I want to see a fanfic where Harry hatches a basilisk.
I want to see a fanfic where he looks up “magical snakes” as soon as he gets to Hogwarts because that thing at the zoo always bugged him, and so the Trio works out that it’s a basilisk immediately after the first petrification in Second Year. But they don’t know how it’s getting around or where it is or anything, so Harry is just like WELP SET A BASILISK TO FIND A BASILISK while Hermione and Ron are like HARRY NO.
I want to see a fanfic where Harry sticks a chicken egg under a toad and makes all these plans about how he’ll talk to his huge deadly snake and get it eye-blinkers and shit so it doesn’t kill people and make sure it’s not too aggressive, and somehow it never occurs to his twelve-year old brain that the chicken egg has a total volume of about four tablespoons and he is not going to get the giant King of Serpents he is expecting.
I want to see a fanfic where it finally breaks out of the shell and Harry finds himself with a bb!basilisk too smol to even have the murder-eyes yet, who can only petrify someone for about half an hour before the effect wears off. She eats spiders and gets tired very easily and demands that he wear a hood she can curl up in and sleep.
(She is also the same vivid green as his eyes and already hideously venomous, but doesn’t like using her fangs because she says they get cold and give her brain freeze when she unsheathes them.)
I just… I really want Harry with a haughty, demanding, arrogant danger noodle who has an overinflated sense of her own importance, views Hedwig as a TERRIFYING MENACE because she isn’t big enough to eat owls yet and keeps up a steady stream of insults hissed in Harry’s ear whenever she’s near someone who has a Dark Mark (which she can sense at close range). And who is basically useless as a familiar because she refuses to slither across anything other than sun-warmed stones or Harry, hasn’t got a very powerful gaze yet and doesn’t like biting people.
(Except snake-arm-people. She finds snake-arm-people confusing and annoying, and would probably make an exception on the no-biting thing where they’re concerned.)
I mean there are obviously a lot of factors influencing snake growth rate but if we assume basilisks just get stupidhuge because they grow their whole lives and are immortal, this snake is probably going to be at least 8 feet long by Deathly Hallows, which is a significant and intimidating chunk of scaly muscle that is intelligent enough to do what it is told. Like, you know, hey, bite this necklace.
So I mean by like his fourth year it’s going to be pretty hard to hide this snake that is nearly as long as he is tall and it’s not going to do much for his reputation that the Boy Who Lived has a pet fucking basilisk but holy damn does it make book seven a whole hell of a lot shorter.
I feel like I should write this
can you just imagine him ron and hermione coming up with increasingly ridiculous excuses trying to hide their pet baby basilisk in the dorms (hagrid would be so proud). how long do you think it’d take before harry’s pet basilisk is just a really badly hidden secret between all of gryffindor? and the ensuring antics of the entire house as they try to keep mcgonagall from finding out? (she knows something is up, but even just thinking of what could be big enough the entire house is trying to keep it from her makes her want to break out the firewhiskey)
ron gets the idea to try and practices parseltongue with baby basilisk since he hears harry talking in his sleep with it all the time anyway (and ngl, baby basilisk is kind of adorable and eats all the spiders in the dorm so he doesn’t have to deal with them, he’s pretty smitten once she hatches), and as soon as hermione overhears him trying it, she’s dragging him and harry to the library because, well, parseltongue is a language, why can’t they learn it? so it’s the two of them alternating between hissing at harry and hissing at the basilisk and harry is trying so hard not to laugh because 90% of what they’re saying is utter nonsense and the basilisk doesn’t even bother, because she likes these two humans but wow are they dumb, that’s not how words work.
What about once the basilisk gets a bit big the eyes start being an issue and after Ron accidentally gets petrified one evening and it sticks until he misses History of Magic the next morning (he isn’t complaining and Binns sure as hell didn’t notice but if it’s Transfiguration next time there will be a Problem) they have to find a way of dealing with the eyes because one of these days there will be enough power for the permanent kind.
So after a lot of false starts with, like, goggles and shit, Hermione appears with a stack of advanced transfiguration books and the beginnings of a plan to give it eyelids or at least nictitating membranes that the petrification can’t pass through, but even with her being super smart it’s a few years beyond her abilities.
And then Harry sets eyes on the invisibility cloak and says “if you can’t see the eyes, they can’t petrify you.” Well a snake in a cloak doesn’t work too well, but Hermione has heard of the Disillusionment Charm, and that would also solve nearly all of their problems keeping a snake hidden in the dormitory.
So Sibilance Gloriana Theophania Sunstone (she didn’t quite completely name herself, she and Harry had a little conversation about what she likes and what human names mean and also she’s like a six-year-old in snake years so she is named after hissing, two queens, and her favorite thing to sleep on) is now the Invisible Snake of Gryffindor.
Out of necessity, her existence ends up being shared with a few people, either because they’ve tripped over her (Neville, Oliver, Parvati), they’ve accidentally been petrified by her (Neville, Fred), or their twin has found out about her and shared (George).
Fred and George are very keen to have an invisible house snake, and are brilliant at finding new spells to help out: she gains the ability to crawl up the walls like they’re more floor, to levitate and slither in midair, and to fill her venom sacs with substances other than venom; it is extremely rare that she wants to actually kill anything besides dinner, and it is so much more enjoyable to be able to bite people and use her fangs as a delivery system for itching powder or the line of nondrinkable potions Fred and George are in the process of inventing.
By the time the dueling club rolls around, she’s about three feet long and plump on rats and spiders and mice. She bites Lockhart when Snape sends him flying, and Snape ends up taking over the dueling club entirely while Lockhart hurries to the hospital wing with a set of massive boils on his ankle.
When Draco summons the snake with Serpensortia, Harry squeaks with delight and grabs the snake, hissing at it in greeting, and so the whole school learns Harry Potter is a parselmouth by means of an adorable scene with a very friendly, cuddly snake, which doesn’t strike anyone as particularly Dark Lordly at all.
The new snake, of course, can detect the presence of Sibilance, and Sibilance is delighted to have a serpent companion, so they’re happily engaged in conversation as Harry, Ron, and Hermione return to the dormitories. This scene of adorable domestic bliss is interrupted when they get up to Harry’s dorm room with one more snake than usual, and Ron’s pet rat Scabbers suddenly turns into a man and runs shrieking down the stairs.
(Harry has explained Scabbers to Sibilance back when Sibilance was smaller than Scabbers, and she has never attempted to eat him. The new snake, however, has not received this conversation and it’s a very different thing hanging around with a snake who you watched come out of the egg than meeting one that’s several times your size from the get-go. Absent introductions, the new snake assumes it’s dinnertime and Peter Pettigrew, faced with something very like what the basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets would look like from Harry’s perspective, decides discovery is a slight improvement on dying and drops his animagus form.)
It is Peter Pettigrew’s poor luck to run into the Entrance Hall just in time to meet Severus Snape, who can put two and two together as well as most people and who is, easily, one of the fastest duelists Hogwarts has seen in recent decades.
Pettigrew’s capture and interrogation result in the release and exoneration of Sirius Black, who has one conversation with Harry, one conversation with Albus, and one conversation with Vernon and Petunia Dursley; the deal they all come to is that after precisely two weeks at Number Four, Privet Drive, during which time Vernon and Petunia will be scrupulously polite, Harry will go and live with his godfather.
Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore agree that a snake is an acceptable pet, and the new snake takes the name Hex, quite a bit of delight in the spells Sibilance has had adapted for her, and the unofficial position of Gryffindor house mascot.
There is widespread interest in learning Parseltongue, and with Harry translating, a number of students take time to learn at least some basic words. Chief among these is Ginny Weasley, who is desperate for someone else safe to confide in about the blank spaces in her memory.
It is Sibilance, not Hex, that finds out about the diary, sneaking down from Hermione’s dorm looking for spiders (really, where have they all gone to?) in time to overhear Ginny crying as she writes in a book that really, really reeks of dark magic.
She bites the book, of course, and then there’s an awful mess and Ginny furious and distressed that the diary, and with it, her friend Tom, are no more. It takes some doing for Sibilance to explain her existence, the nature of the book, and what was likely happening to Ginny; eventually Harry has to be tracked down to translate.
With Tom Riddle gone, they all speculate on the Chamber of Secrets and it’s Ginny with the suggestion that Moaning Myrtle might be the one who died last time the monster was released. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sibilance, Hex, Ginny, Fred, George, and Neville all head to the bathroom, and from there to the Chamber, where they stand with their eyes closed while Sibilance calls out the massive basilisk.
It’s a long, interesting conversation, and it ends with several spells cast, promises made, and a fascinating comedy of errors as they sneak an invisible basilisk out of the Chamber, through the school, out the main doors, and into the Forbidden Forest where its newfound flying, climbing, and poison-switching abilities will enable it to joyously predate upon the acromantula colony for decades to come.
They all get detentions over the matter when they are caught sneaking back in, less for the Forbidden Forest trip and more for McGonagall’s near heart attack at hearing the whole thing, but there are no more petrifications, the affected students are eventually awoken, and Gryffindor wins the Quidditch Cup, much to Oliver’s joy.
Hex and Sibilance enjoy warming themselves curled up on the fireplace hearth until Sibilance gets too big, and eventually Snape discovers her existence by tripping over her, but that’s another story.
This is not mine, but it made me giggle so thought I would share
What it’s like to be a network engineer, translated into normal people speak:
User: I think we are having a major road issue.
Me: What? No, I just checked, the roads are fine. I was actually just on the roads.
User: No I’m pretty sure the roads are down because I’m not getting Pizzas.
Me: Everything else on the roads is fine. What do you mean you aren’t getting Pizzas.
User: I used to get Pizzas when I ordered them, now I’m not getting them. It has to be a road issue.
Me: As I said, the roads are fine. Where are you getting pizzas from?
User:…I’m not really sure. Can you check all places that deliver pizzas?
Me: No I’m not even sure all the places that deliver pizza. You need to narrow it down.
User: I think it’s Subway.
Me: Ok I’ll check…No I just looked and Subway doesn’t deliver pizzas.
User: I’m pretty sure it is Subway. Can you just allow all food from Subway and we can see if Pizza shows up?
Me: Sigh, fine I’ve allowed all food from Subway, but I don’t think that is the issue.
User: Yeah I’m still not getting pizza. Can you check the roads?
Me: It’s not the roads, the roads are fine. I’m pretty sure Subway isn’t the place.
User: Ok I found it, its Papa Johns.
Me: Ok I looked and Papa Johns does deliver pizza. Is it the local papa johns or one in a different town?
User: I don’t know. Can you allow pizza from all Papa Johns to me?
Me: No I can’t do that. Can you get me an address for Papa Johns?
User: No, I only know it as Papa Johns. Can you get me all the addresses of all Papa Johns and I’ll tell you if one of them is correct?
Me: No I don’t have time for that. Ok I looked at the local one and it looks like they have sent you pizza in the past and they are currently allowed to send you pizzas. Try ordering a pizza while I watch.
User: Yeah still no pizza. I’m guessing they are getting blocked at the freeway. Can you check the freeway to make sure they can get through?
Me: NO this is a local delivery. They aren’t even using the freeway.
User: Ok, well then it has to be a road issue.
Me: NO the roads are fine. OK I just drove from the papa johns to the address they have on file for you and there is nothing there.
User: Hmm, wait we did move recently.
Me: Did you give your new address to Papa johns?
User: no, I just thought they would be able to look me up by name.
Me: No they need your new address. What’s your new address?
User: I’m not really sure. Can you look it up?
Me: sigh, give me a second…Ok I found your address and gave it to Papa Johns. Try ordering a pizza now.
User: HEY PIZZA JUST SHOWED UP!
Me: Ok, good.
User to everyone else they know: I apologize for the delay in the pizza but there was a major road issue that was preventing the pizza from getting to me. The network engineer has fixed the roads and we are able to get pizza again.
Me: but it wasn’t the roads…whatever.
User: oh can you also check on an issue where Chinese food isn’t getting to me? I think it may be a road issue.
A single mom moves into a new apartment with her young son, only to find out it’s inhabited by a poltergeist. At first she’s spooked, but comes to realize that the poltergeist is helping to raise her son.
I’d watch it.
It’s like ‘The Others’, except that everyone just kind of… gets used to seeing each other. There are two families sharing one house, and okay, one family is a bit dead, but they’re all figuring things out as they go and it’s super handy to have a spare parent or two around.
*
“Mom, I’m home!”
“She’s out shopping, go do your homework.”
“Aunt Ingrid, they didn’t even HAVE homework when you were alive, why are you BUGGING me – “
“When I was alive we churned butter instead of our mother going to the store to buy it, do you want to learn how to churn butter?”
“Fine, okay, homework it is.”
*
“David, don’t walk through the walls.”
“Opening the door is too hard.”
“Then walk through the DOOR like your sister. Respect the conventions at least.”
“Fiiiiiinnne…”
*
“Mom, what are you doing?”
“Fixing the fence.”
“Uncle Roger, are you possessing my mom?”
“We tried just having me tell her how to do it, but it was taking too long and she got frustrated.”
“It’s WEIRD, though.”
“Do you want to do this?”
“No, I – “
“Too late. Come and learn how to fix this. You’re the man of the house now.”
“NOBODY SAYS THAT ANY MORE, UNCLE ROGER.”
*
“Did you have a fight with David?”
“No.”
“Then why are you both making that face?”
“There’s no FACE.”
“That’s what he said.”
“We didn’t have a FIGHT, okay…”
“Aunt Ingrid is worried, she says he’s been moping all morning. He’s barely visible half the time.”
“Look, we didn’t have a fight, I just asked him how he died and then it got weird.”
“STEVE YOU DO NOT ASK PEOPLE HOW THEY DIED THAT IS SO RUDE.”
“Mom, it came up, okay, it wasn’t just out of nowhere!”
“YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW.”
*
“Steve! David! Isobel! Who broke this vase?”
“Meteor did it.”
“It was not the dog! Which one of you was throwing things in the house?”
“No, really, Mom, it was Meteor.”
“And how did the dog get up on the mantlepiece?”
“Uh…”
“ISOBEL WERE YOU LEVITATING THE DOG AGAIN?”
*
“This is completely inaccurate.”
“Roger…”
“I mean, look at those clothes. I’ve never seen *anyone* dressed like that.”
“They weren’t very careful about accurate costuming in these old movies.”
“I read ALL the Sherlock Holmes stories when they were first published and I ASSURE you he was a GENTLEMAN, not like – “
“Roger, will you just let us watch the moving pictures in peace?”
“But they’re WRONG.”
“We don’t care. Shush.”
*Roger mutters about bossy women and levitates popcorn*
*
“Steve, what happened to your face?”
“I got into a fight.”
“I would surmise from your bruises that you lost.”
“I always lose.”
“Oh, we can’t have that! Come, I will teach you the manly art of fisticuffs.”
“ROGER NO.”
*
“Aunt Ingrid, can you teach me how to make pie?”
“Of course I can… why? I know boys do a lot of things now that girls used to, I understand that, but why pie?”
“I like pie.”
“I can make you a pie if you just want to eat pie.”
A single mom moves into a new apartment with her young son, only to find out it’s inhabited by a poltergeist. At first she’s spooked, but comes to realize that the poltergeist is helping to raise her son.
I’d watch it.
It’s like ‘The Others’, except that everyone just kind of… gets used to seeing each other. There are two families sharing one house, and okay, one family is a bit dead, but they’re all figuring things out as they go and it’s super handy to have a spare parent or two around.
*
“Mom, I’m home!”
“She’s out shopping, go do your homework.”
“Aunt Ingrid, they didn’t even HAVE homework when you were alive, why are you BUGGING me – “
“When I was alive we churned butter instead of our mother going to the store to buy it, do you want to learn how to churn butter?”
“Fine, okay, homework it is.”
*
“David, don’t walk through the walls.”
“Opening the door is too hard.”
“Then walk through the DOOR like your sister. Respect the conventions at least.”
“Fiiiiiinnne…”
*
“Mom, what are you doing?”
“Fixing the fence.”
“Uncle Roger, are you possessing my mom?”
“We tried just having me tell her how to do it, but it was taking too long and she got frustrated.”
“It’s WEIRD, though.”
“Do you want to do this?”
“No, I – “
“Too late. Come and learn how to fix this. You’re the man of the house now.”
“NOBODY SAYS THAT ANY MORE, UNCLE ROGER.”
*
“Did you have a fight with David?”
“No.”
“Then why are you both making that face?”
“There’s no FACE.”
“That’s what he said.”
“We didn’t have a FIGHT, okay…”
“Aunt Ingrid is worried, she says he’s been moping all morning. He’s barely visible half the time.”
“Look, we didn’t have a fight, I just asked him how he died and then it got weird.”
“STEVE YOU DO NOT ASK PEOPLE HOW THEY DIED THAT IS SO RUDE.”
“Mom, it came up, okay, it wasn’t just out of nowhere!”
“YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW.”
*
“Steve! David! Isobel! Who broke this vase?”
“Meteor did it.”
“It was not the dog! Which one of you was throwing things in the house?”
“No, really, Mom, it was Meteor.”
“And how did the dog get up on the mantlepiece?”
“Uh…”
“ISOBEL WERE YOU LEVITATING THE DOG AGAIN?”
*
“This is completely inaccurate.”
“Roger…”
“I mean, look at those clothes. I’ve never seen *anyone* dressed like that.”
“They weren’t very careful about accurate costuming in these old movies.”
“I read ALL the Sherlock Holmes stories when they were first published and I ASSURE you he was a GENTLEMAN, not like – “
“Roger, will you just let us watch the moving pictures in peace?”
“But they’re WRONG.”
“We don’t care. Shush.”
*Roger mutters about bossy women and levitates popcorn*
*
“Steve, what happened to your face?”
“I got into a fight.”
“I would surmise from your bruises that you lost.”
“I always lose.”
“Oh, we can’t have that! Come, I will teach you the manly art of fisticuffs.”
“ROGER NO.”
*
“Aunt Ingrid, can you teach me how to make pie?”
“Of course I can… why? I know boys do a lot of things now that girls used to, I understand that, but why pie?”
“I like pie.”
“I can make you a pie if you just want to eat pie.”
USB Ports: My phone never dies now and it doesn’t even noticeably drain my battery
Seat Warmers: just some cheap usb heating pads i got off ebay. because i’m not moving, i get cold really easily. this keeps me nice and toasty
Cane Holder: just a piece of pvc pipe i zip tied to my chair and some velcro to stop it rattling
Side Bag: this is made for a pram but its sooooo useful! the big pocket has three sections which can hold drinks, phones, whatever, and the little pocket unzips and i keep loose change in it
Legrest Holder: This bit of velcro holds my leg rests out of the way so i can get closer to a table. i normally sit cross-legged when im not moving. Also i coated the legs in rubber paint. i bang into things a lot and also its purple and pretty
Umbrella Holder: this is where my umbrella sits when i’m not using it -and- Drink Holder: This holds my drink bottle. its also made for prams but its great to have easy access to water. -and-
Bag Holder: Also from the pram section, i have these little clips on my handles that hold plastic bags. i can carry a whole cart worth of shopping on these
Umbrella Stand: this is a microphone stand, velcro and zip ties. it all folds away neatly but it will (hopefully) keep me dry without costing me my only free hand
Feel free to reply or message me if you are looking at modifying your chair and want some tips!
This is awesome! I feel like a lot of this stuff should just… come with the chair, though. Or there should at least be options you can buy [like the pram (aka stroller for us Yanks) stuff] instead of having to Macgyver an umbrella stand yourself.
These things should absolutely come as part of the chair. Design for disability is some of the most stagnant design i have ever seen. Its something that needs to change, but until it does, i’m gonna keep making my own mods
Every year, the FCC checks in with the industry it nominally regulates
to see whether broadband deployment is going well; if it determines that
Americans are getting the internet they need, then it can legally shrug
off its duty to regulate the carriers and force them to step up the
pace.
There’s only one problem: the US lags virtually every rich nation in the
world in broadband speed and price. Given that the FCC is staffed and
led by former telcoms lobbyists and executives, this poses a real
difficulty. Unless the Commission can massage the truth, it might
actually have to hold its corporate pals to account.
Enter AT&T and Verizon, who just filed comments with the FCC saying that broadband in America is fine,
despite the dismal pace of fiber and even cable rollout – because the
wireless carriers have picked up the slack by offering slower, more
expensive wireless plans that combine brutally low data-caps with arbitrary throttling.
The carriers were joined by their lobbyists, the NCTA, who filed similar comments.
