some time ago i read good omens and thought “great book, but what if crowley were gay, a great writer, and somewhat sexually involved with aziraphale?” and, me being me, i wrote a poem on this concept entitled “What If An Angel And A Demon Fell In Love? Wouldn’t That Be Nifty?” and today it won me a hundred fucking dollars in a poetry contest. so take that neil gaiman
Oh lover, you’re a triumph, an undone calamity As flagrantly forbidden as the fruit up Eden’s tree I’m coiled like a caliphate; your hand crawls up my thigh The only of the seven sins you never can deny
You’ll never say you love me, though; you can’t admit you care You won’t admit you love me like the drowning love the air You claim that I am nothing but the pride before the fall And maybe I have fallen, but I love you, after all
For I’m a devil; I can raise, then raze, than radiate I am a devil; I bleed black as ichor soaked in hate I am a devil; I deal in the secret side of pain Renunciation of salvation, dreamers down the drain.
And you’re an angel; you protect and guard all wondrous things You are an angel; you can rest the wide world on your wings You are an angel; you give the ineffable a voice You’re absolutes and absolution; I’m the thrill of choice.
Oh, lover, you are swords and crowns, crucifictitious tears, You’re covenants and convents and ecclesiastic years, Evangelist, avenger, Jonah in the wailing wall Pour plagues into the populace and kill the first sons, all
You want to say you love me like all demons love despair I want to say I love you like all angels love their prayer Oh lover, I’ll prostrate myself and never cut my hair, Oh lover, I have loved you since before the stars were there
You are an angel; you can lead the righteous in attack I am a devil; I can lead the wretched fighting back, I live to love you; it cleaves like a comet ’cross my soul You incarnation of creation I cannot control Though I cannot he holy, when I’m with you, I am whole.
1. Right now there are maybe seven billion people in the world, and no doubt there is a lot of leeway in the estimates we could make, but let us say that a hundred million of those people are fucking. That is a lot of fucks. I do not give any of those fucks.
2. Consider also the bears, doing in the woods what bears have done in woods since time immemorial, which is to say fucking. Or the squirrels, or the wolves, or those little brown fuzzy creatures that live in holes, or anything else for that matter that has got down to it in the cosy, pine-scented dusk. I do not give their fucks either.
3. You know when you see fucking dragonflies float past, happily oblivious to the world? Also not those.
4. In fact the sum total of insect fucks are fucks I do not give. Chitinous beetlefucks? Nope. Fluttering butterflyfucks? Nope. Double-dotted ladybirdfucks? Nope. There are insects in the world undiscovered by humanity whose fucks I do not give.
5. They say that in the city you are never more than ten metres from fucking rats. The quiet, homely fucks of these rats in their rat-niches are also fucks that I do not give.
6. This fuck, that fuck and the other and so on. These happy fucks that I will keep in my memory and treasure, taking them out from time to time to admire. These fucks are mine and I am definitely not giving them.
7. The slowest, loudest, most zoo-patron-embarrassing tortoisefuck.
8. Alien fucks, all across the Universe, comprising: oddly mundane fucks beneath triple stars; the fucking of beings identical to humans but for their oddly lumpy faces; those of a nature tentacular, spectacular and strange; fucks barely comprehendable; those romping through ammonia oceans in the sixteenth dimension; the void-spanning fuckery of intergalactic space narwhals; and others.
9. Then there are various fucks of a metaphorical nature, for example: the fucking of the populace by politicians; the fucking of the planet by humanity; the fucking of humanity by fate. I do not give any of those fucks either.
10. And also all other fucks. Which means, alas, that I am all out of fucks to give.
