The other day I went to McDonald’s with my family and the guy who took my order was really loud and was basically like “HAPPY HOLIDAYS WHAT CAN I GET YOU” and I was like wow I can’t let this guy outmatch me so I yelled “I’LL TAKE A HAPPY MEAL WITH THE NUG NUGS IF I MAY” you know, like a natural well-adjusted epitome of adulthood 19 year old and he was like “CERTAINLY WOULD YOU LIKE THE MIGHTY KIDS MEAL INSTEAD WITH EXTRA FRIES” and I was so sleep deprived I essentially blacked out and apparently leaned over the counter like I was robbing the place, raised my eyebrow like a suave robin hood and said “HECK YES I WOULD GOOD SIR” and then I sat down and he yelled from across the store “WOULD YOU LIKE THE PURPLE OR BLUE SPIDER-MAN” and since purple is the more superior color that’s how I answered and long story short my parents think college changed me and that I’m now the poster child for being social and I’ve only been asked once why I’m not in a relationship yet but I know it’s gonna be brought up again and how do i tell my parents it’s because whenever I eat in the dining hall I spend the entire time playing bumper cars with the wheeley chairs and all I eat is pixie sticks and the last time I was in the library (where I’m supposed to work next semester, deAr GoD) I ripped my leggings in the bathroom pulling up my pants and I walked the entire 20 mins back to my dorm with my neon underwear peeking out from the holes like a 17th century harlot with a cocaine addiction and I’ve essentially been living off jars of peanut butter and the soundtrack to the bee movie for the past year
this thing went on so many different directions I feel like I’m high
interesting observation, tati
Do u want to see what I’m currently making in my laboratory bedroom?
yes, please
Step one of making my dinner: I gather my materials everyone knows u can’t make something out of nothing so u gotta do the thing, pull up your pants, and get your starting items
Here I have lemonade made from real lemons. This is vital because fake lemons (Also known as apples and oranges) throw off the concoction and render ur potion useless. I also have cocaine (the flavored kind)
Step two: do the thing with the other thing to make the better thing my sources tell me this is how u cook
In this case I poured 7 cocaines into my starter nectar
Step three: wiggle wiggle wiggle i do the shake
It fizzes. Chemicals do the chemical thing. Bubbles happen.
Step 4: bask in ur child’s freshly born glow
I have done it, mother. I have darkened the light yellow solution with my magic and I have come out stronger
I have prepared:
Dinner
That would literally kill you but okay.
It didn’t.
DO NOT LET MY GIRLFRIEND SEE THIS. THEY ALREADY SNORT SUGAR AND PIXIE STIX AND I KEEP TELLING THEM TO STOP. THEY WOULD DO THIS IN A HEART BEAT.
But on another note, coolio Tasha. You’re an alchemists now! Or possibly a witch… or both…
after many months of anticipation and renovations, the Tropical Hideaway officially opened to the public. Located between the backside of the Enchanted Tiki Room and the exit of the Jungle Cruise, this new watering hole provides a fantastic place to relax and enjoy some Dole Whip, eat a bao or two, and just take in the jungle.
Once upon a time, this space was Aladdin’s Oasis. And before that, it was the Tahitian Terrace. But it’s been largely unused for the past decade or so, and with an expected wave of guests coming next year when Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge opens, Disneyland can use every inch of capacity it can get!
The new space ties the Tiki Room and jungle together and even leaves a few nods to its former Aladdin-based residence. It’s beautifully designed, with exotic fixtures, a lovely tent canopy overhead, and a great snack menu. All in all, Disney has done a fantastic job with this little addition to Adventureland. With the improvements of shifting Tropical Imports across the street, removing the stroller bottlenecks, expanding indoor seating for the Bengal BBQ, and improving the same Bengal BBQ’s menu, Adventureland has been spruced up quite nicely!
happy Friday everybody, it’s time for another installment of Weird Biology! and today, you’re going to learn about a goddamn dinosaur.
(yes, I know all birds are technically dinosaurs, but this one is… dinosaurier? dinosaurien? DINOSAURIEST than the rest)
meet the Hoatzin, relic of ages past
*raptor screech*
the Hoatzin is the only member of the family Opisthocomidae, an ancient line of birds that branched off from the rest some 64 million years ago. this would have been just shortly after the event that murdered the shit out of all non-avian dinosaurs. to death.
Hoatzins are the very last survivors of this ancient line. (I wanted to make a joke here, but that’s actually really fucking tragic)
shit I made myself sad, MORE JOKES
Hoatzins are common pheasant-sized birds that live in the riverside forests of South America, where they survive on a diet of *drumroll* leaves. yum.
seriously, they are one of exactly two known bird species to specialize in leaf-eating, having evolved past their shame trait some 30 million years ago. (the other one is the Kakapo, who mostly just seems confused)
Kakawho?
their love of delicious delicious leaves gives them a very… distinctive odor, shall we say. this is due to their fermentative digestive process. it has earned the Hoatzin the local name ‘Stinkybird”, which for any Hoatzins reading this, is really more of an affectionate nickname. honest.
but what truly sets Hoatzins apart, and proves their saurian nature, is this.
HOLY SHIT A DINOSAUR
the hatchlings have fucking claws on their wings. remind you of anything? like maybe, oh I dunno, this guy?
HOLY SHIT A BIRD
Archaeopteryx up there bears a striking resemblance to our Hoatzin friend, which did not go unnoticed by the scientific community (who was actually paying attention this time, they swear). in fact, this uncanny resemblance helped finalize the theoretical link between dinosaurs and birds, which we now know are the same fucking thing. (more or less)
but anyway, the baby Hoatzins use those scientifically-groundbreaking claws to scramble around in trees and avoid predators. also apparently the claws just kind of… fall off?.. when the bird becomes an adult. like, imagine if your fingers all fell off at puberty, how weird would that be? jesus.
(Hoatzins definitely aren’t the only birds with wing claws, but DON’T TELL THEM THAT. they like to feel special.)
thankfully, it looks like these evolutionary weirdos will be with us for some time to come, as Hoatzins continue to be plentiful in their range. we hope they and those weird dinosaur claws stick around for a long, long time.
