As a self-respecting Twin Peaks fan seduced by the PNW, I’ve been to Twede’s Cafe, the real-life setting for the Double R Diner, a few times. It breaks my heart that their cherry pie is atrocious. It’s absolutely the worst pie I’ve ever eaten. Logically, I understand that they could sell wedges of cardboard to customers and they would stay comfortably in business (this is hardly hyperbole), but… just think! They could sell good pies. They could sell great pies.
I’ve spoken to people who have gone to Twede’s Cafe and walked away pleased with their slices of cherry pies and my heart has broken for them, over and over. These are people who have never eaten a good pie in all their years and go through life without knowing the taste of pie that’s actually worthwhile. There are pies that spark delight! There are pies you remember! Once you have eaten a real pie, all others taste like sawdust and misery and can only be choked down with a great deal of self-control and determination. I want to take everyone who has ever enjoyed a “pie” at Twede’s Cafe by the hand and lead them into my kitchen for an initiation ritual into self-respect. Do not lose hope. There are good pies out there, waiting for you—they’re real and you can find them if you are patient.
I could give you a recipe but I don’t think it would help. Baking is a science, but making a pie is a spiritual experience. You have to listen to the ingredients as you make it or else it won’t turn out right. In order to bake a good pie, you have to know it before it exists, like a sculpture, or a painting on a canvas. Before you can create a great pie, you must experience pie. I am giving you a quest: accept it, and go forth into the world seeking One Great Pie (you will know it when you meet it), or live forever in the eternal darkness of the forsaken tongue.
