I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.
I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at
his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t
stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
Sorry to bring this searing back into your lives fam, but I feel it’s worth noting that people are tagging this as an “ancient relic” of tumblr text posts and how they’re so happy they see this every year and like guys, I hate to tell you this, but uh, this post is only six months old. I posted in on March 3rd 2016.
It only seems like years because every time you see it you age five years.
This is maybe my favorite story ever…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS POST ISN’T AT THE VERY LEAST 5 YEARS OLD??? HOW????
It’s like the reverse Dorian Gray of posts. Every day it exists on this hellsite the power within grows stronger while I wither and age with time.
You’re all just mere casualties to the warping of reality.
Also anyone claiming to have read this on LJ back in the days of yore is likely not being honest. I never wrote about Crucifix Nail Nipples publicly on LJ, it was a friends only locked post shared among a group of maybe 20 mutuals, most of whom I still talk and who are all pissing themselves laughing that this has come back to haunt me through my own folly.
And even then the post I DID share back on LJ, was vague as shit and didn’t go into detail because I had no desire to be fired for bitching about work online. Most of the horror was recounted directly over windows messenger to people like @ahzuri who could be relied upon to scream “What the Fuck” at all the right intervals while I had a minor breakdown over my workload.
Happily I now no longer suffer from such contractual restraints and you all get to suffer with me 🙂
But yea, no. Unless someone else was bitching about it publicly back in 2012 (and I know the other editor who worked on it got fired so it’s not impossible), you saw it here first on my tumblr early 2016.
Which god help me was honestly a simpler, more hopeful timeline than the one we’re currently in.
As for everyone else saying they know I hate this post, I don’t hate this post. How can I hate something that has given so many people both joy, horror and dare I even say it, hope, in equal measures. It has also brought many wonderful and amazing people into my life, so while I might be Tired, I’m not bitter, and I certainly don’t hate it. Any complaining you see me doing is largely amused exasperation at the fact that I was very nearly able to forget this story, and then I made it fucking more popular than if the book had actually been published. I played myself. Like a fool. And god help me I might be in perpetual vampire nipple hell over this post for the rest of my life, but I’ll be damned if I’m not taking all of you screaming with me.
Happy belated two year anniversary of me losing control of my life to this hellsite.
I firmly believe that every time this is reblogged, a tiny bit of positive energy is sent to @thebibliosphere and her health and life improves just a smidge.
Callout post for @amusewithaview for putting this onto my dash again at 3am, I was unprepared.
Also sorry to everyone who started following me for other reasons but I feel it’s only valid you know my origin back story on this hellsite lmao
1. Right now there are maybe seven billion people in the world, and no doubt there is a lot of leeway in the estimates we could make, but let us say that a hundred million of those people are fucking. That is a lot of fucks. I do not give any of those fucks.
2. Consider also the bears, doing in the woods what bears have done in woods since time immemorial, which is to say fucking. Or the squirrels, or the wolves, or those little brown fuzzy creatures that live in holes, or anything else for that matter that has got down to it in the cosy, pine-scented dusk. I do not give their fucks either.
3. You know when you see fucking dragonflies float past, happily oblivious to the world? Also not those.
4. In fact the sum total of insect fucks are fucks I do not give. Chitinous beetlefucks? Nope. Fluttering butterflyfucks? Nope. Double-dotted ladybirdfucks? Nope. There are insects in the world undiscovered by humanity whose fucks I do not give.
5. They say that in the city you are never more than ten metres from fucking rats. The quiet, homely fucks of these rats in their rat-niches are also fucks that I do not give.
6. This fuck, that fuck and the other and so on. These happy fucks that I will keep in my memory and treasure, taking them out from time to time to admire. These fucks are mine and I am definitely not giving them.
7. The slowest, loudest, most zoo-patron-embarrassing tortoisefuck.
8. Alien fucks, all across the Universe, comprising: oddly mundane fucks beneath triple stars; the fucking of beings identical to humans but for their oddly lumpy faces; those of a nature tentacular, spectacular and strange; fucks barely comprehendable; those romping through ammonia oceans in the sixteenth dimension; the void-spanning fuckery of intergalactic space narwhals; and others.
9. Then there are various fucks of a metaphorical nature, for example: the fucking of the populace by politicians; the fucking of the planet by humanity; the fucking of humanity by fate. I do not give any of those fucks either.
10. And also all other fucks. Which means, alas, that I am all out of fucks to give.
Today I found out that yarners think crocheting socks is subversive and controversial and I just…on one hand, why the fuck not, I guess yarners are allowed to have their controversies, but on the other, how much time do you have in your FUCKIN DAY??
My main concern is how they would feel but Maggie u know yarn fandom gotta think about something while knitting five miles of stockingnette for a sweater
Look, you can’t just leave it at that, why is it subversive and controversial? *gets popcorn*
I mean, I’m taking this on good faith, and I’m not saying this is my own personal belief. I believe in all crafts.
But…the structure of the stitches and the resulting fabric is pretty different between crochet and knitting. You get different effects between them, which lends themselves to different crafts. And none of the effects of (most) crochet stitches lend themselves naturally to socks. You’re (usually) going to end up with something either stiff and bulky, or full of holes that will Not Feel Good to walk on. Whereas knitted socks will just…BE elastic and comfortable.
Sure you CAN do it. And there are people and patterns that do it well!!
But MOST crochet socks are a bit like calling this a bicycle
I mean… Okay? But people are going to Talk.
But this is BABY controversy, this is nothing. You haven’t even touched on the good shit like RHSS or that time the Olympic Committee dissed us.
Iiiinteresting. So one of those “just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD” things.
Also I know very little about the yarn fandom except for that bit where a woman had to fake her death and had a nervous breakdown over selling homespun/dyed yarn so like, I already have big expectations.
Was that the one that “died” of leukemia or the one that “died” of lupus, or the one that overdosed?
From what I know of the narrative as it was described to me, I want to say the one that overdosed, but I am intrigued and vaguely concerned that there are multiple distinct individuals the above situation could apply to.
hey umm, what the fuck
the fake deaths thing: indie yarn dyer gets popular, gets overwhelmed by orders, can’t refund money because of shitty bookkeeping, decides faking online death is the only way out.
i’m sure some of them are unintentional rather than premeditated scammers but they’re all still thieving assholes who shouldn’t be running businesses and need to give all the money back.
the olympics commitee: ravelry, well-known knitting (fiber arts in general) site, held a contest they called the ‘ravelympics’ to drum up olympic support then get a cease-and-desist letter for copyright infringement, and the letter said that calling it that ‘denigrates the true nature of the Olympic Games’ and was ‘disrespectful to our country’s finest athletes’
except, you know, ravelry had like 2 million users who all, by nature of ravelry being a website, have basic tech literacy. the social media backlash was so bad that the olympics board had to make 2 official apologies because the first wasn’t good enough.
RHSS: Red Heart Super Saver is cheap Walmart-level yarn. some people hate it because it used to be just really fucking awful and they haven’t bothered updating their opinions. some people hate it because they hate non-natural yarns. some people hate it because they’re yarn snobs(which, btw, comes in two flavors: the disdainful assholes and the people who just don’t see the point if you have the money and don’t indulge yourself). a lot of people defend it because it’s cheap and widely locally available and honestly not that bad after a wash and some fabric softener.
crocheted socks: exactly what kaitoukitty said. people who crochet socks tend to either be new crocheters who are not aware crochet is not the best medium for socks or experienced crocheters who are pushing the boundaries of the medium.
babies on fire: i can’t believe we’re talking about yarncraft controversies and no one mentioned babies on fire. that’s my favorite controversy.
so when deciding what material to make baby blankets out of, in addition to considerations like softness, ease of washing, and allergy concerns quite a lot of people like to consider what would happen to the baby if the blanket was set on fire. yes, really.
wool has the problem of hand-wash only blankets for a new mother (superwash wool exists but that’s a whole ‘nother paragraph), allergy concerns, and also
real fucking expensive if you want quality not-itchy-on-baby-skin wool. but pro-wool-blanket people insist that because wool actually resists being set on fire pretty well and also can self-extinguish, it’s the only sensible choice.
acrylic on the other hand is cheap and you can throw it in the washing machine, and while bad quality acrylics might be stiff and plastic-y they’re not itchy, but if it gets set on fire it will melt onto the baby’s skin. pro-acrylic people insist that if your blanket is on fire, you probably have bigger problems than what the blanket is made of.
wow I didn’t expect such a detailed response. thank you!
Fiber Arts Just Be Fucking Like That.
@avashnea@raptorkin pretty sure it’s you two who are into this yarn business?
Me, just learning to crochet:
It’s BEEN like this for a few thousand years, though, and it’s incredibly stable and sustainable. Like, the history of uproar in the Fiber Fandom is several thousand years old and intersects with many major developments in human progress, so even though it may seem like a Trash Fire Always, it is actually all very stable and quite safe. THEREFORE. Regarding the original sock debate, let’s add some salt to this fuckin soup: Nålbinding. The ancestor of BOTH knitting and crochet, practiced around the world. It’s said to be still practiced today by indigenous people in South America, and is, apparently, the go-to cloth of choice for Viking and medieval re-enactors to make their socks and hats. It really does resemble both knitting and crochet, and when you watch it being done, it is like watching someone stab a string several times with a single small sliver of bone, and eventually they hold up a series of knots that – when you look again they have materialized into the heel of a sock.
Basically fiber artists started the labor movement.
I’m wearing socks I crocheted myself RIGHT NOW, and they are v. warm and comfy.
Of course, I’ve also been crocheting for 22 years. (Mom taught me at 8)
You’ve just gotta know what you’re doing.
Come at me, knitters.
yeah as someone who tried to make basic crocheted slippers, not even socks, the texture of most basic crochet is DEEPLY UNPLEASANT TO WALK ON.
That’s why you gotta grind for skill points and level up the crochet skill tree first.
Also, I have calluses on my feet that you could light a match on (martial arts, refusing to wear shoes because I am in fact a hobbit) So, as long as the socks are not made entirely out of steel wool and thumbtacks, I don’t feel the texture much.
I gotta ask, do you have a good pattern for crocheted socks? Im a far better crocheted than knitter and my husband REALLY wants me to make him some thick socks @systlin
1. Use finer yarn than you would if knitting. And choose a yarn with some stretch. Crochet does have less stretch than knitting, but a stretchy yarn can compensate somewhat. Faux ribbing or lace techniques on the cuff can help here too.
2. I never use a pattern to crochet. I just start looping, do things, and then bam finished project. However, I based mine on these.
3. I crochet them toe-up, with short rows for the heel. I find that easier but you do you.
4. Whatever you do, crochet socks don’t stretch as much. So, try ‘em on frequently while making them.
