Category: Uncategorized

Oath of Doom

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brucesterling:

https://techcrunch.com/2018/12/04/why-oath-keeps-tumblring/

TechCrunch is experimenting with new content forms. This is a rough draft of something new – provide your feedback directly to the author (Danny at danny@techcrunch.com) if you like or hate something here.

My three word Oath? I’m with stupid

It goes without saying that this piece about my employer is my work alone, doesn’t reflect management’s views, and is done under the auspices of TechCrunch’s independent editorial voice. No usage of internal information is assumed or implied.

This is a piece about TechCrunch’s parent company, formerly known as “Oath:” (okay just Oath, but who am I to flout a mandatory colon?) and now ReBranded™ as Verizon Media Group / Oath (See what they did there? They literally slashed Oath. Poetic).

Oath is essentially the creature of Frankenstein, a corporate alchemy experiment to fuse the properties of the companies formerly known as AOL and Yahoo into the larger behemoth known as Verizon. You can feel the terrible synergy emanating from the multiple firewalls it takes to get to our corporate resources.

Oath has a problem:* it needs to grow for Wall Street to be happy and for Verizon not to neuter it, but it has an incredible penchant for making product decisions that turn users off. Oath’s year over year revenues last quarter were down 6.9%, driven by extreme competition from digital ad leaders Google and Facebook.

The solution apparently? Give away page views. If that logic makes sense, well then, maybe you should fill out a job application.

The kerfuffle is over Tumblr, which is among Oath’s most important brands, in that people actually know what it is and kind of still like it. Tumblr, which Yahoo notably acquired under Marissa Mayer back in 2013, has been something of a product orphan — one of the few true software platforms left in a world filled with editorial content like TechCrunch and HuffPost (Oath sold off Flickr earlier this year to SmugMug — which also seems to be going through its own boneheaded product decision phase).

All was well and good — well, at least quiet — in the Tumblr world until Apple pulled the plug on Tumblr’s app in the App Store a few weeks ago over claims of child porn. Now let’s be absolutely clear: child porn is abhorrent, and filtering it out of online photo sharing sites is a prime directive (and legally mandated).

But Oath has decided to do something equally obnoxious: it intends to ban anything that might be considered “adult content” starting December 17th, just in time for the holidays when purity around family gatherings is key.

In Tumblr’s policy, “Adult content primarily includes photos, videos, or GIFs that show real-life human genitals or female-presenting nipples, and any content—including photos, videos, GIFs and illustrations—that depicts sex acts.” You’ll notice the written legerdemain — “primarily” doesn’t exclude the wider world of adult-oriented content that almost invariably is going to be subsumed under this policy.

Obviously, adults (and presumably teens as well) are pissed. As users are starting to see what photos are getting flagged (hint: not the ones with porn in them), that’s only making them more angry.

Oath is attempting to compress the content moderation engineering and testing of Facebook down to a span of a few weeks. And Facebook hasn’t even figured this one out yet, which is why people are still being murdered across the world from viral messages and memes it hosts that incite ethnic hatred and genocide.

I get the pressure from Apple. I get the safety of saying “just ban all the images” à la Renaissance pope. I get the business decision of trying to maintain Tumblr’s clean image. These points are all reasonable, but they all are just useless without Tumblr’s core and long-time users.

What flummoxes me from a product perspective is that it’s not as if banning all adult content is the singular solution to the problem. There is an entire spectrum of product, policy, legal, and product cultural ingredients that could be drawn upon. There could be more age verification, better separation of “safe for children” and “meant for adults content,” and more focus on messaging to users that moderation was meant to help the product and focus audiences rather than to puritanically filter.

Or you can just kill the photos, the somehow still loyal core user base, a safe space for expression via nudity and sexuality and, well, traffic along with it. And then you look at -6.9% growth and think: huh, I wonder if there is a connection….

thegaysassyfrenchy:

squirtle-daddy:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

So I’ve been ruining my kids lives by saying “weird flex but ok” to everything and when I do it they scream no and tell me they’re running away and I made this lovely photo lemme get it

Ok so I need some help coming up with the absolute worst “to flex on” live memes ever to pretend I’m an even more really lame parent. they don’t have to make sense but they need to be absolutely awful yet believable enough that it isn’t obvious I’m intentionally trying to be more lame

Here’s the ones I came up with so far

“You ever just eat a well balanced diet and exercise daily to flex on heart disease?”

“You ever just boil chilies to flex on your eyes?”

“You ever just be cool to flex on your kids?”

“You ever just use sanitizer to flex on 99.9% of all bacteria and viruses?”

“You ever just turn all the lights and up the heater to flex on Dad?”

Catholic edition:

“You ever just like receive the sacraments frequently to flex on Satan?”

“You ever just like love your Mom to flex on Protestants?”

So I executed the first one in the kitchen then I dabbed and my son didn’t say anything he just set down his pomegranate and walked out the front door with no shoes on and now he’s walking down the street

Ok so I walked down the block and I found him

Update

Your son is named Egg.

Every part of this is hilarious

partywithponies:

earendil-elenion:

dawnofthebadpuns:

elodieunderglass:

sighinastorm:

burningmanonacid:

elodieunderglass:

I felt like I needed to clarify some things before we could continue any more conversations on this godforsaken website.

I’m very proud of the European Robin, I think I really captured it.

ALSO A DADDY LONG LEGS is different in the UK vs USA. I learned that by arguing with some Brits because they said there was a daddy long legs on the wall, i looked and only saw an insect, argued with them all for 45 minutes until we all looked it up and saw that we were both correct.

British badger:  jovial fellow, eats toast and jam.  Might invite you in for a cuppa with the Mrs.  Agricultural nuisance.

image
image

American badger: pallas cat of a wolverine.  Very defensive.  Fuck immediately off. 

image
image

Bonus African badger:  Silverback gorilla of mustelids.  Should be a cryptid.  Bro, don’t even.  You are nothing to him.

image

an extremely good post addition

uk animals: softtttt

us animals: danger spite

au animals: scary doom

honey badger: run

Any other parrot: colourful, chatty, a gaudy, happy fellow

NZ parrot:

Dull in colour, bright in mind. Will eat your tires and steal your earrings. Just in it for the laffs

European pigeon:

What ho, good chap, dapper fellow, neat, tidy, a bit silly

NZ pigeon:

Hefty boi, dumb as bricks, LORGE

Bold of you to assume all pigeons everywhere across the world aren’t dumb as bricks.

elden-12:

partywithponies:

partywithponies:

partywithponies:

Headcanon that in the new good future where Marty McFly never has his accident, he does become a famous musician, while still going on time travel adventures with Doc, and then when the internet comes along, people on forums and message boards start discovering and posting photos of people in the past who look eerily like famous rock star Marty McFly, and as time goes on, “Marty McFly is a time traveller” becomes one of the biggest and most long running memes on the internet.

When Doc finds out he freaks out and panicks and makes blog posts (because of COURSE Doc runs a blog) talking about how UTTERLY RIDICULOUS the idea of a time travelling rock star is, which the internet finds hilarious and only makes the meme spread more.

Marty meanwhile thinks the whole thing is the funniest thing ever and is just wheezing at every new forum or jokey article about it, and directly addresses the meme in interviews, bringing up this “crazy conspiracy” that people have, until eventually he can just say things like “well of course I am a time traveller” or “oh you like my hat? Thank you I got it in the 1910s”, and people just crack up, and Marty cracks up too because no-one realises that he’s not even lying.

When Marty starts doing this Doc’s blog posts get even more annoyed and passive aggressive, saying things like “even if time travel WAS possible, a SENSIBLE time traveller would KEEP OUT OF THE PUBLIC EYE and not just TELL EVERYONE LIVE ON TV”

Eventually a secondary meme starts up where people start joking “Doctor Emmett Brown is a time traveller himself and that’s why he’s so worked up about it” and Doc very nearly just deletes his blog and throws his computer in a skip.

@elbiotipo Then you should follow me, for mORE QUALITY BTTF HEADCANONS (or don’t, it’s up to you)

OH MY GOD! THIS! THIS IS PERFECT! 😀

simon-newman:

mia7437:

tanfasticanna:

I have this planner with these absolutely ridiculous pages with like “motivational” quotes on them that are just these bullshit things like “Let your heart sing” and “Always believe in your dreams”

and like that’s always struck me as such meaningless bullshit, I’ve always hated those. They’ve never had that element that truly motivates me.

So, I took matters into my own hands and I made my own artsy motivational wallpapers. Enjoy.

have i seriously lived long enough to experience the resurgence of demotivational posters’s natural evolution into shitposting motivationals

Those are the posters I can approve of.