I’m the real estate agent that sells obviously haunted houses to nice white families that want to get away from it all.
I would like to give you my business. I’m tryin to die penniless and leave nothing but a found footage film to my kids in the will
Then oh boy, do I have the forest cottage for you! Far from anyone that could help you, it has a gorgeous view of a lake where dozens of people have gone missing. There’s a rumor of a killer that raises from the water, but this place has an excellent porch
Is there a small, dark washing room in the basement corner that’s at least ten degrees colder than the rest of the house? That’s a must.
Yes. And there’s a latch window that always seems to swing open in the middle of the night.
Wonderful! I especially love how cell receptionist patchy at best, making any attempted outgoing call to the police as dramatic as possible.
I think you’ll also love how it’ll immediately become pitch black as soon as the clock strikes 5:00 pm no matter the time of year. There’s also no stars for some reason.
Did the previous owner leave any religious iconography that could slowly appear to distort and corrupt over time, or will I need to furnish that myself?
Let’s just say I definitely didn’t put these area rugs here myself to cover a few ornate symbols drawn in blood 😇
You’ve got a sale!
This post deserves so many more notes. I could not breathe the other day trying to read this out loud to my mom it was so fucking funny
There is no Royal Navy aircraft carrier – indeed no Royal Navy ship – called “HMS Britannia”, and 15 seconds on the internet would have confirmed it.
The most recent “HMS Britannia” was the Shore Establishment now called “Royal Naval College Dartmouth”. Not somewhere likely to be at risk from lighthouses…
Writer Note: fiction is much more effective when there’s a big dollop of truth mixed with the lie. “HMS Invincible”, “HMS Illustrious” or even a default name like “HMS Ark Royal” (for US purposes, think “USS Enterprise”) would have made this story work.
As it is…<operates toilet flush>
(The Royal Yacht (decommissioned) was “HMY Britannia”, more usually called Royal Yacht Britannia, and was not an aircraft carrier even for radio-controlled scale models.)
This is a good story and funny. Don’t know why Peter has to throw cold water comments on it. So petty.
Because it’s a lie, and a stupid lie that could have been a damn good lie if anyone had done their homework. (Except that it’s already got legs – US Navy vs Canadian lighthouse etc.)
Get the facts right and the lie looks good.
If the facts are checkably wrong, you’re sunk.
Even before your fictional aircraft carrier runs into your fictional lighthouse.
“The more truth you mix with a lie, the more believable it gets.”
Jeez, guys. TRY HARDER. Do your homework. Tell a lie that’ll stand up to a little stress testing, you know? (Because what’s the point, otherwise?) And learn to subject what you hear to a little more stress testing, too.
Otherwise, as you drift gently into adult life, you’ll get in the habit of believing whatever (for example) your local government tells you. And then where will we be?
And also: does the truth really hurt THAT much? You want to have that looked at.
No matter how many times I see it nor how many times the affiliations of each change, it’s still funny to me.
mmmmmkay, so lemme preface this with that I live in a small town of 2,000 people in AL
so a couple of weeks ago, the cops went to my great uncle’s house to arrest my cousin (im gonna call her K) for a “felony” (no one knows exactly why, but there is a lot of material the cops could have pulled from). once they got to the house and went up to knock on the door, and found another one of my cousins hiding place where he grew his weed plants. so then that cousin (let’s call him J). So K isnt at my great uncles house, but they caught and arrested J on a distribution and paraphernalia charge. So the cops are still looking for K, and they wind up going to her daughter’s house, to find her youngest (S) hiding her sons father, who is wanted for murder in Birmingham. So now S and her ex are arrested for that, and they picked up S’s older sister while they were there because she was on parole and was caught up with S’s shit. K still hasnt been found. The cops wind up going to my other cousin’s who live across the road from us (who are Js parents and Ks brother and sister in law) to look for K and wind up arresting my great uncle (who was at their house???? instead of his own???) because he pulled a gun on the cops, then arresting Js dad bc he punched the cop who handcuffed my great uncle. and K? she was across the street breaking into my car and stealing mywallet. the only reason we found this out is because when I went to pick my wallet up from the police station I saw all of my family’s names on the “in custody” board and my mom called the on call chief bc apparently she dated him in college and he owed her a favor.
tl;dr: all of my grandmother’s 2nd oldest brother’s family got arrested except for his son’s daughter because she moved out of this hell hole as soon as she graduated highschool
it’s 2:15 am and this is the BEST bedtime story anyone’s ever told me
Do you ever read a piece of writing advice so awful you’re not entirely sure if it’s satire or not.
If your character is an evil assassin, you might want to refer to his fingernails as daggers or stabbers.
Stabbers. Stabbers. Yep.
A jealous ex-girlfriend might have witch hooks or tentacles. Sugar- or flour-coated hands could be clues that a protagonist is a baker. Or a serial killer with a fetish.
Well this has taken an odd turn.
Use ‘hands’ too often, and the word will annoy readers. English offers a multitude of options.
Oh no.
Analyze what the hands are doing and assign a noun that suits them. In addition to the following, check the Movement section for verbs you could convert into nouns. For example, ‘boo-boo soothers’.
Get the fuck out of here.
prestidigitators
No.
shadow puppeteers
???
stranglers
WHY DOES IT KEEP COMING BACK TO MURDER
See also 300+ Words to Describe Human Skin.
I was looking for something else in my blog and found this post and absolutely lost my shit all over again lmao
If your jealous ex has tentacles you might have other problems.
