In unrelated news, Boromir is the only member of the fellowship of the ring that would have Valid Driver’s License in a Modern AU.
Sam has a Driver’s License but they drive on the other side of the road in Hobbiton so his isn’t valid in the rest of Middle Earth.
Frodo and Merry are Gays That Can Do Math, and therefore can’t Drive.
Pippin HAD a license but got it revoked due to Aggravated Shenanigans.
Gandalf CAN drive but is an insane paranoid hippie that hates both petrolum-based transportation and government paperwork. He does have a pilot’s license though. Don’t ask him to justify it unless you want a four-hour lecture on civil rights that sounds like it’s quoting law from another dimension.
Aragon can drive, quite well, but it never occured to him that he might need a license to do so on public roads. He doesn’t know about taxes either.
Gimli travels frequently but as a diplomet and royal, never was the one in the driver’s seat.
Legolas can’t be trusted to operate a blender, much less a motor vehicle. He will attempt to do so anyway.
I don’t know if you might’ve meant “taxis” in keeping with the driving theme but I am thoroughly and absolutely LOSING MY SHIT at the concept of Aragorn doesn’t know about taxes, Aragorn you’re gonna be king, Aragorn you’re supposed to know how to do these things, Aragorn this is THE MOST BASIC OF BASIC STATESMANSHIP.
And THE THING IS, I’m not certain it doesn’t also work canonically. Because like we can infer that Aragorn got most of his How To Be A King For Dummies lessons from the elves, and, well, do elves… have… taxes? It seems unlikely. (Do elves even have currency? There’s probably an answer to that one and I just don’t know it.) Somehow I can’t quite picture Galadriel going around Lothlorien like okay suckers pay up you’ve gotta pay a property tax on that tree you know.
So then he gets to Gondor and gets crowned and a few months later someone comes by and is like “how much are we taxing the peasants this year” and Aragorn panics and is just like “f…five? ……. too high? Too low?”
And I mean, who can blame the guy, he’s basically been wandering the wilderness for the majority of his life, it’s not like he’s ever really had personal property besides an improbable number of weapons, so he’s probably never, you know, paid taxes
Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Elessar, Isildur’s heir and rightful king of Gondor, is a tax dodger
You. You get this.
Like this is a Modern AU where Aragon becomes Mayor of a medium-sized mountain town*, but tbh this still holds in canonverse too imho. the first like. 3 years of Aragon Having A Real Job For The First Time That Happens To Coincidentally Be A Political Position, is him listening to people making suggestions about “So what are we taxing the pesants?” and “What’s this years Budget?” and him Turning to Arwen, one of like 4 people in all of Middle-earth with any damn sense, and saying
“Hey Babe? What’s a Budget?”
*In this AU The Riders of Rohan are a Biker Gang and Edoras is a really nice mom-and-pop convience store/bar/mechanic/tourist trap that’s been run by “King” Teddy’s family for as long as anyone can remember.
**I think i might have come up with a “Great Westen American Roadtrip LotR AU”
Help.
***The Hobbits are Canadians. I know canadians drive on the same side of the road but the Idea of Sam having an invalid lisence is hysterical.
****They found the ring in the idyllic Waterton-Galcier International peace Park/The Shire, over the border where nobody thought to look for it, and end up on a quest to take it to the hellish land of raging Monsters and unlivable condiiotns known as Mount Doom/ Phoenix Arizona.
The Prancing Pony is the Pie Place in St. Mary, Montan- IT’STWO IN THE GODDMAN MORING I KNOW AO3 GOT NOMINATED FOR A HUGO BUT I DO NOT NEED TO BE WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW.
i totally am, later, but like. when the sun is out.
Elves basically invented feudalism in Middle Earth, but like. They’re so crazy long-lived it’d be easy for an elf to amass material wealth by just not being an utter dumbass, and plus they have magic so. Do the elf-kings actually NEED anything from their vassals other than the assurance that they’ll show up with a weapon when it’s time for the next attack on Literal Satan and his Black Castle of Evil?? Do elves need to levy taxes?
And even if they do, I bet Galadriel had to go through the exact same process Aragorn did in the post above, because SHE was born in the Undying Lands where life is beautiful all the time and the trees are somehow constantly both in flower AND bearing fruit at the same time, and nobody does any labor unless they like it.
And then just to make things even worse Galadriel learned rulership from Melian, who is a Literal Angel like Gandalf and ALSO pulled all kinds of magical bullshit on her elven husband’s kingdom. What I’m saying here is the first hundred years or so of Galadriel trying to rule on her own were A Very Rocky Time for Everybody.
Which is why she made sure her daughter and grandchildren got a firm grounding in stewardship and economic theory, so they’d never have to go through that embarrassment. And lucky she did too, or Gondor’s post-war recovery would’ve been completely FUCKED.
#aragorn: hey babe what’s a budget #arwen (already dragging him off to the bedroom): god estel you’re so fucking stupid
DRAKE YOUR TAGS
well it’s 3 AM and I made coffee, and i think this Great Western Road trip AU has legs , so I did a bad overlay and discovered the Hobbits are NOT Canadians:
THEY’RE CALIFORNIANS. I like this map becuase it puts the trip in some really fun places if you fudge the route a bit:
The Shire is near Mendicino, CA
Tom Bombadil probably lives in Jackson State Forest which is a old-growth redwoods kind of place.
Bree is now Yuba City, CA
Weathertop is Smartsville, a “Historic” ghost town that seems like a place that would harbour Nazgul
Rivendell is about in Lake Tahoe, maybe Trukee.
I CAN HEAR YOU, PERSNICKETY TOLKIEN CARTOGRAPHY PEOPLE. WE’RE FUDgING THE ROUTE. WHAT? YOU WANT RIVENDELL IN FUCKING *squints at map* FALLON, NV?? IT’S WAY TO PICTURESQUE TO BE THAT FAR OUT OF THE SIERRA NEVADAS.
moving right along
Moria can literally be an abandoned uranium mine. it’s terrific.
Lothlorien is probably the
Humboldt-Toiyabe National Forest, on account of that’s the one place in Nevada that I can verify has trees.
…I think othornac is in Bakersfield, CA, which puts Fangorn in Sequoia National Park. Appropriate.
Also Rohan is mostly in the Death Valley Area. Kickass. Helms deep can be an abandonded nuclear missle silo, it’s awesome.
This does make most of Gondor the Los Angeles Basin tho. Minas Tirith is now the bustling metropolis of… Palm Springs. Hm. eh, Gondor’s kind of a shit country as is. DOES put the cave fulla ghosts in the middle of LA tho, so that’s fun.
Shelob lives in the Kofa Nat’l Wildlife refuge, which is IRL famous for it’s tarantulas.
Mt. Doom is still, of course. Phoenix, AZ.
goddamit i’m actually going to have to write this thing now.
Have been to both Fallon, NV, and Lake Tahoe, I agree that Tahoe is a MUCH more Rivendelly kind of place. Actually I went to high school in that part of Nevada (well, the first two years anyway) and it fucking sucked. That part of the southwest is, indeed, Nazgul Country.
Hey, does this mean the Easterlings Sauron imported for the final battle are, in fact, Mormons? 😀
2. @gaslightgallows uhhhhh… Well, I have pre-orders for the Family Lore Nonfiction Book out right now, but I was wondering what I was gonna do after those ship so I think I’m gonna do this. So expect Pre-orders to open Late 2019/early 2020?
Other things from the Notes:
I want to thank the Arizonians for coming out and telling me about Sunset Crater, an actual active volcano in the right part of AZ to be Mount Doom. This means that Phoenix is actually Barad-dûr.
God bless the people in the notes trying to figure out if Canon!Aragorn would actually know anything about taxes, how or even IF taxes happen in Middle-earth, and what schooling Elrond could have foisted upon Estel during intermittent and extremely distracted visits to Arwen.
Apparently drivers lisences are intenrationally Valid no matter what side of the road you learned to drive on which given my family’s expirience driving in Ireland, seems like a terrible Idea.
I’m playing it extremely fast and lose with travel times, distances, what governments may or may not exist, what year it even is and when the apocalypse occured.
JRRT built so much world he built fantasy for the next fucking century and a half so I don’t have to. Thank you, Jonald.
There was at least one Apocalypse in this AU becuase the original Series is post-apocalyptic: fallen kingdoms, fading magic, long-forgotten statuary etc. but the details of which apocalypse and how it went down have been lost to time and the collapse of widespread governance. Maybe it was a nuclear event, maybe the Wyoming Supervolcano, Maybe the Second American Civil War, maybe all 3 at the same time. Who knows? Not the Fellowship, which can barely collectively remember to not leave Frodo at the gas station.
Aragorn is a Transguy and tried out like, a zillion names before settling on Aragorn, which is why everyone he meets calls him something different
Barkeep, gesturing to the mysterious dude in the corner wearing sunglasses at night and indoors: Nobody really knows who he is, but I’ve heard him called… Strider. Pippin: what, like Homestuck?
Boromir has a VW bus that’s older than his crap father and has what he thinks are cool modifications to make it intoa camper van, but in reality he ripped out the seats and adhered coleman products to the walls with duct tape
Aragorn: “You fell!“
Gandalf: “Through fire. And water.”
Gandalf: “From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Balrog of Morgoth.”
Gimil: “For the LAST TIME-” Legolas: “Dude, don’t interrupt!” Gandalf: “Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time.
Stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as the life age of the earth.” Everyone: “Oooooh!” Gandalf: “But it was not the end. I felt light in me again. I’ve been sent back until my task is done.”
Aragorn: “Not to be a buzzkill, but I think you got high and went to a laundromat.” Gandalf: “Well. I did that too. Wonderous things they do with Bleach these days, took 30 years of grime right out!”
Boromir re-appears at the coronation wearing a sombrero and explaining that “Yeah, OK, I got shot a lot and blacked out but I got Better! Also really lost for a while.”
“Aragorn is a Transguy and tried out like, a zillion names before settling on Aragorn, which is why everyone he meets calls him something different”
@takiki16 I was gonna put the Dwimorberg pass in the abandoned, decayed and slightly readioactive remains of Disneyland
Becuase that’s the creepiest place I can think of in LA. But it also fits with the Dunlendings beign prosperous but backstabby jerks, so that’s neat.
I haven’t actually been near Yuba County in like. 15 years? so I’ve missed the drama with Yuba City/Marysville, and I’m thinking of fudging around that part of the route for more dynamic scenery anyway if you have suggestions.
Pippin: “I think I can see my house from here!” Merry: “You can probably see where the elves are schlepping off to from here.” Treebeard: “You’re facing East guys.” Saruman, in his Coroporate Skyscraper in Bakersfield, realizing Treebeard is about eye-to-roof-level: I May Have Made A Slight Miscalculation.
In unrelated news, Boromir is the only member of the fellowship of the ring that would have Valid Driver’s License in a Modern AU.
Sam has a Driver’s License but they drive on the other side of the road in Hobbiton so his isn’t valid in the rest of Middle Earth.
Frodo and Merry are Gays That Can Do Math, and therefore can’t Drive.
Pippin HAD a license but got it revoked due to Aggravated Shenanigans.
Gandalf CAN drive but is an insane paranoid hippie that hates both petrolum-based transportation and government paperwork. He does have a pilot’s license though. Don’t ask him to justify it unless you want a four-hour lecture on civil rights that sounds like it’s quoting law from another dimension.
Aragon can drive, quite well, but it never occured to him that he might need a license to do so on public roads. He doesn’t know about taxes either.
Gimli travels frequently but as a diplomet and royal, never was the one in the driver’s seat.
Legolas can’t be trusted to operate a blender, much less a motor vehicle. He will attempt to do so anyway.
I don’t know if you might’ve meant “taxis” in keeping with the driving theme but I am thoroughly and absolutely LOSING MY SHIT at the concept of Aragorn doesn’t know about taxes, Aragorn you’re gonna be king, Aragorn you’re supposed to know how to do these things, Aragorn this is THE MOST BASIC OF BASIC STATESMANSHIP.
And THE THING IS, I’m not certain it doesn’t also work canonically. Because like we can infer that Aragorn got most of his How To Be A King For Dummies lessons from the elves, and, well, do elves… have… taxes? It seems unlikely. (Do elves even have currency? There’s probably an answer to that one and I just don’t know it.) Somehow I can’t quite picture Galadriel going around Lothlorien like okay suckers pay up you’ve gotta pay a property tax on that tree you know.
So then he gets to Gondor and gets crowned and a few months later someone comes by and is like “how much are we taxing the peasants this year” and Aragorn panics and is just like “f…five? ……. too high? Too low?”
And I mean, who can blame the guy, he’s basically been wandering the wilderness for the majority of his life, it’s not like he’s ever really had personal property besides an improbable number of weapons, so he’s probably never, you know, paid taxes
Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Elessar, Isildur’s heir and rightful king of Gondor, is a tax dodger
You. You get this.
Like this is a Modern AU where Aragon becomes Mayor of a medium-sized mountain town*, but tbh this still holds in canonverse too imho. the first like. 3 years of Aragon Having A Real Job For The First Time That Happens To Coincidentally Be A Political Position, is him listening to people making suggestions about “So what are we taxing the pesants?” and “What’s this years Budget?” and him Turning to Arwen, one of like 4 people in all of Middle-earth with any damn sense, and saying
“Hey Babe? What’s a Budget?”
*In this AU The Riders of Rohan are a Biker Gang and Edoras is a really nice mom-and-pop convience store/bar/mechanic/tourist trap that’s been run by “King” Teddy’s family for as long as anyone can remember.
**I think i might have come up with a “Great Westen American Roadtrip LotR AU”
Help.
***The Hobbits are Canadians. I know canadians drive on the same side of the road but the Idea of Sam having an invalid lisence is hysterical.
****They found the ring in the idyllic Waterton-Galcier International peace Park/The Shire, over the border where nobody thought to look for it, and end up on a quest to take it to the hellish land of raging Monsters and unlivable condiiotns known as Mount Doom/ Phoenix Arizona.
The Prancing Pony is the Pie Place in St. Mary, Montan- IT’STWO IN THE GODDMAN MORING I KNOW AO3 GOT NOMINATED FOR A HUGO BUT I DO NOT NEED TO BE WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW.
i totally am, later, but like. when the sun is out.
Elves basically invented feudalism in Middle Earth, but like. They’re so crazy long-lived it’d be easy for an elf to amass material wealth by just not being an utter dumbass, and plus they have magic so. Do the elf-kings actually NEED anything from their vassals other than the assurance that they’ll show up with a weapon when it’s time for the next attack on Literal Satan and his Black Castle of Evil?? Do elves need to levy taxes?
And even if they do, I bet Galadriel had to go through the exact same process Aragorn did in the post above, because SHE was born in the Undying Lands where life is beautiful all the time and the trees are somehow constantly both in flower AND bearing fruit at the same time, and nobody does any labor unless they like it.
And then just to make things even worse Galadriel learned rulership from Melian, who is a Literal Angel like Gandalf and ALSO pulled all kinds of magical bullshit on her elven husband’s kingdom. What I’m saying here is the first hundred years or so of Galadriel trying to rule on her own were A Very Rocky Time for Everybody.
Which is why she made sure her daughter and grandchildren got a firm grounding in stewardship and economic theory, so they’d never have to go through that embarrassment. And lucky she did too, or Gondor’s post-war recovery would’ve been completely FUCKED.
#aragorn: hey babe what’s a budget #arwen (already dragging him off to the bedroom): god estel you’re so fucking stupid
DRAKE YOUR TAGS
well it’s 3 AM and I made coffee, and i think this Great Western Road trip AU has legs , so I did a bad overlay and discovered the Hobbits are NOT Canadians:
THEY’RE CALIFORNIANS. I like this map becuase it puts the trip in some really fun places if you fudge the route a bit:
The Shire is near Mendicino, CA
Tom Bombadil probably lives in Jackson State Forest which is a old-growth redwoods kind of place.
Bree is now Yuba City, CA
Weathertop is Smartsville, a “Historic” ghost town that seems like a place that would harbour Nazgul
Rivendell is about in Lake Tahoe, maybe Trukee.
I CAN HEAR YOU, PERSNICKETY TOLKIEN CARTOGRAPHY PEOPLE. WE’RE FUDgING THE ROUTE. WHAT? YOU WANT RIVENDELL IN FUCKING *squints at map* FALLON, NV?? IT’S WAY TO PICTURESQUE TO BE THAT FAR OUT OF THE SIERRA NEVADAS.
moving right along
Moria can literally be an abandoned uranium mine. it’s terrific.
Lothlorien is probably the
Humboldt-Toiyabe National Forest, on account of that’s the one place in Nevada that I can verify has trees.
…I think othornac is in Bakersfield, CA, which puts Fangorn in Sequoia National Park. Appropriate.
Also Rohan is mostly in the Death Valley Area. Kickass. Helms deep can be an abandonded nuclear missle silo, it’s awesome.
This does make most of Gondor the Los Angeles Basin tho. Minas Tirith is now the bustling metropolis of… Palm Springs. Hm. eh, Gondor’s kind of a shit country as is. DOES put the cave fulla ghosts in the middle of LA tho, so that’s fun.
Shelob lives in the Kofa Nat’l Wildlife refuge, which is IRL famous for it’s tarantulas.
Mt. Doom is still, of course. Phoenix, AZ.
goddamit i’m actually going to have to write this thing now.
Have been to both Fallon, NV, and Lake Tahoe, I agree that Tahoe is a MUCH more Rivendelly kind of place. Actually I went to high school in that part of Nevada (well, the first two years anyway) and it fucking sucked. That part of the southwest is, indeed, Nazgul Country.
Hey, does this mean the Easterlings Sauron imported for the final battle are, in fact, Mormons? 😀
I want to thank the Arizonians for coming out and telling me about Sunset Crater, an actual active volcano in the right part of AZ to be Mount Doom. This means that Phoenix is actually Barad-dûr.
God bless the people in the notes trying to figure out if Canon!Aragorn would actually know anything about taxes, how or even IF taxes happen in Middle-earth, and what schooling Elrond could have foisted upon Estel during intermittent and extremely distracted visits to Arwen.
Apparently drivers lisences are intenrationally Valid no matter what side of the road you learned to drive on which given my family’s expirience driving in Ireland, seems like a terrible Idea.
I’m playing it extremely fast and lose with travel times, distances, what governments may or may not exist, what year it even is and when the apocalypse occured.
JRRT built so much world he built fantasy for the next fucking century and a half so I don’t have to. Thank you, Jonald.
There was at least one Apocalypse in this AU becuase the original Series is post-apocalyptic: fallen kingdoms, fading magic, long-forgotten statuary etc. but the details of which apocalypse and how it went down have been lost to time and the collapse of widespread governance. Maybe it was a nuclear event, maybe the Wyoming Supervolcano, Maybe the Second American Civil War, maybe all 3 at the same time. Who knows? Not the Fellowship, which can barely collectively remember to not leave Frodo at the gas station.
Aragorn is a Transguy and tried out like, a zillion names before settling on Aragorn, which is why everyone he meets calls him something different
Barkeep, gesturing to the mysterious dude in the corner wearing sunglasses at night and indoors: Nobody really knows who he is, but I’ve heard him called… Strider. Pippin: what, like Homestuck?
Boromir has a VW bus that’s older than his crap father and has what he thinks are cool modifications to make it intoa camper van, but in reality he ripped out the seats and adhered coleman products to the walls with duct tape
Aragorn: “You fell!“
Gandalf: "Through fire. And water.”
Gandalf: “From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Balrog of Morgoth.”
Gimil: “For the LAST TIME-” Legolas: “Dude, don’t interrupt!” Gandalf: “Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time.
Stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as the life age of the earth.” Everyone: “Oooooh!” Gandalf: “But it was not the end. I felt light in me again. I’ve been sent back until my task is done.”
Aragorn: “Not to be a buzzkill, but I think you got high and went to a laundromat.” Gandalf: “Well. I did that too. Wonderous things they do with Bleach these days, took 30 years of grime right out!”
Boromir re-appears at the coronation wearing a sombrero and explaining that “Yeah, OK, I got shot a lot and blacked out but I got Better! Also really lost for a while.”
I see those Human Brain/Monkey Brain posts and I identify with them to a degree but sometimes I think my instincts are decidely more… ursine.
Human Brain: Oof, seasonal depression is really hitting me this year. Bear Brain: MUST CONSUME FIVE TIMES MY MASS IN SEAFOOD AND/OR SMALL ARTHROPODS
Human Brain: Ugh, the holidays are really stressful. Bear Brain: WHY ARE WE EVEN AWAKE RIGHT NOW WE SHOULD BE BARELY METABOLIZING IN A HOLE SOMEWHERE. GO BACK TO BED.
Human Brain: oh look my package came i should find the scissors- Bear Brain: TEAR INTO IT WITH YOUR CLAWS THAT YOU TOTALLY HAVE.
Human Brain: oh hey! it’s springtime and the bees are out again! Bear Brain: TEAR OPEN A MOTHERFUCKING BEEHIVE IT’S FUCKIN’ H O N E Y T I M E
Human Brain: oh! the cat has startled me by jumping on my shoulder! Bear Brain: SLAP THE SURPRISE. SLAP IT RIGHT ACROSS THE KITCHEN WITH YOUR MIGHTY PAWS AND SHOW HIM WHO’S BOSS. Human Brain: THAT’S THE KITTY NOOOOOOO!!!!
Something I think about from time to time is that a lot of people throughout my life have claimed I’m more uh…. “noticeable” (???) than other people. A lot of times as a kid I’d get in trouble for whispering too loudly backstage at plays and other kids and adults would rally around me and say “she was being just as quiet as everyone else” and the stage manager would say “well her voice is the only one I heard.”
Anyway it never really stuck out to me until I was living in Norway and the house was separated into the upstairs and downstairs with extremely insulated walls and a carefully sealed door because the upstairs bedrooms weren’t heated and everyone hung out downstairs in the living room by the wood stove.
And one day I came through the door and everyone in the entire living room was turned to look at me and I felt self conscious obviously and I was like “uh what….” and they looked a little confused and they all said “oh nothing” and went back to their business
But it went on like that all the time. Any time I came through a door, from upstairs or outside or the kitchen, everyone was always turned to look at me and I was always a little freaked out and they were definitely noticing it too and they’d always just sort of acknowledge it with a laugh then go back to whatever they were doing
and I started trying to walk super quietly and make no noise but it was always the same and one day one of them said
“Ok. I don’t know why, but I always know when you’re coming, even if I don’t hear you.”
He said it like it was weird, because it WAS, but then Everyone else laughed and started agreeing like “yes!!! Me too!! I know when she is coming!”
And I was obviously like hey uh what does that MEAN? Do you mean you hear me? Like distinct footsteps??
And they all said no, they just get some “sense” or “feeling” that I’m about to come through the door or come home, and they can’t explain it but they always just get the feeling to turn to look and I’ll be there and then I am. I was like hello???? But they all said I shouldn’t worry about it because ultimately it doesn’t matter and after a few more minutes they all just let it go.
But this HAUNTS me
I have the exact opposite problem where people (especially at work) won’t notice me entering a space and will get exaggeratedly startled when they see me or I speak to them. Every single time they’re like “you’re so quiet!! You snuck up on me!!” Even when I had made a deliberate effort to loudly stomp up the stairs and close the door firmly so they’d have some warning before I started talking, somehow my quiet energy overcame the actual noises I was making.
We put too many stats into charisma and stealth respectively
I also suffer from the opposite problem. I have made at least five of my coworkers jump out of their skin just this week.
My former roommate literally put a bell on me so she’d know when I was coming and going, but more importantly, when I’d gotten distracted and separated from the group.
On the other hand, I’ve been told by multiple teachers, managers and co-workers that I have an ‘aura’ or ‘presence’ that can be rather loud and intimidating esp if it’s a situation in which I’m expected to verbally participate.
Walk softly and be ready to tell a motherfucker, I guess.
I’m also the ‘unnoticeable’ sort, but it goes beyond just being able to sneak up on people with minimal effort. I’m unnoticeable in pretty much any context. On the internet, in group outings, even among friends. I once went on a school trip, and when the group of buddies I was with stopped for a bathroom break, I came out of the bathroom last and everyone was gone. I try to make friends with people I encounter with whom I happen to have something in common – I give them the means to contact me, and I never hear from them again. I try to stay in touch with certain old friends and they never respond. If I want to talk with a current friend I have to initiate the conversation.
And the really interesting part is, I’m able to trace this ‘trait’ of sorts back to a specific period of my life, before which I don’t remember dealing with the same frustration that it gives me now. I sometimes refer to this period as the time when I ‘learned invisibility’ and it amounts to a year or so of my life when all of my friends seemed to become largely unaware of my existence. After this period ended, when we all started high school, they were able to notice me again and apparently forgot that my previous state of nonexistence ever happened.
Anyway, while startling people does keep me entertained, being unnoticeable (as a minor form of invisibility) is rather overrated.
I’m also of the unnoticeable sort.
I could hide in plain sight and my parents wouldn’t be able to see me until I was ready to go inside.
I took a long time and some effort to be less unnoticeable.
Speaking loudly enough to be heard is still a struggle.
Bad News: A couple weeks ago I fell on the ice and apparently broke my tibia. And then walked on it. for like a month and a half.
Good News: I broke it exactly under where I’d broken it back in second grade and somehowre-twisted my foot back from the splayed position it’s been in for the last… 22 years.
Bad News: My pain tolerance is apparently FUCKED
PT, staring at my X-rays: “You walked on this for… a month?”
Me: “I have a dog and no yard.”
PT: “Didn’t that hurt?”
Me: “Like a 3? Mostly I was concerned when it didn’t go away after two days. I have tension headaches worse than that.”
PT: *Horrified stare*
PT: “LeTs LoOk At ThAt ShOuLdEr..!”
Good News: I have Real Health Insurance Now, so I’m going in for an MRI next week
Bad News: -Because she couldn’t figure out where to begin with my upper back. There’s. A Lot going on up there. :/
So it’s been fun lately!
Edit: I feel really good about this Physical Therapist, I’m still mostly mobile (not as flexible as I’d like but that’s likely changing soon) and able to lift, carry, cook, write, draw etc. buuuuut i get terrible migranes sometimes
This also itsn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened. I broke 2 ribs in 7th grade from coughing when I had pneumonia for the first time, cracked a wrist trying to ride a bike, have a crooked jaw from TMJ (genetic), a minor skull fracture from a different bike injury (If I didin’t have a helmet I’d be dead), and would be suprised if my right should isn’t toally befuckened from learning to throw pottery wrong.
Thing is. I’ve actually got great bone density and elasticity and given all the dumb and crazy things I’ve done, I honestly should have a lot more broken bones and/or grevious bodily injuries.
…and people wonder why I carry a first aid kit with me.
I don’t know how I ended up the healthiest one in our potential Cryptid Road Trip™ group, but I’m gonna wrap all y’all in bubble wrap before we get going.
Well, Jesus Tea* is basically Soothing Decaf Teas+Mild Spice+Vitamin-C Rich Juice+So Much Honey**.
…since concrete objects don’t have opposites per se,I’m kind of free-associating, so it comes out to something like:
Hypercaffinated Coffee+EXTREME SPICY, JUST POUR HALF A BOTTLE OF SRIRACHA IN THERE, MAYBE GRIND UP A COUPLE HABENEROS+Gin***+ just a hint some kind of artifical sweetner that may or may not cause cancer.
Which sounds like something colleage students would come up with as a hangover cure/study aid/other kind of unnatural life-aid, so it really does seem somewhat faustian so I’ll call it SATAN’S LATTE. I see from your description that you’re a programmer so lemme take a moment to do a safety psa and say DO NOT DO THIS AT ALL EVER. DON’T DO IT AT HOME. DON’T GO OVER TO A FRIEND’S HOUSE. DO NOT.
*Jesus Tea is not actually affiliated with any religion, it’s named that because it’s easy to google when you’ve got only two brain cells left from being sick.
** Jesus Tea is pleasant but innefective unless you gargle with salt water to break up the mucus in your throat/sinuses first.
*** IDK what the opposite of fruit juice is, but Gin and Juice was a favorite drink of my grandmother’s so I kind of opposite-pair the two. Also juice is nice and Gin smells like drain cleaner so flavor wise they’re probably opposites.
“YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ACQUIRING A JUVENILE!!” wailed Goeduin, clining to a not-high-enough branch of one of the columnar fungi that grew in the space station’s expansive City Park.
“I was,” sulked Human Steve, casually holding the other end of the dubiously thin-looking leash as the ‘Dog’ on the other end stood on her hind legs to sniff at Goeduin. “-But when I went home for the holidays my sister showed me this girl and, well. I just fell in love.”
Clyod thought he might find the situation amusing if his defensive reflexes hadn’t paralyized him to resemble an inedible stone, leaving him down at mouth-and-worse height.
One of my neighbors had a REALLY FAT golden retriever she adopted, that needed to be put on a diet, but even super-low-cal food wasn’t working, becuase Ella was still hungry and would open the cabinet to eat the whole bag. Vet suggested that she needed a filler Food so she could feel full without the extra calories, and suggested canned green beans, which are mostly fiber and lean protein.
Ella fucking LOVES green beans. She does a dance for them if you mention them. Her ‘sibling’ the police academy washout shepherd, thinks she’s insane.
Even if your pet doesn’t like green beans*, offering them a canned green bean is inevitably HILARIOUS becuase they’ll either be thrilled or otherwise make strange faces. Results so far:
Ella (golden retriever): Overjoyed. gets up on her hind legs to dance without prompting.
Sampson (Black shepherd): Offended, yells until you give him REAL treats.
Cody (Gentleman shepherd): is concerned, becuase this is Obviously Not Food. Gently takes it to be polite, leaves it out in the yard.
Minx (Domestic Shorthair cat): Smelly Toy Is Hilarious, batted under the couch.
Tiger (Really Fat Domestic Shorthair cat): Total disgust, hissing and sulking in the Prosciutto box. Came out and ate it later anyway.
Wanda (corn snake) we didn’t expect her to be interested but she spent like three minutes licking it.
Sadie AKA Marquis De Sade (Hyacinth Macaw) ignored bean in favor of dumping can on the floor, sticking head in can and screaming. Did not attempt to bite, which is Very Nice for her.
Arwen (Australian Kelpie): ate bean, waited until humans were out of the room to consume rest of the can, got costco-sized can stuck on face and pooped green for three days. Regets nothing.
Empanada/Anderson Cooper/#3 (Plymouth Hens): Excited screaming, kickboxing tournament over possession of beans/can. #3 was ultimately victorious, becuase She is Fattest.
Big Angus (scottish highland cow, I know, ironic): very polite and delicate acceptance of beans for appx 1700 lbs of beef, will now run full-tilt across pasture to meet me, which scared the crap out of me tbh.
Will post further updates as I am allowed to try.
*Please always cionsult a vet before making any dietary changes or offering your pet new foods, but green beans are pretty safe for most pets you can keep in America
YOU HAVE SO MANY ANIMALS
Oops! just to clarify- only Charlie, Cody and Arwen belong to my family, and the rest are pets for friends and neighbors. (I only offered green bean with their parent’s permission). I do have some Updates:
Potato (domestic shorthair cat): Disgruntles hissing, bit the crap out of his owner’s hand, dumped the can out and took the can into his kitty hole. refuses to let her remove the can.
Oingo Boingo (betta fish): Got real poofy, bit the shit out of it, discovered the beans, loved them, tore the snot out of the case for more. (Pls note: frozen beans were used for this as the sodium in canned ones can be dangerous)
Dorito (Sun Conure): Delighted shrieking, happy dance, grabbed entire bag out of owner’s hand, tore it open and threw beans everywhere. climed inside bag, ate a whole bunch before he could be retrieved and returned to his enclosure.
Maureen (Domestic Longhair Cat): Small, awed “mew” before awkwardly gnawing on it. Didn’t actually eat it, but apparently she loved chewing on them, becuase whenever someone opens the freezer, she runs over and sits up on her hind legs to bed for them.
My Chiweenie back in WA is utterly obsessed and got rather round in a way that wasn’t healthy for her back so the vet suggested green beans. She thinks they are almost as good as cheese, which was the gods gift to dogs as far as both she and I are concerned. When the can or bag is retrieved she will sit up on her short little back legs and make a garbled howl like the world’s smollest hound and then end it in a sharp, pleading bark. It is fantastically adorable.
1. That’s Adorable. 2. As many people have pointed out, canned green beans can be high in sodium, so be sure to rinse the beans off or use frozen/fresh ones, and always check with your vet before making any dietary changes. 3. UPDATES:
Ravenna and Esme (former racing greyhounds): Ravenna snarled at the bag, ripped it open and barked at the beans for five minutes until Esme started to nibble at them, then they ate a 2-lb bag of frozen beans in about twelve minuts and farted for three days.
Rozencrantz and Guildenstern (Garden Snails, kept by my Nintey-five-year-old neighbor becuase he loves them) I’ve never seen snails go bananas over something but they devoured a fresh bean each in under an hour. they now get them every Sunday.
Dennis (Tennesee Walking Horse): wonderfully gentle and lippy taking the beans from me the first time. Nearly swallowed my hand in eagerness the next time they were offered. He’s a special boy.
Hagrid (Domestic hog): *Open Maw and Demonic Shrieking as I toss them in from the other side of the fence. He’s very enthusiastic about catching them and didn’t miss one, even though I’m terrible at throwing things to the point of failing PE in high school.
You’re walking through the woods in a fantasy novel when you are suddenly confronted by a Count, a Baron, a Marquis, and a Chancellor. They demand that you choose which of them is most likely to be the Evilest One of All.
To whom do you offer the Golden Apple of Villainy?
Do the wickedest thing possible and eat it yourself.
Actually I was being Contrarian and Unhelpful and for that I apologise, but I stand by my position:
What are all these chucklefucks doing out in the woods harassing random fruit-bearing civilians? They literally identify themselves by the jobs they’re clearly playing hooky from. If this gang of deplorables has hoofed it out of thier assorted fortresses and palaces to ask ME who’s the worst of the worst, I draw some conclusions:
1. They’re asking me to rank, and therefore, order them. They’re depending on me for some kind of structure here.
2. Given that these are Fantasy Woods (that are probably) in a Fantasy World, it’s good odds they’re looking to me to solve the hierarchy issue they face so they can stop squabbling and go back to enjoying the spoils of their various misdeeds.
3. At the very least, they’ve got money riding on it.
In their defense, they DID make sure to ask me to choose “Which of them is most likely to be the Evilest One of All.” So I’ll pick one of them as requested, based on how laborious thier facial-hair routine looks, but being that we’re in a Fantasy World that the Golden Apple of Villiany is capitalized, it sounds like the kind of artefact that comes with its own terms and conditions* and isn’t the kind of thing you go foisting off on any cape-wearing machevelian weirdo you meet on the highway. Besides, they only asked me to pick one, not award them the Apple.
*Not, unlike the real world Apple Corporation, curiously.
But we’re also at kind fo a crucuible here, and Fantasy Rules Of Checkov’s Gun dictate that I can’t just keep The Apple in my pocket. (It’s a fantasy world, I can have pockets big enough to keep apples in)
Since they’re looking for order, probably to end a poinless war that is causing all manner of suffering, and The Golden Apple of Villiany should go to whoever does the most Evil things. The Nature of Evil is Nebulous and Debatable, but we’ve got a few generally agreed upon axioms, namely “All Evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” Completely failing to end a civil war despite having the artefact to do so is a pretty spectacular example of Doing Nothing and therefore a spectacular triumph of Evil and since we’re having a contest I Can’t NOT eat this Most Maleficus Malus.*
*This is a trick.
I am CLEARLY not A Hero, esp if my first instinct is to Eat The Golden Apple Of Villiany. and since we’re in some kind of didactic narrative-driven fantasy world, Only A Great Hero can actually resolve this nonsense.
Destroying such a powerful artefact and ruining The One Shot these various villians had of something resembling peace (at least enough to prevent the peasants from revolting), will almost certainly escalate the situation to the point where A Great Hero will be forced into existence to deal with this gang of assholes.
Thus actually resolving the problem and reducing the overall amount of Evil.
Which isn’t very villianous of me at all, but as an idndividual action does not violate the Terms and Conditions, SUCK IT APPLE.
This entire ramble is actually just an excuse to point out that you can call The Golden Apple of Villiany a Most Maleficus Malus.
