human cleric.

Highlight 1:

(Setup: My gnome, upon learning the cleric was going to be joining our group, immediately set up a prank, placing a booby-trap on the door to the cleric’s room so that when he woke up that morning, he’d set off a trap that would cover him in flour if he didn’t make the dex save. He didn’t.)

DM: Alright, as you open the door of your room and step out into the hallway … a ton of flour falls over your head, covering you completely.

Cleric OOC: Hold on, I have to check to see what sort of omen this is. *rolls percentile dice*

DM: And?

Cleric OOC: It’s a good omen! ((He’d been rolling bad omens until then.))

Party: *bursts into fits of laughter*

Ranger OOC: I see this right? I’m in the hallway, going to my room. I f’n see this, don’t I?

DM: Not only do you see this priest get covered in the flour prank you know that the gnome set up, you also see him pause for a moment and then nod to himself and say, “Good omen.”

Party: *begins to die of laughter*

Ranger: *rolls their eyes* And you said I was the weird one. *walks into their room*

(The Cleric continues the rest of the session still covered in flour, having not even bothered to try and clean it off.)

Highlight 2:

(Setup: The party is sitting down and discussing how to best deal with the threat of the goblin warband that had formed just outside the village. My gnome had been slinging insults at the cleric most of the morning and was far too pleased with the prank’s success. Side note: My gnome DESPISES goblins to her very core.)

Cleric: So sorry, but I’m afraid I don’t really know much about goblins, you see. Would someone mind telling me a bit more about them? Should I be worried?

Me: (attempting to frighten the cleric) *grins* Oh, goblins are vicious. They’ll rip your throat out as soon as look at you.

Cleric: *immediately and without thinking* Kinda like you then? *eyes go wide as he realizes what he said*

Entire table: *a mix of shocked faces and people holding back laughter as I reel back in shock*

Me: *raises eyebrows and fixes the Cleric with a death glare* … Excuse me?

Cleric: I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!

(I proceeded to glare daggers at the Cleric throughout the rest of the strategy meeting.)

Highlight 3:

(Setup: We’d made our way to the goblin caves, implementing a strategy of distraction to lure most of the goblins away from where we’d be infiltrating. We were inside the caves, having killed a couple of goblins already when two wolves came out of the darkness. One had already been shot with a crossbow bolt, and our bard had been holding his action to do vicious mockery on the next enemy that came into range.)

DM: *moving the pieces across the play mat* So the wolves charge forward and-

Bard OOC: Oh! I was holding my action! Can I do a vicious mockery?!

DM: Okay, which one do you mock? They’re charging at the same time, so they come into range at the same time.

Bard OOC: Does it matter?

DM: Well, one has a crossbow bolt sticking out of its side where the gnome had shot it, and the other one hasn’t been hit by anything yet.

Bard OOC: I’ll mock the one that the gnome hit.

DM: Mock away.

Bard: Hey wolf! You’re so stupid! You let stupid orange morons ((Referring to the goblins)) tell you what to do!

DM: *rolls the saving throw* And it failed the saving throw. What’s the damage?

Bard OOC: *rolls the damage* *jokingly* Please don’t tell me I demotivated it to death? *laughs*

DM: *smirks* As the wolves charge forwards, this one hears your shout. It pauses and then decides that you’re right. It takes a sudden turn and plunges into the river where it gives up and drowns.

Entire table: *laughs as the bard looks horrified*

Bard: Wait-no! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!

DM: -You cry out as you watch the wolf’s body, still covered in faerie fire wash downstream.

Bard OOC: Well now I just feel like a horrible person. I didn’t think it’d actually kill it!

Highlight 4:

(Setup: The boss of the caves has appeared behind us, the hobgoblin who has formed the other goblins into the warband. The target we decided to attempt to take out.)

DM: *as hobgoblin* You, you lot must truly have a deathwish. You come into MY home, burn down MY forest, and kill MY people without provocation- *clearly has more to this speech*

Me OOC: Yeah, my gnome is gonna try and shoot this guy in the throat.

DM: *pauses* Really?

Me OOC: Yeaah … Also, I was hiding. Am I hidden from him? Cause I’m pretty sure I get advantage and sneak attack damage if I am.

DM: What was your stealth roll again?

Me OOC: Modified 20?

DM: *rolls dice* Yeah, he doesn’t see you. Roll with advantage.

Me OOC: *hits* So, as I shoot my crossbow, I scream “For Tordek!” ((The gnome’s mentor who was killed by goblins))

DM: *sigh* You interrupt the hobgobin with your cry and the bolt hits him in the shoulder. He pauses and then laughs.

DM: *as hobgoblin* Fine then. If you want to hasten your death …

DM: Aaand we’ll end it here for tonight.

Entire table: *groans*

(On the way home, I complained about the cliffhanger, and the DM complained about me interrupting his speech in return.)