An annotated list of fucks I do not give
1. Right now there are maybe seven billion people in the world, and no doubt there is a lot of leeway in the estimates we could make, but let us say that a hundred million of those people are fucking. That is a lot of fucks. I do not give any of those fucks.
2. Consider also the bears, doing in the woods what bears have done in woods since time immemorial, which is to say fucking. Or the squirrels, or the wolves, or those little brown fuzzy creatures that live in holes, or anything else for that matter that has got down to it in the cosy, pine-scented dusk. I do not give their fucks either.
3. You know when you see fucking dragonflies float past, happily oblivious to the world? Also not those.
4. In fact the sum total of insect fucks are fucks I do not give. Chitinous beetlefucks? Nope. Fluttering butterflyfucks? Nope. Double-dotted ladybirdfucks? Nope. There are insects in the world undiscovered by humanity whose fucks I do not give.
5. They say that in the city you are never more than ten metres from fucking rats. The quiet, homely fucks of these rats in their rat-niches are also fucks that I do not give.
6. This fuck, that fuck and the other and so on. These happy fucks that I will keep in my memory and treasure, taking them out from time to time to admire. These fucks are mine and I am definitely not giving them.
7. The slowest, loudest, most zoo-patron-embarrassing tortoisefuck.
8. Alien fucks, all across the Universe, comprising: oddly mundane fucks beneath triple stars; the fucking of beings identical to humans but for their oddly lumpy faces; those of a nature tentacular, spectacular and strange; fucks barely comprehendable; those romping through ammonia oceans in the sixteenth dimension; the void-spanning fuckery of intergalactic space narwhals; and others.
9. Then there are various fucks of a metaphorical nature, for example: the fucking of the populace by politicians; the fucking of the planet by humanity; the fucking of humanity by fate. I do not give any of those fucks either.
10. And also all other fucks. Which means, alas, that I am all out of fucks to give.
- I do not give a fuck that’s green
- or purple, red, aquamarine
- I do not give a fuck that’s blue
- I give no fucks of any hue
- I do not give a fuck that’s bright
- I do not give a fuck at night
- I do not give one on the moon
- And no, I will not give one soon
- The gnats are fucking in the park
- The bats are fucking in the dark
- The birds are fucking in the sky
- They all give fucks, but still, not I
- There’s fucking wolves and fucking horses
- Planets in their fucking courses
- Fucking ducks in a fucking row
- Fucking heat and fucking snow
- Solar flares fuck electronics
- Continents get fucked by plate tectonics
- Indoor fucks are safe and sound
- While lightning fucks the sky and ground
- Outdoor fucks can be quite hot
- Provided that you don’t get caught
- (Keep in mind that if you do
- A judge might fuck you over, too)
- TV hosts, fuck all they say
- And Congress fucks the USA
- So many ways you cannot list ‘em
- Protestors say “fuck the system”
- Drillers bust a fucking bit
- And junkies take a fucking hit
- CERN tracks down the fucking Higgs
- And truckers drive big fucking rigs
- Harry Potter has fucking magic
- Much of Tolkien is fucking tragic
- Shaggy runs with “fuck this, Scoob!”
- And Comcast fucks you without lube
- Fate has fucked or fragged or fisted
- Everything that ever existed
- Meming fucked up “crunch” to “cronch”
- An O-ring fucked a shuttle launch
- Marketing fucked over Bing
- There’s fucking fucks in everything
- From supernovas to the zoo
- It started with the Big Bang, too
- These fucks are fucking everywhere
- Beneath the ground and in the air
- In all the world in which we live
- But fuck it, there’s no fucks to give.
I am speechless.
This post actually made me give a fuck.