waspwidow:

clint owes natasha many things.

his life, his hope, his family.

the least thing that he can do is go get her body, give her a funeral.

sam volunteers to come with him, but clint goes alone. they only have so many pym particles, after all, and clint isn’t sure what he’ll do when he sees nat, isn’t sure if he wants anyone to see him break down.

when he comes back to earth, the other avengers are kind enough to ignore the tear stains.

–

clint almost doesn’t give the eulogy.

he asks maria to do it, after tony’s funeral, knows that she can come up with one off the top of her head, one that would probably be better than the one he had worked on for hours.

she shakes her head, though, gives him a sad, small smile.

“she was your best friend, barton. you knew her best. and you were there when…you were there for it. it’s only fitting that you’re the one to do it.”

the podium looks like a gallows to him.

he can’t do natasha justice in one speech, can’t even begin to scratch the surface of her.

but he has to try.

–

shuffling the note cards that his speech is written on, the words dry up in clint’s mouth as he looks out at the assembled crowd. they feel fake, forced.

so he puts down the cards, and just talks.

“i, uh…i met natasha when she was still working for the russians. sent to kill her, actually. she was – she was fucking terrifying, honestly, in that uniquely tasha way of hers, y’know? people make threats, but tasha never really had to. she’d just fix you with that look, and you knew what was coming. but she was more than that. she was so much more than a scary badass assassin, though that was pretty cool of her, too.”

he has to stop for a moment, try to gather his thoughts and fight back the sobs that are already rising up in his eyes.

“i had the honor of being her first friend at shield, and getting to know her and help her become the hero she died as. she was funny and kind and wicked smart, and seeing her open up was…it meant a lot. she’d spent so much of her life being hurt and hurting people, never allowed to make her own decisions, and living like that – it fucks you up. but she didn’t let that slow her down. she never let anybody define her. honestly, this speech feels kinda ridiculous, ‘cause i know i can’t explain her with it.”

maria gives him a comforting smile from the front row, and clint takes a deep breath, forcing himself to continue on.

“another thing about her was…she liked sugary foods. a lot. like, seriously, you couldn’t have any cookies or candy around her, she’d always find it and steal it. thor lost a lot of poptarts that way.”

thor nods solemnly, and clint almost laughs.

“but yeah, she always treated having sugar like it was some kind of present. she wasn’t used to it, y’know? didn’t have much of that stuff growing up in the red room. didn’t have much of anything, really. and she…she could’ve used that as a reason to be selfish, i guess. but i don’t think that ever crossed her mind. she was selfless, only ever wanted to help people, make sure that they were all okay before she even thought about herself. and she…she died to save the universe.”

the room is quiet, the stillness only broken by a few tears.

“she died to save me. she did so fucking much for me, and i-now i’m never gonna be able to pay that back. the black widow was so many things to so many people, but above everything she was just tasha. she was my best friend. and if i could see her again, i’d-i didn’t tell her i loved her as much as i should have. ‘cause i did. i do. always.”

he has to take a moment, then, to bury his face in his hands and try not to cry, even though they all know that he’s sobbing.

“but we…we have what we have when we have it. that’s what she always said. so let’s make the best of it, everybody, you hear? it’s what she’d want us to do. just make the best of it.”