Here we have a photo of my in-progress first ever self made pattern. I’m so proud~
@biggest-gaudiest-patronuses Serious question for you – I used a quote from you to make this, so I thought I should check. My initial plan for this was a unicorn with a pride flag colour scheme (probably one of the ones I identify as) as both an aggressive self-love
demonstration
and also a dig at the underrepresentation of queerness in the media. Are you ok with having your name attached to that (so to speak) or would you rather I went with something more innocuous?
(There’s a joke about the difference between bisexuals and unicorns (one can see unicorns on TV) on Tumblr somewhere that was also kinda an inspiration for this – I might go hunt it down when it’s not 1 AM)
Edit: I misspelled “flag” but not “innocuous”. How.
I love it, design it however you like! Let me know how it turns out!!!
Write a love-hate story between the monster under the bed and the monster in the closet.
I am Fear. I am Dread. I am the Monster that lives in his closet. And I am failing.
She is the reason I am failing. She lives beneath his bed. She whispers sweet nothings in his ears. She sings him to sleep. When his little foot peeps out from the covers, she slips it gently back between the sheets before I can grab it. I do not know where She comes from. I do not know how the boy tamed Her. Perhaps it was his mother, inventing a new fairy tale, reassuring him, “Yes there is a monster under the bed. She keeps it clean and free from dust bunnies. Do not fear. She’s a friendly monster.”
I am not a friendly monster.
And I am failing.
She keeps me from him. I try to get close, to hover over him, to creep up from behind, but every time she surrounds him, shelters him.
It breaks my heart.
Every night I try to explain. She watches me in silence. She does not move, does not respond. Possibly she does not hear.
I try to explain. I do only my duty. I was created for him. I am his Monster, his first one. Children need fear. To prepare them. Children need monsters to defeat. Because a few years from now, that child will not be a child. He will grow and he will forget and he will face a world that is more painful and cruel than any fright I could give him. Children cannot control their world, and the cruelties adults inflict, or simply fail to prevent. I do not create fear. It exists, everywhere, in all the nooks and crannies, all the uncertainties of the world. I merely shape it, give it an image. I give the child a battle to fight. To win.
This creature, who is lovely to be sure, who glows and twinkles and has no claws, this creature, made up of faith and confidence, made up of adult lies and, yes, a glint of anger—impossible not to be drawn to this creature, who offers reassurance and warm breath and the scent of peppermint.
And I am a boogeyman, with all that implies. And I must do my duty. I fight her, night after night. The boy needs me. She cannot protect him always. And if I do not exist, there is nothing for him to defeat. Instead the fear will settle over him in a cloud, indefinable, insidious. It will cover him like sand, like burs.
I give fear its shape, but I am not Fear. I am Courage.
Holy frickle frackle
gaud you’re messed up but you can fuckin write
i can fuckin write because i’m messed up 😀
Gaud I’m pretty sure you’d just come out of my closet and ask for a cheeto, and if I didn’t have one you’d steal my underwear.
Gaud IS the dress, they just found a suitable human to ferry them down the aisle
great, NOW im imagining a venom scenario where gaud simply detaches a portion of themselves in order for the vows to be done, a la eddie brock/venom as a danger noodle
lookit my little bowtie
IT TOOK ME A MOTHERFUCKING MONTH BUT I GOT IT DONE HEY @biggest-gaudiest-patronuses I DID THE THING I DREW US FANCY POLITICAL MARRIAGE FANTASY WEDDING CLOTHES
“Oh God oh God… No… This isn’t happening…” The man put a pillow against the back of your head. You could hear the click of the loaded pistol. You opened your mouth, stifling a sob to plead for mercy, but it occurred to you that it really was your fault. This sort of thing only happens in the suburbs, where you had made the choice to live. Thinking back to the day when you signed the deed to the house. It was small, but it was a nice neighborhood, and only a two hour drive from the country, out by the farmland where you always envisioned yourself. At that point, you were still under the impression that you would drive out every weekend to go fishing out by the lake, but gas prices and your own love for sleeping in late and going to bed early had their own plans. Perhaps it was worth it, though, for a stable job and fast food. Who would’ve known that you’d be laid off in a little over a year. You thought back to your childhood dreams of flying a cropduster over acres and acres of corn, wheat, and other vegetables.
If the masked figure pulled the trigger, you didn’t notice, because your life was flashing before your eyes far before your death, but you snapped out of your reminiscing when your forehead hit the polished wooden floor. Face covered in tears, sweat, and blood, you mumbled a wish to wake up from this bad dream, for everything to be back to normal.
And just like that, your wish was granted. Rays of sunlight poked through your window, bringing you awake. You groaned and wiped the cold sweat from your brow. The previous nightmare fled from your memory almost instantly, and you stood up only to close your blinds and try to get a few extra minutes of shut-eye. The dog laying at the foot of your bed had other plans, however, licking the sleep from your face.
“Hey, good morning, you… Ya must be hungry…” After scratching the animal you arose and made your way to the kitchen. “Hmm, now where is the dog food?” You searched for a while, before it occurred to you that you don’t even know what dog food looks like. Next came the realization that you’ve never purchased a dog bowl in your life, and finally, probably the most obvious thing hit you like a truck carrying several tons of bricks, you don’t own a dog.
Nevertheless, the creature nibbled on your leg. In the light of the kitchen you could see it more clearly. It didn’t have much of a face, and what it had was completely flat and without a snout, and it’s fur, or lack thereof, was the color of stomach medication. “What the fuck are you…” You whisper, and the, the *thing* began to morph and change until it was nearly six-and-a-half feet tall, with slender, boney limbs and a dry, slimey substance bathing it. “I’m Gaud.” the creature responded.
“God? You’re… God?” You managed to say, shocked, horrified, and in awe, unaware of whether you should bow, and wondering why the creator of the universe was just nibbling your leg.
“A god, yes, but my name is Gaud.” The pink thing responded.
“God, yes, thats what I said…”
“No, you’re spelling it wrong. Gaud. Gaaaauuud.”
“Spelling it wrong? How could I spell it wrong when I’m speaking?”
“I can read your mind and you’re spelling it wrong.”
You thought for a moment, rearranging and replacing letters until you finally hit the G-A-U-D combination.
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“Ok, so, you’re Gaud, and you’re a God… why are you here? In my home?”
“This isn’t your home. And even if it was your home, it isn’t your home.”
“Could you explain this to me a bit more clearly?”
“You’re dead. And this is hell. Welcome!”
Your eyes widened and your jaw fell to the floor… Literally… (This is Hell after all). You picked up your detached skull oral fragment and reattached it, before falling to the floor, holding your head in your palms. “So… Are you going to torture me for all of eternity?”
Gaud chuckled a bit. You think. “Nah, hell isn’t really like that. All the fire and brimstone stuff was just invented by the Catholic Church to stop you from being gay and stealing communion wafers.”
Gaud could tell by your subconscious thoughts that you were no closer to an understanding of the current situation than before. In fact, you were more confused than ever in your entire life, and now in your entire death.
“Here, let’s find a better place to talk.”
Gaud snapped their… appendenges… and you both appeared in a farmiliar booth. It took you a moment to realize, but this was Denny’s, and it was your favorite booth. A waiter came around to hand both you and Gaud mugs of coffee and a box of crayons for coloring. You ignored your mug and began drawing on your menu with the same vigor as when you were a child. After realizing Gaud was staring at you, you snapped out of it and sat quietly.
Gaud opened their mouth. “In ancient times, people believed that the afterlife was just like regular life, but you were with the gods. And they were right. So now, for all of eternity, you’ll be right here in this little life you built yourself, with me, Gaud.”
You looked at your menu, puzzled. “But… I don’t… Remember dieing… Did I at least die doing something heroic? Saving someone from a bank robber maybe?”
The being’s face changed to an emotion you couldn’t identify. “Actually, you died like a little bitch.”
“Oh…” You were disappointed, but not surprised.
“Here, let’s go back to your dwelling.” Gaud slapped the seat of the booth. The building giggled. “Stop that Gaud! Don’t touch my ass while mortals are here!” Gaud snapped and you reappeared together in the kitchen.
“What was that about?” You asked.
“My husband.” Gaud responded. “Ok, It’s Friday, so you should get ready for work.”
“About that…” you began. “I’ve been sorta… between jobs…”
Gaud interrupted. “Not a problem, what exactly do you do on an average day?”
“Well… I wake up, eat cereal, stare out the window, look for jobs online, make Mac n cheese, or canned beans if I’m feeling it, and then I go to sleep.”
If Gaud had eyebrows they’d be raised. “Hmm… Ok…”
You feel sudden pang of sadness, like you’d wasted your entire short life on things that really didn’t matter. And now you’re stuck here. Reliving the same day over and over and over again.
Gaud spoke. “If you could go back in time, would you change the way you live?”
You stopped and thought for a moment. “I guess not. I’ve always been sure that the decisions I’ve made were the best. It’s how my parents taught me. There’s a path to success and I followed it as close as I could.”
“And it got you killed.”
“I… suppose…”
“This is something I don’t understand about you gremli-er, humans. You all think yourselves so powerless. Y’all are basically just miniature gods. You can create, build, change, destroy, do anything really, and you choose to make situations where you have only ONE option. You might as well be termites with how you treat yourselves.”
“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter now…” You respond. Eyeing the microwave, you notice the time. “Well, it’s 11:30 AM. Time for bed…” You climb up the stairs in a truly disconsolate state, leaving Gaud in the kitchen.
You climb into bed and pull the covers over your head. Like a monster from when you were a child, Gaud opens your door with a squealing squeak, casting a haunting shadow across the bedroom.
“Hey, you still awake?”
“Yeah, Gaud, I’m awake…”
“How about tomorrow you rise from the grave and try again?”
Your face lights up. “Yeah, I’d like that. Thank you…”
Gaud chuckled. You were sure of it. “Goodnight!”
The rates of sunlight hit your face. Your neck is a bit sore, but the bullet hole is gone. There is a whispering in your ear, a disembodied voice telling you what to do. You follow it almost naturally. You take a shower, eat a hearty breakfast, and grab your keys. Driving for what felt like minutes, you reach a farmiliar country lot that you’ve never seen before. You open up the trunk and find an axe, and you begin having down trees, assembling logs, sawing and shaping, lifting and heaving. By sundown, you had built an entire 2 story log cabin. It was entirely furnished when you walked in, but you have a faint memory of building them. You lay down in your new bed, the softest thing you’ve ever say on. Cuddling gleefully with your covers, you whisper a small “Thank you, Gaudy…”
“You’re welcome…” responded a disembodied voice, echoing from the newly formed attic, the pink, haunting face speaking from the insulation of the same color. “… bitch.”
“This is something I don’t understand about you humans. You all think yourselves so powerless. Y’all are basically just miniature gods. You can create, build, change, destroy, do anything really, and you choose to make situations where you have only ONE option.”
You’re literally always on my dash and I just now realized that I wasn’t following you ???? like what????
I just laughed at this thinking ‘man how could you not realize your following them!’ Then I realized I’m not following you either but I always thought I was.
BAMF characters who happen to be female but that’s just a detail and no one makes it a Thing
Boys looking up in awe to cool female role models
Birkenstocks. But like, cool Birkenstocks. Metallic Birkenstocks. They’re really comfy ok
Remembering great personality details about Harry Potter book characters that didn’t make it into the movies.
Gun holsters but people use them to carry random stuff, like window washing tools, or carrots for horses
Platonic physical affection. Friends messing w/ my hair.
Villains w/ musical numbers
Kids excited about stuff and adults being excited with them
Relaxing but it’s after an unusually long day so it feels extra good
Fingers brushing your skin lightly and you get goosebumps
Watching people care about each other.
Finding a new song and knowing you can play it on a loop for ages and it will be satisfying every time
When there are a lot of people around but the cat/dog chooses me specifically
When a song that was just ok intensifies and suddenly makes you Emotion
When you’re doing a new book/movie/anything and the characters make you feel strong things you haven’t felt in a while
That feeling when a story rushes into your head in incredible detail and just keeps going
Those moments when you’re falling into sleep after being awake for too long.
Getting into that imagination space that you used to do easily as a kid, and you can daydream a story and it’s super real and satisfying
Finding something new that makes you happy.
When groups without much in common support each other anyway. When differences draw people together.
When people let good things happen.
Things that used to make you afraid, but now they excite you
Telling a joke assuming no one will laugh, but they do and it’s genuine.
People who pay attention when you’re talking, and respond to you, and are present
Being tired and calm after being put through the emotional wringer
That feeling of giddiness when you meet someone and it’s Good and sort of wakes you up.
Being excited to hang out with someone.
Those bits of books/shows where there’s not much action just characters and dialogue, and it’s like you’re just hanging out with them, and they become a second family, to the point you genuinely miss them if you go without re-reading/watching for too long.
Wanting something in a way that motivates you.
When certain worries stop worrying you
When you need a hug and you get one.
Being in bad pain but suddenly it ebbs.
That feeling when you discover you’re good at something you assumed would be harder
That feeling when a moment feels profound and you can see it as a scene from a tv drama where a song is playing or about to start
When people are important to each other.
Noticing something new about your personality and liking it. When your self-image changes in a good way. Realizing you like yourself.
When you’re a person with low-key emotions and you go into a rare super happy mood and have to lie down after
Also those rare moods where something’s so funny you literally are unable to stop laughing even if you wanted to, and the next day your ribs are sore
Remembering the refrain of a song you haven’t thought about in years.
That feeling when you’re zooming out and instead of seeing the last day, week, month, you see your whole life, and the world, and the universe, and you’re hovering above it, watching
Feeling sad and being able to cry instead of arresting & going into Numb Mode
That feeling when you realize something that was hard a year ago isn’t so hard anymore.
That feeling of knowing you are getting better, and suddenly the future opens up.
That feeling of believing you are going to be okay.
throwback thursday
Once I used a gun holster to hold my epipen and albuterol at a rave? My Near Death self makes this list.
For those wondering, my url comes from a famous post by @copperbadge, discussing depression & patronuses:
I struggled with major depression from about age 12 onwards. Reading this brought me joy and a spark of light in a dark place. I thought of it often to encourage myself during the dark patches. Now that I’m in the best health of my life, it gives me no small degree of satisfaction to look back on this.
wow
this blog has a surprisingly wholesome origin
i love it
full disclosure the first post i ever made was a reblog of the Good Guy Lucifer meme
