what if the teenage mutant ninja turtles exist in the mcu but they’re just really good at staying under the radar and criminals are too embarrassed to admit they got beat up by some guys in “turtle costumes” so they blame daredevil. peter parker worked as a pizza delivery boy for a while and brought like eight pizzas to a man hole cover but thought nothing of it bc nyc
peter parker: i once was one minute late delivering pizza and the dude was like “forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza”
clint barton: oh cool u met one of the tmnt
literally everyone: who
clint: am i the only one in this goddamn city who knows about the crimefighting turtles that live in the sewers
(they all think clint is playing an elaborate prank on them, especially when he shows them a photo of four guys wearing what are ‘very obviously halloween costumes’)
fun fact: it’s TMNT canon that the chemical container that hit Matt Murdock across the face and gave him his Daredevil abilities is the same canister that landed on the baby turtles and mutated them, so…..y’all aren’t far off
i’m sorry it’s WHAT
TMNT started as a Daredevil parody.
Matt’s teacher is Stick. The turtle’s is Splinter.
Matt’s enemy is the Hand. The turtle’s is the Foot Clan.
It was originally a dark, edgy, turtle themed parody of Daredevil.
god im just thinking about how much going to public school in the MCU would’ve made me hate captain america. every time i got caught giving some bitch the finger or writing on bathroom walls or ditching class or stealing books from the library cause i got a fine or what have you, and then they gave me lunch detention or ISS and i sat in that dumbass eraser-smelling room and im in My Chair (the chair i always sit in and yell at anyone else who tries to take it), fuming, arms crossed, full of teen angst and hating everyone around me, and AGAIN had to watch this stupid fucking video ive already seen so many times that i know it by heart and every word grates on my eardrums and i’d just see this fuckin familiar face
and i would be ready to LOSE MY SHIT
Villain Origin Story
god imagine Steve giving Peter his Captain America is Disappointed in You face/lecture over something dumb and Peter just fucking dissociating and zoning back in to “Peter! Are you even listening to me???” and looking him in the eye and being like “I’m completely immune at this point. You can’t even touch me.” and walking the fuck away
canon.
the real reason why Peter agreed to fight cap at the airport
I also firmly believe that not a single teen in the MCU would take Captain America seriously. I’m positive he’d be a total meme, and anytime some sort of disaster is happening, all the kids would just laugh, like “good luck.”
The News: Captain America may be our only hope.
High school kids, snorting: What’s he going to do, tell the villain he’s disappointed in them and to make better choices?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Gen-X Supervillian confronting cap after years of PSAs: Oh no, it’s the star-spangled saint coming to tell me to make better choices. Whatcha gonna do, Cap, help an old lady cross the street at me?
Captain America, AKA Steve Rogers the pissed-off-Brooklynite who spent his youth getting into alley fights: The fuck are you talking about? Eat fist, dipshit.
Cap leans into it after four villains in a row get thrown for a loop by him insulting their mothers and swearing a blue streak during battles so he plays up the oh-shucks thing during interviews. That works great until the news catches him on camera saying “It was propaganda, you nazi fuckwit” while decking a superpowered alt-right millennial who came to attack a BLM march.
“It Was Propaganda, You Nazi Fuckwit” becomes the next meme. There are photo edits, there are tee shirts.
I adore tony being one of peter’s emergency contacts at school but what I love even better is the school staffs reaction to may putting him as one
I mean they would just be like “i’m sorry you wanna put who as what now?!?!”
Tony’s sitting in his lab working on fixing DUM-E’s claw, because somehow, the bot managed to break off one of it’s digits while Tony wasn’t looking. He didn’t even asked FRIDAY how it happened, just told her that if DUM-E tried to do whatever it was again, to let him know.
There’s a sudden vibrating next to him, and he spares a glance to see that it’s his phone with a new text message. He sets down his current tool and checks his phone to see if it’s Peter or Pepper, because if not then it can wait.
It’s not either of them.
But this person certainly can NOT wait.
He quickly opens the text.
Aunt Hottie: Hey, can you do me a favor?
Me: Of course, is everything okay?
Aunt Hottie: Yes, everything’s fine.
Aunt Hottie: Do you remember how we agreed to have you down as Peter’s second emergency contact at the school?
Me: Yes
Aunt Hottie: Well, there’s a problem.
Me: Whose ass do I need to kick
Aunt Hottie: Tony.
Me: Sorry, what’s the problem
Aunt Hottie: The school doesn’t believe that Peter actually knows you, they even gave Peter detention because they thought he was trying to “take his internship lie too far”. I didn’t even know that nobody believed him.
Aunt Hottie: And when I went down there to try and straighten it out, they didn’t believe me either, and told me to stop encouraging Peter.
Tony felt white hot anger flash through his veins. Not only were these people punishing Peter for telling the truth, but they were straight up insulting the kid’s aunt.
Oh hell no.
Me:So what you’re saying is everything is not okay and that I do need to kick some ass
Aunt Hottie: I’m asking you to please go to the school tomorrow and correct the problem. It’s the beginning of the school year and Peter is already in trouble. I would go with you but I have to be at work at 6 am.
Me: No problem, I’ll see to it that everything gets sorted out.
Aunt Hottie: Thank you, Tony.
Me: No problemo
—-
The next day Tony walked into the office of Midtown Tech as 11:30 am sharp. He didn’t call ahead for a meeting. He wanted to catch everyone off guard. Off their game.
And that’s exactly what he did.
Walking in the office, he spots a woman behind a desk slash counter looking thing. She’s probably in her late 30′s to early 40′s and gives off a very soccer mom-ish vibe.
“Excuse me Ms-” Tony looks down to the name tag on her desk, “Rhodes? Hi.” He flashes his fake paparazzi smile at the woman, and when she looks up at him its like her brain short circuits, because she’s silent for a good 7 seconds.
Tony counted.
“Um, h-hi, sir, uh, M-Mr. Stark.” She stands, brushing out her skirt then trying (and failing) to discreetly fix her hair, “H-How may I help you?”
“I would like to speak to the principle. I don’t have an appointment. I hope that’s not a problem.”
“Oh! I’m sure it won’t be a problem at all! Just a moment!” And the woman who Tony has already forgotten the name of scurries to the back of the office and disappears into a hallway.
While he waits, Tony stands there looking around at the bland looking office and shudders.
He would drop dead before having to repeat school.
Then a voice from behind him pulls him out of his thoughts, “Mr. Stark?”
Tony whips around to see Peter standing in the doorway, “Hey kiddo, shouldn’t you be in class?”
“Shouldn’t you be at the compound?”
He waves a hand dismissively, “I should be a lot of places. But you,” He points a finger at the teenager, “Should be in class.”
“Actually I was headed to lunch, but Ned saw you through the office windows while we were walking.” At the mention of his best friend, Peter jerked his head to the side, and Tony then notices the kid’s friend outside the office looking like he was going to explode with excitement.
“Right. Well. I’m just here to sort something out, don’t worry about it ki-”
“Mr. Stark?”
Tony then turns to see what must be the school’s principle, “Yes, hello. Principle Morita is it?”
Tony walks forwards and extends a hand to shake the other man’s when he notices Morita looking behind him. But before he can ask, Morita speaks up, “Was this student bothering you? I apologize. He should be at lunch right now and,” Morita pointedly looks at Peter, making him curl in on himself, “not looking for more trouble.”
Tony has to steel himself to hold back the remark he has for this man.
Instead he just says, “Actually, Peter is the reason I’m here.”
At this, Morita stumbles on his words, and finally utters a, “What?”
“Peter, come here please.” Tony reaches out an arm and Peter did as he was told, and when he got into Tony’s reach, Tony pulled him close with his arm around Peter’s shoulders, “Peter’s aunt notified me yesterday that there is a slight problem with you believing that a) he is my intern and b) I am his second emergency contact. She also told me that such problems led to disciplinary action, which I have to say, I’m not exactly happy about. Considering the shortcomings here are on your side.”
Morita sputtered a moment before, “Oh o-of course Mr. Stark. I apologize for the inconvenience, and for you having to make a trip down here just for this.”
“I don’t mind having to make trips for my kid.” Tony narrowed his eyes at the man in front of him.
He looks between Tony and Peter, “Of course. Well I will see to it that the detentions are resolved and will not go on his personal record, and I will make sure you are entered as his contact.”
Tony nodded, “Great, I’m glad that’s settled.” He turned to Peter, “Alright, drama’s over. Go back to lunch with Ted.”
Peter rolled his eyes, “It’s Ned, dad.”
Tony ruffled Peter’s hair and gave him a gentle push towards the door, “Whatever, I’ll see you this weekend. Nat found a new recipe she wants to try with you.”
“Okay, see ya!”
“Bye, squirt.”
The two parted ways and left through their own doors, leaving a confused and dumbfounded Principle Morita standing in the middle of the office.
What the shit just happened?
——
Aunt Hottie: Thank you
Me: It’s no problem, really. Happy to do it
Aunt Hottie: Could have made a little less of a scene
Me: You know that’s not my style
Aunt Hottie: Right, but how are you gonna get out of this one
– Tony has a wall full of Polaroid photos of him and the people he cares about
– it’s a reminder that not everyone he cares about gets killed or hurt
– and a reminder that he’s obviously doing something right bc these amazing people love him
– and ofc there are old (OLD) pics of Pepper and Rhodey and Happy around at the top of the wall
– with newer ones floating around (he loves these ones so much. it shows how far they’ve all come)
– but the pictures of Peter? they’re special to him. they’re special because his bond with Peter is unique and fatherly
– when he never thought he’d be a father
– so he takes pictures of Peter as well. like Peter’s graduation? damn straight Tony gets that because he’s so proud
– and he gets a picture during one of Peter’s b-day parties? because Peter came to the compound expecting a small thing
– but Tony throws a huge ass party for him and gets him so many things that he just wasn’t expecting? and doesn’t need? but Tony got him these
– these amazing things because he cares so so much
– so Peter isn’t expecting such a huge thing just for him and so many things so ofc he gets teary and hugs Tony
– WHO DEFINITELY HUGS BACK (Pepper and Happy and Rhodey get pics of the hug too)
– and Tony gets out this old Polaroid cam to get a picture of him and Peter
– he loves it so much. they’re so happy and Peter looks so teary and happy and Tony is too
– because goddamn, Tony may be a man of iron but his heart sure as hell ain’t, and he’ll do everything in his power to keep his family safe
– that’s what those four are to him. Family
– tony returns to earth
– and this wall
– this stupidly optimistic wall full of people he will ultimately kill with his blunders
– is still standing
– white edges and snapshots of colour, of life, fluttering in the cool a/c
– ‘not everyone he cares about gets killed or hurt’ is a thought of a naïve man, a man he ceased to be on a planet where the dust is grey and the skies are orange
– the dust seeps into his heart and his brain, and keeps his thoughts in sepia, and his emotions choked dry
– life is just an absence of death, after all, and the universe had decided he’d forgotten, gotten complacent, because tony stark doesn’t deserve a f a m i l y
– and tony can’t bear to look at this child, his child, that he f a i l e d , because tony a l w a y s misses something, he never thinks far enough ahead to stop the important things, but always far enough so that their warnings ring in his ears, too little, too late
– so he takes down the photos of Peter Parker
– and his heart is a little more like iron
– cold and impossible to crack
– and his wall is a little emptier
– just like his heart’s insides
oh
– he could never damage the photos of Peter though
– he takes them down with trembling hands with nails chewed down to the beds and cuts and scratches making every move painful
– but he takes them down so, so carefully, lifting them up from the edges and making sure they don’t rip in the slightest
– because Tony could never damage him even more
– because that’s all Tony has left of him now
– and he’d rather have some in tact photos of something warm and living
– than those last memories of Peter’s hands no longer being there to clutch at him and Peter’s terrified, wide eyes
– he might have taken those photos down from the wall but they’re in tact because goddamnit, Tony isn’t going to kill his only keepsakes of Peter as well
– and those gaps on the wall are haunting
– because the wall is missing something important
– and so is he
I’m sorry I keep making this worse
– it all goes to shit soon afterwards
– with the universe (or what’s left of it) scrambling around and trying so hard to fix the damage
– it gets a little hard to remember who you are (and why you’re still alive when you’ve lost so much. Surely a heart can only be broken so much before it stops)
– and Tony is completely catatonic
– and one day (? night?) he wakes up after passing out
– and right in front of him, untouched for over a year, and definitely not taken by him, is a picture of Peter hugging him
– and it’s just
– too much
– and he just c a n ‘ t
– what’s the point in trying when you’re just going to lose again
– but he can’t bring himself to swipe at the picture or to move it out of the way or to even move himself
– he just looks at it
– stares at it for god knows how long
– and he ran out of tears to cry a long time ago but this is damn close to doing the job
– and Tony wants so, so desperately to be able to reach out and to just see Peter one more time, tell him just how important this kid — his kid — is
– but he can’t
– and for the first time in weeks-months-who knows now
– he just. Breaks down. And it’s ugly and it’s horrible because god, it’s so real and what kind of nightmare could be like this
– and yeah, when he reaches out to the picture, his hand is shaking when his fingers brush against the image of Peter because that’s the best he’ll ever get again
– and that realisation is c r u s h i n g
– he doesn’t even know how he’s still alive (with the pain in his chest being like it is, it’s a miracle his heart hasn’t just stopped yet)
– and maybe then, at some unholy hour of the morning/afternoon/evening, alone in his labs (like he has been for days on end), with that unending pain in his chest and no tears in his eyes, he realises that he needs Peter like peter needed him
– and the world stops being paused and slowly starts back to living for Tony
– because he can’t change jack shit if the world is at a standstill
– and as the world presses play, reality comes roaring in like a winter tide, icy and brutal and unshakeably real
– it washes away the dust in his heart
– it washes away the sepia in his brain
– and he realizes that if you can’t live for yourself
– you live for those who haven’t realized that living isn’t worth it yet
– and so he carefully, oh-so-carefully, sets the picture aside
– (but only in the physical world. in his mind’s eye, that’s all he can see. his kid, sweet and happy and draped in colour, chocolate eyes always looking his way for approval)
– (his k i d , pale and stumbling, pulled to his knees by death, pleading for his life in the quiet. soft hair beneath his palm and then nothing at all and- )
– brews some coffee
– and gets to work on f i x i n g
– because that’s always been his thing, hasn’t it?
– there’s a new wall, now. one filled with strategies, and half baked plans and 3am revelations and pictures connected with red wool because peter had insisted on making one reminiscent of it long, long ago
– “It’s a conspiracy board, Mr. Stark!”
“Da- T o n y .”
“Dad?”
“T o n y .”
– because no one deserves to see their kid die
– and if he has to rip open the gates of hell to get h i s kid back?
– he tucks the picture inside his jacket.
– (keep the people you love close, and your enemies closer. no one ever mentioned the fact that the ones you love can cause you more pain than your enemies ever could.)
– iron hearts dont get burned, and his hands are far too familiar with ash.
STOP GUYS
🙂
– Tony works himself to the bone trying to get peter back
– eating and drinking and sleeping at certain intervals; enough to maximise and make the most of his time whilst keeping himself alive and well (peter wouldn’t want him to work himself to death now would he?)
– and soon enough, it’s done
– Thanos is taken care of
– and everyone comes back, slowly and painfully and where they died
– which leaves Tony on earth, and everyone else on Titan
– and he’s shitting it — how’s he gonna get there, how’s he gonna get to peter now because the ship’s busted and-
– a portal opens near him and it’s enough to remind him that Strange was with Peter and Strange has portals-!
– the guardians step through one by one, and Tony’s shaking from his panic and dread. What if it didn’t work for everyone? What if he’s still lost peter?
– someone calls his name softly, and it’s like they’re preparing to soften the blow and oh, god
– so he turns, heart in his throat and ready to turn away again
– and it’s Strange
– and in his arms? A person, swathed in the cloak
– and suddenly it’s like he’s hearing and seeing everything in person for the first time since the snap, because it’s Peter in his arms and Peter that’s breathing regularly in his sleep
– naturally he runs over to Strange, ignoring everyone around him, and just hovers over peter, not daring to touch him because what if it’s just the reality Stone? What if they lost and it’s just some sick game?
– but he sees Strange, and he sees everyone else, and he sees the Cloak and the Stones and he sees Peter
– he reaches out, hands shaking
– and his hand meets Peter’s hair
– and it feels so real (“it was so real”)
– and that’s convincing enough for him. And sure, it may take a while for Peter to wake up again (and god does it hurt to know that Peter felt every second of his death, and hurts to recognise that Peter’s going to wake up crying for a long time now) but they’re alive
– Tony can work with that, right?
– because if Peter can fix him, he can fix Peter
(friday starts a new digital photo album and Tony starts a new photo wall — both titled ‘family’)
Peter, crying: It’s the Curiosity Rover’s birthday and he has to sing happy birthday all by himself on Mars and thats sad
Tony, already building a rocket: Say no more
Peter and Tony: *arrive and hop out of there rocket, only to see shuri in a super high tech space suit, holding cupcakes, and standing next to T’challa in his black panther suit because of course shuri made it so it could withstand a vaccum*
T’challa: she made me come here. It’s not too late for you if you run.
Tony, who loves all robots so fucking much: Ummmm why would we leave
Peter, holding up a gift: yeah, we brought presents!!!!
…says Tony Stark, the King of pop-culture references
That’s My Dad
You are my daaaaad. You’re my dad! Boogie woogie woogie
Okay but just think , at this point Tony is probably trying to push down an anxiety attack because he’s in space on an alien ship, which is so triggering for him. So for him to tell Peter “no more pop culture references” is him making a joke, trying to stay focused on the people around him and what they’re saying instead of focusing on the situation they’re in. Even when he does focus on landing the ship, he focuses on the mechanics of it which he knows about and showing Peter how to land it, not the fact that it’s an alien ship or they’re landing on an alien planet.
