Oh boy, here we go. One of my all-time favorite stories. William and Ellen Craft were both born into slavery in Georgia in the 1820s. They looked like this. You’ll note, just by looking at her, that Ellen was very light skinned. That would be because her parents were an enslaved woman and her master…and Ellen’s mother was also the child of an enslaved woman and her master. You can only imagine what had happened. Slavery is disgusting. Anyway.
William and Ellen met, fell in love, and got married so far as they were allowed (enslaved people were forbidden by law to actually get married in any legally binding fashion; since being sold away from each other forever happened so often, slave marriage vows often included the phrase “til death or separation do you part”–again, slavery is disgusting). As you can imagine, William and Ellen didn’t want to have any children born into the system of slavery. In December of 1848, they decided to escape to the North. And that’s when the Crafts got crafty and came up with a brilliant plan to escape in style.
As we established, Ellen was white passing, and they decided to use this fact to their advantage. William was able to keep a small portion of his earnings from being contracted out as a carpenter, and he saved up that money to buy Ellen some really fancy clothes. Once disguised, Ellen looked like this:
Dashing, right? So Ellen was disguised as a wealthy, white man, someone nobody would think to question, and William would be playing the part of her enslaved manservant. Their story was that they were traveling north because Ellen was in poor health and wanted the expertise of northern doctors. This poor health story was for a few different reasons:
Ellen had been practicing masculine mannerisms and behaviors, but by claiming to be sick, she wouldn’t have to talk much and reveal that she still had a feminine voice.
Ellen had her right arm in a sling, pretending it was badly injured, so she could mark travel documents with an “X” and hide that she didn’t know how to write.
On racially segregated trains, she could keep William in the “white” compartments with her because she would need him to tend to her at all times, what with her “delicate health” and all. Staying together would prevent the two from getting separated accidentally.
It was still a nerve-wracking experience, to be sure, with the threat of discovery at every turn, but William and Ellen Craft managed to escape from slavery by riding first class trains and staying in the nicest hotels along the way. There was even one point where Ellen got to have dinner with the captain of the steamboat they were riding. They arrived in Philadelphia, safe and sound, on Christmas Day, 1848. The Crafts then settled in Boston, fitting in nicely with the free black community in the Beacon Hill neighborhood and making friends with prominent abolitionists. These abolitionist friends, which included the likes of Theodore Parker and Lewis Hayden among many others, encouraged William and Ellen to make their escape story public. They did, and soon the two were celebrities.
Their celebrity status turned out to not be such a good thing less than two years later, when the Fugitive Slave Act was passed. Their master back in Georgia had, of course, read all about how the Crafts outwitted all the white people and made a home for themselves in Boston, so he hired two slave catchers to go up to Boston and retrieve his “property.” What the slave catchers didn’t bargain for was that Boston was ready for them.
Up in Boston, the Vigilance Committee consisting of both black and white abolitionists was hard at work coming up with a plan to prevent the Crafts from being captured. William Craft and Theodore Parker even thought of legal loopholes to get William arrested in Massachusetts, if it came to that, because he couldn’t be taken out of Massachusetts jail to be taken South. Loophole 1: since Ellen and William still hadn’t gotten married, a friend could report William for fornication and get him arrested for that. Loophole 2: William could carry various weapons on him, fight back against the slave catchers if they caught him, and get arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. They thought of everything.
When the slave catchers arrived, the Vigilance Committee sprang into action, getting the two slave catchers arrested like six separate times in quick succession, for petty crimes both real and imagined. They had Vigilance Committee member Samuel Gridley Howe doing his Sam thing and making very scary threats. All of this was done to make these slave catchers so sick of Boston that they’d give up and go home to Georgia. All the while, William and Ellen were being shuffled, often separately, between safe houses. Eventually it came to pass that Ellen was staying with Theodore Parker, while William stayed with Lewis Hayden. And that’s when yet another dramatic episode happened.
Lewis Hayden had himself been born into slavery in Kentucky, and he had made his escape up to Boston just a couple years before William and Ellen Craft did. Once William got to his house, Hayden put his own plan into action. One day, the slave catchers, who had already been put through hell by like the entire city of Boston, arrived at Lewis Hayden’s doorstep and demanded that he turn over the fugitive William Craft. Hayden calmly opened the door a little further, not to let them inside, but to reveal the two kegs of gunpowder he had waiting just inside. He told them that he would prefer to blow them all sky high if they took one more step, rather than see himself or William Craft return to slavery. The two slave catchers took the hint and left.
William and Ellen were reunited at Theodore Parker’s house shortly thereafter, and plans were made to smuggle the Crafts up to Canada and then across the Atlantic to England. Before they left, however, there was something Parker wanted to do for them. Since they were heading to safety at last and no longer needed to be able to go to jail for fornication, Parker offered to legally marry them. William and Ellen agreed, and Parker, their minister, did the honors right in his own living room, with a Bible in one hand and–I’m not kidding–a sword in the other. Parker escorted them as far as Maine himself, with a variety of swords and guns on his person so he was basically that trope where a character takes an absurd amount of weapons out of their clothes. When they parted, he gave William and Ellen the Bible and sword he had been holding as he officiated their marriage.
William and Ellen made a home for themselves in England for the next nineteen years. They got to go to school, and they fulfilled their goal of raising their children in freedom. They had five children, as a matter of fact. In 1859, they were paid a visit by their old friend, Theodore Parker, who got to meet their children and see that they still had the Bible he gave them. Parker was on his way to Italy, where he hoped the warm climate would improve his tuberculosis, but he would die in Florence the following spring, at just 49 years of age. After the Civil War, Ellen was miraculously able to figure out where her mother was in Georgia and have her brought over to England to stay with them. They hadn’t seen each other in almost twenty years, so you can only imagine the reunion. In 1868, once slavery was abolished, citizenship was granted to African Americans, and the right to vote was granted to African American men, the Crafts felt like they had work to do. Twenty years after they escaped from it, William and Ellen moved back to Georgia, back to where they began. William and Ellen tried to establish a school for freedmen as well as a farm, but white supremacist violence and laws led to the failure of both after Reconstruction ended.
William and Ellen Craft spent their twilight years living in Charleston, South Carolina with their daughter and son-in-law. Ellen Craft died in 1891, at the age of 65. William Craft died in 1900, at the age of 75.
It’s like someone briefly joined the team running the universe, introduced their idea for a cool mechanic, then left, and now everyone is stuck pretending that this wildly unbalanced dynamic makes sense.
Rutger Bregman is the Dutch historian who became a global sensation after an appearance at this year’s Davos summit,
where he accused attending billionaires of ignoring taxation. Now he
has created another viral moment in an extremely uncomfortable interview
with Fox News’s Tucker Carlson.
Bregman so riled Carson with his accusations of hypocrisy, critiques
of Fox’s conservative agenda, and attacks on Donald Trump that the TV
host called him a “moron” and angrily told him: “Go fuck yourself.”
Literally why would you ever go for Bernie when Elizabeth Warren is RIGHT there
A vote for Sanders is a vote for Trump. All he can hope to do is spoil the Dem’s chances.
VOTE BERNIE IF YOU WANT 4 MORE YEARS OF TRUMP
FUCK THAT NOISE HELL NO.
We are not doing this again.
Lobby hard for your choice in the primaries, but do not insult the other options.
I like Warren a lot more than Sanders. I like Klobuchar and Harris better than either of them. Right now, Gillibrand is my top choice.
BUT I WANT TO BE ABLE TO VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE IN NOVEMBER, whoever that turns out to be.
And since I want to be able to get behind them, I want to know what their good points are. I want to know what I can expect them to do, and – this important – what issues aren’t on their top priority list, so I can let them know what matters to me.
All of them are smart, decent people. All of them want a better country, a better world. All of them would, on their worst day, be better than Trump at his best, assuming he has something a sane person could call “best.”
No infighting this time. No circular firing squads. Do not insult, denigrate, discourage, or bully people who are supporting the candidates you dislike. WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THIS.
Before the primaries, figure out who is the best representative for your interests, and promote the hell out of them. Encourage people to vote. Get people registered. Tell everyone why you like this one better than that one – based on policies and history, not “he’s a lying scumbag” or “she caters to corporate greed.”
None of them is perfect. ALL OF THEM ARE BETTER THAN WHAT WE HAVE – do not help the Republicans (and the Russians!) suppress progressive voters by badmouthing other people’s choices.
I don’t want Sanders. I think he’s too old (and so is Warren) and we need people whose understanding of business and social dynamics are based on recent trends. I think Sanders is too caught up in social class as the only real axis of oppression; I don’t think he understands intersectionality. I worry that he favors gun rights more than is safe.
I’m not voting for him in the primaries. But if he gets the nomination, HE HAS MY VOTE IN NOVEMBER. And not in a “ugh, holding my nose and voting against Trump” way – he wants medical care for everyone; he wants college to be available to all; he wants strong unions and worker support. I can get behind those policy plans.
No litmus tests this time. No single issue that convinces people to stay home in November 2020. Pick one you like, or pick a few that you’re deciding between – but don’t convince yourself that any of them are evil incarnate and must be stopped at all costs.
Because we have that. And Republicans know damn well that they only win elections by splitting and suppressing votes for Democrats – so they’ll be hyping “this candidate is too terrible to vote for!!! Just stay home!” for the next year and a half.
FUCKING THIS.
We do not shoot down any decent, viable candidate this time.
IDK if there are many Post Modern Jukebox fans here, but I just found out about them this afternoon and I have a deep, burning, all-consuming need for them to do an interpretation of Phantom Of The Opera because:
1. How fucking AWESOME would PotO be re-imagined as a prohibition-era speakeasy instead of an opera house? That’d be rad as shit and PMJ has got the talent and connections to do it
2. I also desperately need to see The Phantom as played by Puddles Pity Party.
3. I’m not joking he has the voice of an Angel Of Music. His take on Music Of The Night will proably actually make me cry it’s gonna be that good.
4. also, please imagine the line where Phantom appears with “Look at your face in the mirror- I AM THERE INSIIIIIIIDE!!” and Puddles Pity Party is there.
I like Marie Kondo because I’m so used to all the rhetoric around “decluttering” or “tidying up” being about how it’s somehow immoral to own things and that we need to burn our possessions and all live in sterile minimalist Hell in a plain white apartment with a deck chair and one potted plant.
So I like hearing the tidy lady tell me that yes I should live in a hovel with a bunch of linguistics books and dragon statues and here are some ways to keep the hovel clean and orderly while I lurk in it.
It’s so refreshing.
All the other home decor people: “Kitschy nerd shit is a waste of space and you’re gonna get your soul devoured by a chaos dragon or some shit if you don’t get rid of all of it right now.”
Marie Kondo: “See, if you organize the kitchen in this way, you can display these Khorn Berzerker miniatures far more prominently.”
probably my favorite thing about witchcraft is how diy it is. like, I used to be catholic and it was like “this has power because it was anointed by a priest” and witchcraft is like “fuck that. anoint it yourself. you have all the power of the universe in your little hands” and I love it.
I can confirm that it’s super easy to charge or anoint anything.
Also you can tell how long someone has being doing witchcraft based on how much they go off on their spells.
Beginners wait for full moons, ensure they have the correct colour of candles, light incense and write a verse to chant in order to banish negativity.
Intermediates find an old mushroom in the fridge and burn it on a random candle and say “begone.”
Someone who has been a witch a long time just says “fuck off and die” to the bad vibes
You may have seen the Dutch historian Rutger Bregman in a viral video
last month, in which he appeared on a panel at the World Economic Forum
in Davos and berated the attendees for their tax-evasion
and insisted that no amount of philanthropy can make up for starving
the state of the money it needs to provide for everyone under democratic
guidance.
But Bregman was capable of understanding that just because Carlson
thought he was on Bregman’s side, it didn’t follow that Bregman should
be on Carlson’s side, especially not after Carlson’s years of carrying
water for sinister, manipulative, pro-monopoly billionaires like Rupert
Murdoch and David Koch.
So Bregman lit into Carlson, calling him a “millionaire funded by billionaires” who was “part of the problem.”
Carlson lost his shit, flipped out, called Bregman a “moron”
and a “tiny brain” and told him to “go fuck yourself,” adding that he
“tried to give you a hearing but you were too fucking annoying.”
Predictably, Carlson never aired the segment, but thankfully Bregman made his own recording and leaked it to Now This news, and it’s online for all to see.
the campaign I’m DMing is approaching a narrative break, so i’ve decided my players are about to run into a shady lil thrift shop. What i need from y’all is a list of just some absolutely garbage cursed items. Like they do cool shit, but they also come with mildly annoying downside whenever you use them. Example: a sword that’s like hella cool and pretty dang powerful and real pretty and stuff but it also just fuckin. screams
go nuts
A ring of invisibility but when you put it on the ring turns invisible.
A dog who talks but instead of going nuts and barking when not given attention, he won’t stop screaming your embarassing secrets at the top of his fuckin voice
A collection of the first three Dragonlance novels inexplicably there
An extremely powerful bow but it’s enchanted to yell in your ear a moment before you let go of the bowstring.
some costume fairy wings that let you fly, but only straight up and only while you are flapping your arms like a bird
A ring enabling you to speak fluent [language] but in the most un-elite, barely mutually intelligible, generally derided dialect available.
A sentient bag of holding. Anytime you want to get something back or put something in you have to convince/bribe the bag to let you.
a set of two small bells. one is a bell that, when rung, heals the whole party for 2d6 each. the other plays Vengabus at increasing volumes and causes 2d6 psychic damage to anyone within 50 feet. they are exactly identical.
A ring that lets you cast Charm person on anyone within 30 ft of you, but the ring blares “In The Hall Of The Mountain King” at an extremely loud volume, and you must roll a Charisma Check to make sure you can shout over the ring to give commands.
Boots of dashing with laces unable to be tied Doubles your speed but you must roll percentile as there is a 50% chance of your tripping and falling on your fucking face making you prone
cloak of darkness – when you put it on, no one can see you but you’re also blinded