yourplayersaidwhat:

For some context, in the Campaign I’m DMing we’ve been stuck in a maze of caves in search of a missing child, the party comes across two skeleton Minotaurs which I planned to be mini bosses. The party are very underprepared for the fight.

Bard(ooc): “uh- can I insult the Minotaur?”

Me: “sure, though I’m not sure it’ll do much”

*Bard uses vicious mockery, rolls a Nat 1*

Bard(ooc): “Shit, that’s not good.”

Me: “well, before your impending doom, what did you say to the skeleton?”

Bard: “uh- you have a very… nice… Skeletal structure.”

Me: “… Did you just flirt with the Minotaur?”

Bard(ooc): “I want it so that I failed so hard I accidentally flirted with the skeleton”

Warlock(ooc): “How’d you managed that?”

Bard(ooc): “I am capable of nonsense”

*I roll for wisdom and didn’t beat the mark by a huge gap*

Me: “Well, the Minotaur doesn’t quite understand what you said, but it was flattered anyway. Congrats you just seduced a pile of bones”

Bard(ooc): “Oh shit, well um… Do I have a charisma bonus on her now?”

Me(ooc): “I guess so. Also the other Minotaur was her husband, he is now jealous and wants to kill you, plus he has a strength bonus on you.”

Bard: “Aw shit. Uh- I’m running behind this rock, I’m not moving and no one can tell me otherwise”

Knight: “Help us you coward!”

Bard: “you probably got this!”

*a round passes and it is the Bard’s turn again, the rest of the party are almost dead*

Barbarian: “so our fate rests with the bard?”

Warlock: “Our journey is over.”

Bard: “I convince the skeleton to kill her husband, and then herself”

Me(ooc): “wait what?”

Bard: “you heard me! Don’t question it sky narrator!”

*she rolls 18 persuasion. I roll a 5 wisdom and sigh in defeat*

Me: “She proceeds to decapitate the other skeleton, and then herself. The two collapse in a heap of bones. You’ve won.”

Barbarian(ooc): “you can’t be serious”

Warlock(ooc): “Never thought I’d see the day that ‘Bard’ actually helps us in a fight.”

Knight(ooc): “We won by telling it to go kill itself.”

Bard: “I play my victory song on my sacbutt(trombone)”

*my friend proceeds to pull out her actual trombone and play Final Countdown as me and the rest of the party contemplate life*