Tag: jesus tea

While talking to a friend, I managed to typo “hell yeah” as “hell tea,” and this has got me thinking: what would be the anteathesis to Jesus tea?

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gallusrostromegalus:

Well, Jesus Tea* is basically Soothing Decaf Teas+Mild Spice+Vitamin-C Rich Juice+So Much Honey**.

…since concrete objects don’t have opposites per se,I’m kind of free-associating, so it comes out to something like:

Hypercaffinated Coffee+EXTREME SPICY, JUST POUR HALF A BOTTLE OF SRIRACHA IN THERE, MAYBE GRIND UP A COUPLE HABENEROS+Gin***+ just a hint some kind of artifical sweetner that may or may not cause cancer.  

Which sounds like something colleage students would come up with as a hangover cure/study aid/other kind of unnatural life-aid, so it really does seem somewhat faustian so I’ll call it SATAN’S LATTE.  I see from your description that you’re a programmer so lemme take a moment to do a safety psa and say DO NOT DO THIS AT ALL EVER.  DON’T DO IT AT HOME. DON’T GO OVER TO A FRIEND’S HOUSE. DO NOT. 

*Jesus Tea is not actually affiliated with any religion, it’s named that because it’s easy to google when you’ve got only two brain cells left from being sick.

** Jesus Tea is pleasant but innefective unless you gargle with salt water to break up the mucus in your throat/sinuses first.

*** IDK what the opposite of fruit juice is, but Gin and Juice was a favorite drink of my grandmother’s so I kind of opposite-pair the two.  Also juice is nice and Gin smells like drain cleaner so flavor wise they’re probably opposites.

Jesus Tea 2.0

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gallusrostromegalus:

OK, so since the Original post is a bit of an organizational mess and I’ve been getting asks and having to clarify things, here is the new, More comprehensible Recipe of JESUS TEA:

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, trained herbalist, or even a particularly good cook but this shit tastes like it came from God Themselves, and considently makes be feel drastically better when I get Colds, the flu or sinus infections.

PART ONE DO NOT SKIP: SALT RINSE

Ingredients: 

  • 1Tsp salt. Doesn’t have to be fancy but if fancy salt will make you feel better then u do that.
  • 1 small glass warm water

Dissolve salt in small glass of warm water.  Take large sips and gargle, then spit the water out, repeat until your throat feels like something you can breathe with insead of a rubber hose full of Pain Slime.  My doctor explained once how the salt breaks up the mucus buildup somehow, but I was high off my mind on Dayquil and was distracted by her third eye and don’t remember.  

Point is, gargling salt rinse will help with clearing mucus out of you swollen face and help with the pain and breathing.

Part B THE ACTUAL RECIPE:

Tools: 

  • Large Pot (just make a ton of this at once so you can go back for mugs)
  • Tea Infusers/Coffee filters/those little cloth bags: For steeping tea. 
  • Working Stovetop

Ingredients:

  • 1 Quart water, if you want more, double recipe.
  • 2TBs Chamomile (in an infuser)
  • 3TBS Roobois (in an infuser)
  • 1 tsp each: cloves, cumin, cardamom
  • ½ tsp each: white or cayenne pepper, Tumeric.
  • ¼ nutmeg
  • ¼ powdered cinnamon or 1 small stick
  • Slice or 3 of giger root
  • 2-bay leaves (all of the above in an infuser)
  • ¼ cup or 1 lemon’s worth of juice
  • 2 cups 100%+ Vitamin C Apple juice- cloudy juice or American Cider (NOT ALCOHOLIC CIDER) taste the best.
  • A Shitwhack of Honey

HHOW TO MAKE THE THING:

  1. Put water in pot, bring to a high simmer/not quite boil, reduce heat to medium, add infusers of Chamomile, roobois, and spices. Steep until tea is dark and fragrant even to your sad, clogged up nose, about 3-5 min depending on taste.
  2. Remove from heat and allow to cool to a drinkable temperature and add lemon juice, apple juice and Shitwhack of honey:
  3. How T pour a shitwhack of honey:  Open up cap on honey and start pouring.  Keep pouring.  Your spouse or roommate or parent will coem by and say in a cencerned voice “Isn’t that enough honey?”
  4. “No.” you say.
  5. There is never enough magic bee juice.
  6. Let the bees heal you.
  7. Drink the tea by the mug, alternating with glasses of water and occasional salt rinse until you are hydrated and no lnger feel like death warmed over.

FAQ:

Can I use this instead of Cold Meds? NO.  This only treat symptoms and beyond staying hydrated, won’t help heal you.  Be sure to get vaccinated if you can, and take the appropriate medications.  If your fever/symptoms last for more than 5-7 days, go see a doctor ASAP becuase Influenza is a dangerous disease and NOT to be fucked with.

I understand full well that modern captialism is bitch and that it’s hard to get time off to be sick but you can help your fellow proletariat by frequently washing your hands and avoiding touching things, keeping your face covered when possible, and being kind to yourself when you’re off work.

A Note about Cold Meds: As I found recently, lots of cold medication can interact dangerously with lots of Mental Illness medictions like SSRIs, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers etc. If you’re on ANY kind of long-term medication, use a Drug Interaction Checker to make sure you don’t accidentally fuck yourself up like I have.

Can I put Booze in? I extremely reccomend NOT doing so, as Alcohol is a sedative that can interact badly with cold meds, and taking sedatives while you’re having trouble breathing is not a great plan.  Don’t make your liver work overtime when you’re already sick.  If you’re perfectly healthy and think this is tasty, feel free to add whiskey or whatever to it.

Can I substitute differnet Ingredients?  Sure!  This recipie is a general guideline and you can add or remove whatever you want. Some Reccomendations

Adding tea: You could probably add a regular Black tea and have it taste fine. I don’t because the caffiene keeps me awake and I want to sleep when sick.  If you can’t have chamomile, green tea will have simmilar effects and flavor, but it also has a tocuh of caffine to it.

I want it spicier!  The Fire will heal me!: Add: More ginger, more cayenne, or a bit of sriracha at the end, with the honey.

I’m a spice weenie!: Less tumeric, ginger or pepper, maybe trim the lemon, but it’s good for your throat.

I can’t have Magic Bee Juice:  That’s fine! Use whatever sweetener you like.  I like honey because it tastes good and sometimes it helps throat pain the way others don’t.

On Apple Juices:  Check the label of you apple Juice to make sure it’s the kind with 100% or more of your DV of Vitamin C, becuase that will help treat the uncomfotable symptons of your particular yuck and help you recover faster. Juicy Juice and Motts tend to be good brands.

On Meausrements:  I’m an american and bad at math.  Everything’s in nonmetric and I have no idea how to convert it to Civlized measurments. Sorry.

JESUS TEA

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gallusrostromegalus:

tr1ppylil-trashpuppy:

gallusrostromegalus:

suzetteisblue:

gallusrostromegalus:

nooneknowsyoureadog:

gallusrostromegalus:

jedijosephine:

gallusrostromegalus:

notbrianna:

gallusrostromegalus:

snowfox102:

gallusrostromegalus:

So it’s Flu Season again, and this recipe for Tea To Fix What Ails You was given to me by a Christian friend, and I’ve taken to calling it JESUS TEA due to it’s miraculous properties.  Even though it, technically, contains no tea.  This tea is as caffinie-free as anything processed in a US plant can get, but be sure to check the provenance and all ingredients in case of allergies.

You will Need:

  • A Bigass Pot, becuase this is something you make in large quantities
  • working stovetop
  • those lil cloth sachets you use for wassail/empty teabags/those lil reuseable loose-leaf tea steepers.

Recipe:

  • about a quart of water
  • 1 cup apple cider
  • about half a lemon’s worth of juice
  • a shitwhack of honey- try to get as local as possible and generally the less-processed the better if you want to build a resistance to local allergens. If you have allergy concerns or don’t like the taste of honey, go ahead and use more processed stuff/another sweetener instead.
  • three tablespoons/three bags chamomile tea
  • three tablespoons/three bags rooibos tea
  • teaspoon crushed cloves
  • 1 cinnamon stick (more if you like it spicier)
  • ¼ tsp nutmeg
  • 1/8 tsp cayenne or white pepper

Bring water to a simmer in the pot.  Add the chamomile, rooibos and spices to steep about 4-5 minutes or longer if you like tea-flavored tar which given you have the flu you probably do.  Add Cider, Lemon Juice and Honey until dissolved.  Drink all of this in the course of an hour to stay hydrated, make more pots as needed or until you pass out. 

FOR MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS: gargle warm salt water first for as long as you can, it’ll break up the mucus in your throat and soothe the soreness.

This stuff is hecking delicious, and my dad claims it cured his cold. I’ve taken to drinking it just because it tastes good! Thank you for sharing! 😀 I also found that you can freeze this stuff in convenient single serving sizes, ready to be heated in the microwave when you don’t have enough spoons to make it fresh. Granted fresh is usually best for most food and drinks, but it’s still good.

I also calculated a single serving version, which I’m putting here in case anyone wants to make it that way:

  • 1 cup hot water
  • ¼ cup apple cider (or more, I prefer 1/3 cup)
  • 1 tbsp honey (or more, to taste)
  • a dash of lemon juice
  • ½ tsp spice mixture
  • 1 ½ tbsp tea mixture

Mix the spices together in one container, and mix the two kinds of tea together in another. Measure out of these the above amounts. (Don’t try to store the two things together, the spices will sink to the bottom and you won’t get the right measurements.)

Use a tea infuser/tea bag/cheesecloth/whatever to keep the herb bits from floating off into your drink. Steep for the usual 4-5 minutes, then add the cider, honey, and lemon.

Side note: ground cloves is cheaper for me so I use ½ tsp of
that instead of 1 of whole. I also like cinnamon a lot so I use ¼ tsp
ground cinnamon instead of a stick (also sticks are really expensive here). If you use a stick, break it into
little pieces. The downside of ground cinnamon is that it
kind of congeals if you don’t stir it periodically, so keep a spoon
handy as you drink.

Since people have been asking for this (I guess the flu/common cold is going around agian), have it again, NOW WITH SINGLE SERVING SIZE, THANK YOU @snowfox102  for doing the math for me!

Is it possible to substitute the chamomile for something else?

Pretty much any herbal tea but mint will work?  Rose hip’s good, or you can just double the rooibos. You can even put in black or green tea.  I don’t becuase those both have caffiene and I want to be awake as little as possible when I’m sick.  

What the absolute fuck is a shitwack of honey?

Once tea tarts cooling down*  start adding honey.
Keep adding honey.  
Your significant other or parents will notice and ask “Isn’t that enough honey?”
“No.”  You rasp, throat raw. “I need the magic bug juice too heal me.”
“I think we should check your fever again.” they say.
“When I’m fucking done.”  You rasp, sounding like gollum with a four-packs-a-day habit.  
Eventually, there will be enough.

that, is a “Shitwhack”

*boiling honey gets rid of 90% of it’s goodness, so let the tea cool down to drinking temp before adding honey.

Just here to remind you to get your flu shot. And tea is not a substitution for antivirals if you do get the flu.

You are completely right!  Jesus Tea will only help soothe your suffering, not prevent infection.  Also Influenza is hella dangerous and DOES kill people, so get vaccinated for your safety and the safety of your immunocompromised friends!

@gallusrostromegalus why no mint tea??

The menthol in mint tastes REALLY weird with the other ingredients, that’s all. Like drinking OJ after brushing your teeth.

Some other repeat questions:

-If you don’t hvae acess to Cider, regular Apple Juice works just fine, just check the nutritional information to make sure it’s the 100% DV vitamin C stuff, we want you you feel better ASAP.  If you like OJ, that can work too.

-Honey is in here specifically for it’s antibacterial and allergy-reliveing properties, and fruit-based honey substitutes will NOT give you the same benefits.  

-If you can’t do honey for whatever reason, sub in your favorite non-sugar sweetener because Sugar/fructose/sucrose/agave will mess with the ability fo your throat cells to retain/release water and make your throat feel WAAAAAAY worse.  Aspartame, Saccharin and Stevia won’t aggravate you throat much.

-If you can’t have chamomile, pretty much any Herbal Tea or Tisane will work, as will green tea.  The exception is anything that contains St. John’s Wort, which interacts dangerously with pseudoephedrine andacetaminophen, whic are in basically every cold medication available without a perscription in the US.

-If you don’t want roobois, any dark and spicy kind of tea will work- rose hip, most black teas, etc.

-I tend to reccomend against anythign that has caffine becuase being concious with the flu is awful and you need to sleep as much as possible.

-If you don’t like any of the spices, feel free to sub them for something else!  The point of those is to add a bit of heat/pepperiness to the tea to help unclog sinuses.  If you’re a heat fiend like some of my friends, you can put sriracha in there if you want.

-THE SALT RINSE BEFOREHAND IS KEY.  gargling with lukewarm saltwater or using a saline rinse will flush out congestion and help the Jesus Tea work it’s magic more effectively.

To Reiterate: Jesus Tea will only make you feel slightly less miserable and it not a substitute for medical care.  Get vaccinated early and often, and if you develop a high fever or other medically worrisome symptoms, get to a healthcare professional ASAP.

I’m rebloging this solely for the measurements. A shitwhack of honey

It’s that time of Year again!  Reblogging this long version with additonal NoteS:

  • Where I come from in the US, “Apple Cider” referes to the cloudy brown JUICE you can get in the fall, and is most reccomended because it tends to have the most Vitamin C and Trace minerals. Don’t drink alcohol while you are sick- your liver is already working overtime and alcohol can interact dangerously with cold meds.  
  • GET VACCINATED ASAP!!! PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS!!!
  • If you are sick for more than 7 days or develop a fever over 100 degrees, please see a doctor immediately. Influenza is still a very dangerous virus.

JESUS TEA

Uncategorized , , , ,

gallusrostromegalus:

suzetteisblue:

gallusrostromegalus:

nooneknowsyoureadog:

gallusrostromegalus:

jedijosephine:

gallusrostromegalus:

notbrianna:

gallusrostromegalus:

snowfox102:

gallusrostromegalus:

So it’s Flu Season again, and this recipe for Tea To Fix What Ails You was given to me by a Christian friend, and I’ve taken to calling it JESUS TEA due to it’s miraculous properties.  Even though it, technically, contains no tea.  This tea is as caffinie-free as anything processed in a US plant can get, but be sure to check the provenance and all ingredients in case of allergies.

You will Need:

  • A Bigass Pot, becuase this is something you make in large quantities
  • working stovetop
  • those lil cloth sachets you use for wassail/empty teabags/those lil reuseable loose-leaf tea steepers.

Recipe:

  • about a quart of water
  • 1 cup apple cider
  • about half a lemon’s worth of juice
  • a shitwhack of honey- try to get as local as possible and generally the less-processed the better if you want to build a resistance to local allergens. If you have allergy concerns or don’t like the taste of honey, go ahead and use more processed stuff/another sweetener instead.
  • three tablespoons/three bags chamomile tea
  • three tablespoons/three bags rooibos tea
  • teaspoon crushed cloves
  • 1 cinnamon stick (more if you like it spicier)
  • ¼ tsp nutmeg
  • 1/8 tsp cayenne or white pepper

Bring water to a simmer in the pot.  Add the chamomile, rooibos and spices to steep about 4-5 minutes or longer if you like tea-flavored tar which given you have the flu you probably do.  Add Cider, Lemon Juice and Honey until dissolved.  Drink all of this in the course of an hour to stay hydrated, make more pots as needed or until you pass out. 

FOR MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS: gargle warm salt water first for as long as you can, it’ll break up the mucus in your throat and soothe the soreness.

This stuff is hecking delicious, and my dad claims it cured his cold. I’ve taken to drinking it just because it tastes good! Thank you for sharing! 😀 I also found that you can freeze this stuff in convenient single serving sizes, ready to be heated in the microwave when you don’t have enough spoons to make it fresh. Granted fresh is usually best for most food and drinks, but it’s still good.

I also calculated a single serving version, which I’m putting here in case anyone wants to make it that way:

  • 1 cup hot water
  • ¼ cup apple cider (or more, I prefer 1/3 cup)
  • 1 tbsp honey (or more, to taste)
  • a dash of lemon juice
  • ½ tsp spice mixture
  • 1 ½ tbsp tea mixture

Mix the spices together in one container, and mix the two kinds of tea together in another. Measure out of these the above amounts. (Don’t try to store the two things together, the spices will sink to the bottom and you won’t get the right measurements.)

Use a tea infuser/tea bag/cheesecloth/whatever to keep the herb bits from floating off into your drink. Steep for the usual 4-5 minutes, then add the cider, honey, and lemon.

Side note: ground cloves is cheaper for me so I use ½ tsp of
that instead of 1 of whole. I also like cinnamon a lot so I use ¼ tsp
ground cinnamon instead of a stick (also sticks are really expensive here). If you use a stick, break it into
little pieces. The downside of ground cinnamon is that it
kind of congeals if you don’t stir it periodically, so keep a spoon
handy as you drink.

Since people have been asking for this (I guess the flu/common cold is going around agian), have it again, NOW WITH SINGLE SERVING SIZE, THANK YOU @snowfox102  for doing the math for me!

Is it possible to substitute the chamomile for something else?

Pretty much any herbal tea but mint will work?  Rose hip’s good, or you can just double the rooibos. You can even put in black or green tea.  I don’t becuase those both have caffiene and I want to be awake as little as possible when I’m sick.  

What the absolute fuck is a shitwack of honey?

Once tea tarts cooling down*  start adding honey.
Keep adding honey.  
Your significant other or parents will notice and ask “Isn’t that enough honey?”
“No.”  You rasp, throat raw. “I need the magic bug juice too heal me.”
“I think we should check your fever again.” they say.
“When I’m fucking done.”  You rasp, sounding like gollum with a four-packs-a-day habit.  
Eventually, there will be enough.

that, is a “Shitwhack”

*boiling honey gets rid of 90% of it’s goodness, so let the tea cool down to drinking temp before adding honey.

Just here to remind you to get your flu shot. And tea is not a substitution for antivirals if you do get the flu.

You are completely right!  Jesus Tea will only help soothe your suffering, not prevent infection.  Also Influenza is hella dangerous and DOES kill people, so get vaccinated for your safety and the safety of your immunocompromised friends!

@gallusrostromegalus why no mint tea??

The menthol in mint tastes REALLY weird with the other ingredients, that’s all. Like drinking OJ after brushing your teeth.

Some other repeat questions:

-If you don’t hvae acess to Cider, regular Apple Juice works just fine, just check the nutritional information to make sure it’s the 100% DV vitamin C stuff, we want you you feel better ASAP.  If you like OJ, that can work too.

-Honey is in here specifically for it’s antibacterial and allergy-reliveing properties, and fruit-based honey substitutes will NOT give you the same benefits.  

-If you can’t do honey for whatever reason, sub in your favorite non-sugar sweetener because Sugar/fructose/sucrose/agave will mess with the ability fo your throat cells to retain/release water and make your throat feel WAAAAAAY worse.  Aspartame, Saccharin and Stevia won’t aggravate you throat much.

-If you can’t have chamomile, pretty much any Herbal Tea or Tisane will work, as will green tea.  The exception is anything that contains St. John’s Wort, which interacts dangerously with pseudoephedrine andacetaminophen, whic are in basically every cold medication available without a perscription in the US.

-If you don’t want roobois, any dark and spicy kind of tea will work- rose hip, most black teas, etc.

-I tend to reccomend against anythign that has caffine becuase being concious with the flu is awful and you need to sleep as much as possible.

-If you don’t like any of the spices, feel free to sub them for something else!  The point of those is to add a bit of heat/pepperiness to the tea to help unclog sinuses.  If you’re a heat fiend like some of my friends, you can put sriracha in there if you want.

-THE SALT RINSE BEFOREHAND IS KEY.  gargling with lukewarm saltwater or using a saline rinse will flush out congestion and help the Jesus Tea work it’s magic more effectively.

To Reiterate: Jesus Tea will only make you feel slightly less miserable and it not a substitute for medical care.  Get vaccinated early and often, and if you develop a high fever or other medically worrisome symptoms, get to a healthcare professional ASAP.