for real, though, why do recipes consistently tell you to use less herbs and spices in than you should. fuck your “two cloves of garlic,” fuck your “half teaspoon of cinnamon,” and you can absolutely go to hell with your “dash of black pepper”
I’m pretty sure that the only time I’ve ever actually managed to overseason food was when working with balsamic vinegar, which is the most overpowering motherfucker of a sauce known to man
i appreciate the energy and anger in this post, which is righteous and just
A friend once tried to replicate my burrito bowl recipe from the same online link I used and was upset it didn’t come out as flavorful, so I had to tell him to imagine that every online recipe is written by a midwestern white lady who thinks ketchup is spicy and adjust the spices accordingly. He nailed those burrito bowls next time.
“imagine that every online recipe is written by a midwestern white lady who thinks ketchup is spicy and adjust the spices accordingly“
OK, so since the Original post is a bit of an organizational mess and I’ve been getting asks and having to clarify things, here is the new, More comprehensible Recipe of JESUS TEA:
Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, trained herbalist, or even a particularly good cook but this shit tastes like it came from God Themselves, and considently makes be feel drastically better when I get Colds, the flu or sinus infections.
PART ONE DO NOT SKIP: SALT RINSE
Ingredients:
1Tsp salt. Doesn’t have to be fancy but if fancy salt will make you feel better then u do that.
1 small glass warm water
Dissolve salt in small glass of warm water. Take large sips and gargle, then spit the water out, repeat until your throat feels like something you can breathe with insead of a rubber hose full of Pain Slime. My doctor explained once how the salt breaks up the mucus buildup somehow, but I was high off my mind on Dayquil and was distracted by her third eye and don’t remember.
Point is, gargling salt rinse will help with clearing mucus out of you swollen face and help with the pain and breathing.
Part B THE ACTUAL RECIPE:
Tools:
Large Pot (just make a ton of this at once so you can go back for mugs)
Tea Infusers/Coffee filters/those little cloth bags: For steeping tea.
Working Stovetop
Ingredients:
1 Quart water, if you want more, double recipe.
2TBs Chamomile (in an infuser)
3TBS Roobois (in an infuser)
1 tsp each: cloves, cumin, cardamom
½ tsp each: white or cayenne pepper, Tumeric.
¼ nutmeg
¼ powdered cinnamon or 1 small stick
Slice or 3 of giger root
2-bay leaves (all of the above in an infuser)
¼ cup or 1 lemon’s worth of juice
2 cups 100%+ Vitamin C Apple juice- cloudy juice or American Cider (NOT ALCOHOLIC CIDER) taste the best.
A Shitwhack of Honey
HHOW TO MAKE THE THING:
Put water in pot, bring to a high simmer/not quite boil, reduce heat to medium, add infusers of Chamomile, roobois, and spices. Steep until tea is dark and fragrant even to your sad, clogged up nose, about 3-5 min depending on taste.
Remove from heat and allow to cool to a drinkable temperature and add lemon juice, apple juice and Shitwhack of honey:
How T pour a shitwhack of honey: Open up cap on honey and start pouring. Keep pouring. Your spouse or roommate or parent will coem by and say in a cencerned voice “Isn’t that enough honey?”
“No.” you say.
There is never enough magic bee juice.
Let the bees heal you.
Drink the tea by the mug, alternating with glasses of water and occasional salt rinse until you are hydrated and no lnger feel like death warmed over.
FAQ:
Can I use this instead of Cold Meds? NO. This only treat symptoms and beyond staying hydrated, won’t help heal you. Be sure to get vaccinated if you can, and take the appropriate medications. If your fever/symptoms last for more than 5-7 days, go see a doctor ASAP becuase Influenza is a dangerous disease and NOT to be fucked with.
I understand full well that modern captialism is bitch and that it’s hard to get time off to be sick but you can help your fellow proletariat by frequently washing your hands and avoiding touching things, keeping your face covered when possible, and being kind to yourself when you’re off work.
A Note about Cold Meds: As I found recently, lots of cold medication can interact dangerously with lots of Mental Illness medictions like SSRIs, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers etc. If you’re on ANY kind of long-term medication, use a Drug Interaction Checker to make sure you don’t accidentally fuck yourself up like I have.
Can I put Booze in? I extremely reccomend NOT doing so, as Alcohol is a sedative that can interact badly with cold meds, and taking sedatives while you’re having trouble breathing is not a great plan. Don’t make your liver work overtime when you’re already sick. If you’re perfectly healthy and think this is tasty, feel free to add whiskey or whatever to it.
Can I substitute differnet Ingredients? Sure! This recipie is a general guideline and you can add or remove whatever you want. Some Reccomendations
Adding tea: You could probably add a regular Black tea and have it taste fine. I don’t because the caffiene keeps me awake and I want to sleep when sick. If you can’t have chamomile, green tea will have simmilar effects and flavor, but it also has a tocuh of caffine to it.
I want it spicier! The Fire will heal me!: Add: More ginger, more cayenne, or a bit of sriracha at the end, with the honey.
I’m a spice weenie!: Less tumeric, ginger or pepper, maybe trim the lemon, but it’s good for your throat.
I can’t have Magic Bee Juice: That’s fine! Use whatever sweetener you like. I like honey because it tastes good and sometimes it helps throat pain the way others don’t.
On Apple Juices: Check the label of you apple Juice to make sure it’s the kind with 100% or more of your DV of Vitamin C, becuase that will help treat the uncomfotable symptons of your particular yuck and help you recover faster. Juicy Juice and Motts tend to be good brands.
On Meausrements: I’m an american and bad at math. Everything’s in nonmetric and I have no idea how to convert it to Civlized measurments. Sorry.
So I just got a text; apparently my father just dropped by the house, handed my husband a large box full of slightly under-ripe peaches, said “For the love of god take these I was picking up windfalls and I have another bushel at home” and left.
The joys of having parents with a fruit orchard.
In a couple days once they ripen, I’m thinking peach pie 🙂
Would you like: A: my recipe for peach habanero bbq sauce B: my recipe for peach raspberry cordial C: my recipe for peach fritter quick bread?
PLEASE
A: Peach Habanero BBQ Sauce
12 habanero peppers remove seeds, or keep them in for an even more extreme heat, chopped
Saute peppers, peaches, onion, and garlic in oil until softened and onions are starting to brown. Add remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Puree with an immersion blender. Season to taste with salt, pepper, and sweetener. I usually have to add a little extra sweetener.
B: Peach Raspberry Cordial
1 gallon Mason jar
1+ pound raspberries
Lots of peaches
Sugar
High proof vodka
Vanilla bean
Take mason jar, pack as tightly and as full of sliced peaches (skin on) and raspberries as you can. Insert 1 split vanilla bean. Top with sugar, fill jar with vodka. Shake well 2x daily for 3 weeks, then let sit for 3-4 months on a dark shelf, shaking every week.
C: Peach Fritter Quick Bread
Brown Sugar/Cinnamon Mixture:
1/3 cup light brown sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Bread Loaf
2/3 cup white sugar
½ cup butter softened
2 eggs
1 ½ teaspoons vanilla extract
1 ½ cups all-purpose flour
1 ¾ teaspoons baking powder
½ cup milk or almond milk
3 peaches, peeled and diced, mixed with 2 tablespoons granulated sugar and 1 teaspoon cinnamon
Old-Fashioned Creme Glaze
½ cup of powdered sugar
1-3 tablespoons of milk or cream- depending on thickness of glaze wanted
Instructions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use a 9×5-inch loaf pan and spray with non-stick spray or line with foil and spray with non-stick spray to get out easily for slicing.
Mix brown sugar and cinnamon together in a bowl. Set aside.
In another medium-sized bowl, beat white sugar and butter together using an electric mixer until smooth and creamy.
Beat in eggs, 1 at a time, until blended in; add in vanilla extract.
Combine & whisk flour and baking powder together in another bowl and add into creamed butter mixture and stir until blended.
Mix milk into batter until smooth.
Pour half the batter into the prepared loaf pan; add half the chopped peach mixture.
Sprinkle ½ of the brown sugar/cinnamon mixture you set aside earlier, on top of peach layer.
Pour the remaining batter over peach layer and top with remaining chopped peaches, then the remaining brown sugar/cinnamon mixture.
Lightly pat peaches into batter; swirl brown sugar mixture through peaches using knife or spoon.
Bake in the preheated oven until a toothpick inserted in the center of the loaf comes out clean, approximately 50-60 minutes.
To make glaze, mix powdered sugar and milk or cream together until well mixed.
Let cool for about 15 minutes before drizzling with glaze.
If you make the raspberry cordial NOW, you’ll have it in time for Halloween. What colour is raspberry and peach together? ORANGE. Add frozen blackberries to the bottom of the glass. A little lemon balm as a garnish. BAM! HALLOWEEN DELICIOUSNESS.
FUCKIN’ HEL YOU’RE A GENIUS
It’s Peach Time ™ again, everyone hit @systlin up with your favorite peach recipie!
It’s also time to bring up the annual Georgia Vs Pallisade stype peach debate again: is a Peach supposed to be Firm and Delicately flavored or is it supposed to basically explode with syrupy juice the second you bite into it?
“Ridiculously easy buttermilk biscuits!” You click the link. It’s a novella about finding inner peace in suburbia. You never knew you were disturbed till now.
“Ridiculously easy green beans!” You click the link, there are twelve ingredients. None of them are green beans.
“Ridiculously easy salted pistachio caramel latte coffee cake in three easy steps!” You click the link. There are twelve steps.
“Ridiculously easy marshmallow fondant!“ You click the link. It’s another novella about suburbia, this time about the dangers of feeding chemicals to your children. You wonder when you acquired these children and worry about their eyes. They are too bright, too happy, too shining…
“Ridiculously easy evaporated milk custard!*” *Must own own cow.
“Ridiculously easy shortcake in 12 steps!” You click the link. There are no steps.
“Ridiculously easy, easy to make, easy in three minutes, easy!” It doesn’t tell you what you’re making but you’re pretty certain it shouldn’t be hissing.
“Ridiculously easy,” the article reads, “easy, it’s so easy, easy” you hear laughing. Your face hurts why does your face hurt?
“It’s so easy,” you tell you friends, your smile is not your own. You can feel your teeth growing, “so easy, you’ll hardly feel a thing!”
Hunting through my recipe tag and oh god, this relic, this ancient post. My first ever post to get stolen by another website and turned into a meme. Good times.
OH GOD THIS WAS YOU??? MY MOM HAS THIS PRINTED OUT IN THE FAMILY RECIPE BOOK, SLIGHTLY MARRED BY CHOCOLATE CAKE.
