if you don’t know the difference between a hare and a rabbit you’ve never gazed into the cold wild eyes of a hare and known that if it could speak it would speak backwards
Jack Rabbits are North American Hares and they’re the WORST to encounter at night becuase:
You all know how big a rabbit is. Jack Rabbits and hares are much bigger. they’re the size of large cats or small dogs or just-walking-age children.
They also like to hang out in gangs of a hlf dozen to over 30.
and in the middle of backcountry dirt roads.
perhaps they’re dustbathing
or blood sacrifce
I don’t know because when you come up the road at night because your dog has a tiny bladder and needs to go out at midnight and you have no yard so you’re walking him on the dirt road around your neighborhod because you might aw well get some stargazing in, and you come just over the ridge to see a coven of twenty jackrabbits in the middle of the road
and
they
all
stand
up
not just onto all fours like a proper prey animal
No they get up on thier hind legs and don’t just sit but STAND like tiny rabbit-skinned toddlers, wobbing slightly as they stare directly at you eyes shining in your flashlight’s glow
…Blood Red.
And a chill goes through you on that warm july night because while they’re a puntable size and allegedly herbivores they’re standing and watching you just like people and you are vastly outnumbered.
everyone freezes
you’re considering your odds aganst roughly 200lbs of Suspiciously Humanoid Hare
and they’re considering their odds against you
the only sound in the never-ending high desert wind
somewhere in your peripheral vision you can see the streetlights but they seem awfully far away
The nearest Jack Rabbit
Blinks
and takes a single shuffling step
forward
You area an overdevloped monkey and your prefrontal cortex is capable of some amazing feats but it runs very slowly compared to the reflexes of a rabbit and you’re frozen as you desperately scramble for the appropriate course of action, hands feeling thick and useless, mouth dry and feet imeasurably heavy there’s no way you’d outrun THESE, god there’s a rabies outbreak going around that shit’s not curable-
The Dog
L U N G E S
It’s only the briefest of movements but the animal you’d picked out for his gangly legs and floppy ears and goofy smile is suddenly a dark shape of muscle and teeth and had flung himself at the horrible goblin rabbits faster than mere physics should dictate, appearing in the circle of the flashlight for only the briefest of moments before the jolt from the leash makes you stumble and the light falters
The Jack Rabbits
Scatter
Vanishing into the faintly starlit sagebrush in as so many faint gray shapes that might be mistaken for the dustclouds they kick up
Later, you sit on the couch disquieted
and you wonder
If the sight of the Jack Rabbits standing and studying you was frightening enough to make you yearn for the safety of the yellowed streetlights
what must it be like from thier end?
what terrifying creature
deliberately ties itself
to something so horrible
As a Dog?
@gallusrostromegalus that last bit gave me such a strong mental image I absolutely had to draw it
WELL HOLY SHIT.
CONGRATULATE, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.
is it ok if I print it out and stick it on the fridge?
Well this zoomed past 100K while I wasn’t looking but here’s a Picture of Charleston Chew, Terror of Wild Hares and Sometimes Bears:
I buried an elk head up in Kremmling last fall with the intent of digging it up in spring after most of the flesh fell off and cleaning it before mailing it off to someone and now for the life of me I can’t remember who I promised it to.
It was either @systlin@pipcomix@vampireapologist or @a-fragile-sort-of-anarchy or maybe someone else but if one of y’all doesn’t claim it by May when I go back I’m going to draw an addess out of the addresses i have on file and mail it you without warning.
I believe I gave you my address for SOME purpose and it seems likely it was this
…I think we discussed this but you held off on the address becuase you were looking at places in Georgia and weren’t sure you were going to be at your current place by the time it was ready to ship.
This is assuming the coyotes didn’t dig it up in the meantime.
Babe, for the sake of clarity my mom has asked me to put it down in public record that we do NOT want an elk head in our mailbox this spring. <3 Thank you for your consideration, I hope it goes to someone who loves it. XD
I’ll take your name out of the hat. You may reccive other cervine-related consolation prizes.
Vanishingly Smaller Categories:
People with a spare elk head
People who would think of burying it until most of the flesh falls off
People who would actually do that
And then clean it off
For a friend
People who have a friend who might want that head
People who have multiple friends who might want that head
People who have so many friends who might want an elk head that has been buried and left until most of the flesh has rotted away and then cleaned up that they forget which friend wanted it
So What Happened was-
Last November (2018) my mom and I were having wretched anxiety over politics and decied that come election day we’d vanish into the mountains with the dogs and come back tomorrow to survey the damage (we ended up being pleasantly surprised instead)
But to change things up a little, we go out to Wolford State park, just a bit north of Kremmling becuase we hadn’t been there before and even though it was november it’s still lovely out there. Mostly sagebrugh scrubland and not-quite frozen resvior but also lovely mountain views and, apparently, poachers.
We get a ways out on one of the trails with the dogs when Charlie picks up a scent and starts Very Pointedly Investigating, and Arwen’s following him because it’s easier to let the other dog do the work. Arwen ends up spotting the head first and body-checks Charlie out of the way to get it and I have to physically pry Awen’s mouth open to get the VERY fresh head out of her mouth.
Ended up being the severed head of an Elk Cow which I had to examine from arm’s length over my head becuase Arwen was EXTREMELY determined to have more fresh elk face.
“Good Grief did the coyotes do that?” Mom asks, attempting to restrain Arwen. It’s not working.
“Nah. This is tool marks on the bone here, see? Katy says people sometimes cut the heads off deer and elk if they shot a cow when they had bull tags.”
“Oh yeah people used to do that with whitetail back in Ohio. Never worked, the ranger would just check the other end.” Mom nodded. I am a weird-ass adult form of an even weirder kid so she’s gotten used to the carrion by now. “Looks like she has all her teeth. She’d make a lovely skull mount.”
“Shame we don’t have a cooler with us, we could take her back to Joanne for her beetles. Then we could do Art Things with her.”
“What kind of art things?”
“Dunno. Something in the vein of glorification though. Kind of an undignified way to go, you know?”
“Our ” Mom mused for a moment. “You’ve got a shovel in the back of your van, right? You could bury her until spring then take her to Joanne.”
“Yeah that sounds good. I’ll take the head and Charlie- where is h- CHARLESTON CHEW [SURNAME REDACTED]!”
He’d found the rest of the remains of the field-dressing and had been horking down elk viscra in the confusion. Eventually both dogs were persuaded to come back down the hill via me holding the head aloft like the final scene in Princess Mononoke and the dogs leaping for it form either side until they could be forcibly tossed into the back of the van.
It’s probably fortunate that there was nobody else in the lot to see that.
So She’s buried by a distinctive rock near one of the lots in Wolford, and I’ll go back in April or May depending on the weather to see if she’s still there. Even if I can’t find her again she at least got a proper burial.
Charlie had a vet exam and TERRIBLE farts but seemed otherwise unaffected by his surpise elk pre-sausage. Arwen gets real excited now every time she sees someone pick up a shovel.
“Hey Goediun, did you finish- ah hell, not MORE earth wildlife.”
“This planet’s completely fucked up Clyod.”
“What the fuck are THOSE?” Guenoid demanded, peering over his co-worker’s mass to squint at the pojection.
“Third-most dominant carnivore on the planet.”
“Yeah but what’s the little thing next to it?”
“Same species.”
“You’re emusifying me.”
“Absoultely not. This thing’s got the genetics from hell. Apparently they just have hundreds if not thousands of copies of any gene they might need and can suffer drastic radiation, inbreeding or rapid enviornmental selection and come out mostly functional organisms. Both of these are actually pretty far from the species average- here, this is a more common specimen.”
“Oh that’s not so bad-”
“Remember how the Humans are Pursuit predators?”
“Oh no. Don’t tell me it can do that endless “Fun Run” Human-Steve did last year for the Beeblebrox Children’s Hospital?”
“It can!” Goeduin writhed gleefully at his partner’s discomfort. “They can do continuous runs for hundreds of miles through the polar regions of the planet, and at tremendous speed! Some of them have a sustainable gallop of over 50 miles per hour!”
“What’s that in civilized Units?”
“uuuuhhh… 210?”
“FUCK.” shouted Clyod, collapsing back into the sleeping tank, though he suspected that there would be no rest for him this cycle as images of the wretched earth creature pursuing him flashed through his ganglian network.
“They’ve got a bite strength that can snap through our building materials and even human bone!” Goeduin continued, vibrating with the kind of wild humor that belied genuine terror. “Thier senses are even more accute than Human-Steve’s! It’s got his entire hearing range and then up into our ‘hypersonic’ vocal range!”
“Great, it can tear me apart after hearing me talk smack. Terrific.” Clyod sighed, dedicating himself to another round of nightmares.
“And it’s Chemosensitivity! They can track prey by the oils left from the prey’s footsteps for MILES! they can even track scents through the air and underwater or buried in in six feet of ‘concrete’!”
“Good grief. With compettion like that, it’s no wonder the humans are so barbaric. Please tell me it’s stupid.”
“They’re comparable to juvenile humans in terms of reasonaing capacity and may be more socially intelligent than adult humans, living in communal groups that can have DOZENS of members. Also they hunt in packs.”
“WHY??” Clyod begged “Why do you even subject yourself, and furthermore, why subject ME to this kind of knowledge? I won’t be able to rechage and be all gross and floppy in the morning.”
“Human-Steve is getting one.”
“…Pardon?”
“Humans keep them as domestic companions. Apparently they’re socially intelligent enough to get humans to raise and feed thier young for life.”
“and. Human-Steve. Is taking on one of these? He’s not worried about it eating him?”
“He said it might nibble on his appendages while it’s teething but that the one his parents kept when he was an infant-”
“HIS PARENTS HAD A DANGEROUS CARNIVORE IN HIS HOME WHILE HE WAS AN INFANT?”
“He showed me many images of them playing and cuddling together. They are quite fond of human children, and not just as snacks.”
“Please tell me he’s getting the little kind.”
“He’s getting a variety called a “Siberian Husky”. He said it was very fluffy.”
nobody cares if you just want to read Twitter with the free wifi. in fact we’re ecstatic you’re there.
don’t be afraid to touch the books. hell, taking them off the shelf and leaving them on shelving carts is one of the main ways the library counts usage and foot traffic, so don’t reshelve them yourself and don’t be afraid of looking at them!
most libraries now allow covered drinks, and many have special areas where you’re allowed to bring something to eat. have your lunch there, it’s quiet!
lovely large tables for crafts or art? they have you covered!
magazines and periodicals so you can read the newest events or pick up a new recipe? check!
you can even just watch a DVD if you have the appropriate portable screen and courtesy headphones.
GO to the library. LOVE the library. USE the library. you already paid for it!!
I’ve *literally* been writing most of Family Lore and working on art comissions at the local library.
Things Libraries have that are awesome if you’re a creator:
Wi-Fi. Really, really good Wi-Fi
Mine doesn’t just allow covered drinks- it’s got a whole-ass coffee bar.
“study rooms” you can camp in for free (but you have to move if someone books them) OR that you can book for a couple hours on certain days FOR REALLY CHEAP
like literally i pay $15 for 3 8-hour days a week and i get my own room, a bigass table, great light, the free wifi, AND I CAN RENT ANY REFERENCE MATERIAL OR ART SUPPLIES I NEED
OH
YOU DIDN’T KNOW?
YOU CAN RENT ALL KINDS OF SHIT FROM YOUR LIBRARY
FOR FREE
I RENTED A MANGIFIER, DRATING TOOLS AND A BUNCH OF ORCHID BOOKS FOR A PROJECT
I RENTED A GODDAMN SEWING MACHINE ONCE
F O R F R E E
it’s like all the benefits of renting an office space but for SO MUCH CHEAPER also you CAN GET ALL KINDS OF SUPPLIES
THEY HAVE A 3-D PRINTER
Things Libraries DON’T have that are ALSO AWESOME if you’re a creator:
I 100% understand the appeal of woking in coffehouses- they’re spaces that are designed to be comfortable and if you have ADHD like me the background chatter is actually a good stim but there’s also frequently THAT GUY.
You know, the guy who sees you working and waves at you until you take your headphones off then he wants to tell you all about how He’s A Writer ™ or a Cinematographer ™ working on a novel or whatever and he just sucks up your time talking about himself and then he wants your contact information because he thinks that because you haven’t actually thrown the overpriced coffe in his face he’s sucessfully seduced you?
That Guy?
Is NEVER at the Library.
Because it’s a quiet space so he can’t talk about himself becuase the hyperstressed college students will literally axe-murder him
Also I forgot in the earlier section but sometimes The Society For Creative Anachronism does events there and there are actual axe-weilding valkyrie women present.
that’s very distracting
but in a good way.
Your local library ALSO does not have that a rented office space, coffeehouse, or your kitchen table does: missionaries, telemarketers, the couple having a loud and messy breakup at the next table, the nagging sensation that you should be doing housework instead, that one jackass that thought the polar vortex was an ideal temperature and adjusts the thermostat accordingly, your cat jumping on table and spilling stuff on your work, crap wifi, Mandatory overpriced coffee, Office Dress Codes, Or a building manager that “forgets” to pay the utilities becuase they’ve been embezzling everyone’s rent to support thier cabbage patch kids addiction.
if you don’t know the difference between a hare and a rabbit you’ve never gazed into the cold wild eyes of a hare and known that if it could speak it would speak backwards
Jack Rabbits are North American Hares and they’re the WORST to encounter at night becuase:
You all know how big a rabbit is. Jack Rabbits and hares are much bigger. they’re the size of large cats or small dogs or just-walking-age children.
They also like to hang out in gangs of a hlf dozen to over 30.
and in the middle of backcountry dirt roads.
perhaps they’re dustbathing
or blood sacrifce
I don’t know because when you come up the road at night because your dog has a tiny bladder and needs to go out at midnight and you have no yard so you’re walking him on the dirt road around your neighborhod because you might aw well get some stargazing in, and you come just over the ridge to see a coven of twenty jackrabbits in the middle of the road
and
they
all
stand
up
not just onto all fours like a proper prey animal
No they get up on thier hind legs and don’t just sit but STAND like tiny rabbit-skinned toddlers, wobbing slightly as they stare directly at you eyes shining in your flashlight’s glow
…Blood Red.
And a chill goes through you on that warm july night because while they’re a puntable size and allegedly herbivores they’re standing and watching you just like people and you are vastly outnumbered.
everyone freezes
you’re considering your odds aganst roughly 200lbs of Suspiciously Humanoid Hare
and they’re considering their odds against you
the only sound in the never-ending high desert wind
somewhere in your peripheral vision you can see the streetlights but they seem awfully far away
The nearest Jack Rabbit
Blinks
and takes a single shuffling step
forward
You area an overdevloped monkey and your prefrontal cortex is capable of some amazing feats but it runs very slowly compared to the reflexes of a rabbit and you’re frozen as you desperately scramble for the appropriate course of action, hands feeling thick and useless, mouth dry and feet imeasurably heavy there’s no way you’d outrun THESE, god there’s a rabies outbreak going around that shit’s not curable-
The Dog
L U N G E S
It’s only the briefest of movements but the animal you’d picked out for his gangly legs and floppy ears and goofy smile is suddenly a dark shape of muscle and teeth and had flung himself at the horrible goblin rabbits faster than mere physics should dictate, appearing in the circle of the flashlight for only the briefest of moments before the jolt from the leash makes you stumble and the light falters
The Jack Rabbits
Scatter
Vanishing into the faintly starlit sagebrush in as so many faint gray shapes that might be mistaken for the dustclouds they kick up
Later, you sit on the couch disquieted
and you wonder
If the sight of the Jack Rabbits standing and studying you was frightening enough to make you yearn for the safety of the yellowed streetlights
