For those youngsters who don’t know, the Eye of Argon is a legendary badfic relic from 1970, written by Jim Theis. It is, quite possibly, one of the worst things ever written.
It was originally published in a fanzine, the precursor of Fictionpress and A03.
However bad you are as a writer, you’ve only to read Eye of Argon and realize ‘oh huh maybe I suck, but I don’t suck this hard.’
So in the tradition of our nerd fore-bearers, let’s make fun of it. The original text I will put in italics. My comments will be regular text. All spelling errors from the original text are preserved.
The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.
Oh man. Oh boy oh man oh boy.
Oh, Eye of Argon. First paragraph and there’s so much to unpack already.
The last time I saw prose this purple I was reading Lord of the Rings Legolas romances written by 14 year old girls.
Also, here we see why, sometimes, you should put the damn thesaurus down.
Keep reading
Arriving after dusk in Gorzom,grignr descended down a dismal alley, reining his horse before a beaten tavern. The redhaired giant strode into the dimly lit hostelry reeking of foul odors, and cheap wine. The air was heavy with chocking fumes spewing from smolderingtorches encased within theden’s earthen packed walls. Tables were clustered with groups of drunken thieves, and cutthroats, tossing dice, or making love to willing prostitutes.
