I love how he gave this bit at an autism benefit because it is also a heavy Autism Mood™
This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen.
TRANSCRIPT:
JOHN MULANEY: I normally don’t notice people. I zone out constantly. Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes? I’ve been zoned out since 2014.
AUDEINCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I just – all day long, I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I can zone out anywhere – I was at the doctor’s office, he was reading me the results of a blood test, it was important I listened, and I zoned out! I was like, “nah, I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts”.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS
MULANEY: I was like, “huh. None of the Beatles had moustaches… but then one day, all of them had moustaches.”
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “That’s weird, I can’t think of a time a group has done that”. Some people in my life don’t want me to zone out as much – they want me to focus, and they want me to be in the moment, and they want me to do this by meditating. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried meditating, but I’ve been trying it. This is how you meditate, okay? You sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight, which I hate more than ISIS –
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight! Alright?! It’s never gonna happen! If meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet with your elbow on your knee while kind of looking at your phone, I’d be the Dalai Lama.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS
MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight. So you sit up straight, and you breathe, and this helps you stay in the moment. Don’t bother! The moment is mediocre at best!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I mean, it’s fine. Let’s all try right now – let’s all be in the moment, in silence, right now. [A HALF-SECOND PAUSE] Sucked, right? Not fun at all!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: That was boring! You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theatre in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS
MULANEY: Have you ever just been sitting there thinking about something for twenty, twenty-five minutes, and all of a sudden you’re like “oh my god, I’m driving!” and you remember? You’re like –
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “I’m going seventy-five miles an hour! I have been for a while! I could’ve changed so many lives!” Sometimes, my wife – I have this wife – she’ll be like, “are you watching the road?” and I’m always like, “I am looking through the windshield.”
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “And I’m not gonna hit anyone, but no. I’m thinking about the Beatles.”
Hey @vulpeculavolans added a transcript to this AND THAT IS SO AWESOME THANK YOU SO MUCH!
“I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts.” Is my true ADHD/Autism experience lmaoooo
one of my favorite things in Brooklyn Nine Nine is when you can tell the writers were like “you know, Andre Braugher is an extremely talented Shakespearean actor who graduated top of his class at Juilliard…..what if we took advantage of that for our sitcom”
Homestuck: Like oompa-loompas leaping out of the woodwork at the drop of secret words or phrases. Generally Amiable to nonHomestucks, but often vicious with each other, so the trick is the same as when visiting the lands of the fairfolk: Never Actually Consume The Wares Offered.
Star Trek: By Osmosis, I know three (3) Star Trek Memes, but only know how to spell 2 of them (Tarmac Angel Lard Et Tokugawa?). Massive, old and rife with hidden politics and some very exotic deviances. Not Unlike my expiriences with the Catholic Church.
Transformers: Star Wars’ dumpsterfire of canon issues looks like a smoldering wastepaper basket compared to the chernobyl-like meltdown of Transformers Canon. Fandom is somehow extraordinalrity polite, well organized and pleasant. Like they’re having High Tea with the Fine China and Cucumber Sandwiches whils illuminated by the burning of Rome.
Steven Universe: The Show is like a coming-of-age tale set in the thunderdome, but the fandom is Thunderdome set in a McDonald’s Playplace.
Supernatural: *Viva Lad Vida faintly plays on the sad winds that echo through the ruined throne room, but the cockroaches picking at the moldering buffet seem to be having a great time*
Discworld: Listen. Listen I wholly admit to worshipping at the Altar of Sir Terry, but after a while, comparing things to discworld starts to feel like the dreaded art “compliment” of “It looks just like Disney!”. Let people have thier own creations.
Warhammer 40K: For people working with the Grimmest and Darkest of AUs, everyone here is spectacularly jolly and irreverent, at least until you bring up the price of miniatures.
Dr. Who: It comes and goes with wildly different actions and discourse every time, like the haploid and diploid generations of plants.
Star Wars: Is omitted from this list because I’m deep enough in the fandom that I’ve been through all five stages of grief and seven more stages of emotions that do not have names in the tongues of men, and have achived the nirvana of “The Fandom is those 12 people in your chat group”
Star Wars’ dumpsterfire of canon issues looks like a smoldering wastepaper basket compared to the chernobyl-like meltdown of Transformers Canon.
As a Transformers fan, I love you.
Also as a Transformers fan, this brought me joy.
And as someone experiencing the Steven Universe fandom through the lens of my significant other and looking on in utter horror, yep. very yep.
Pls someone tell me how Dragon Age fandom looks from the outside.
Dragon Age: Absolutely everyone is furious with an egg. Even the people that want to fuck the egg. There’s also a BSDM Minotaur and Oscar Wilde with a tan and some guy with a bloodsmear on his face that he’s either studiously applied every morning for like a decade or he never washes his face both options sound equally plausible. There’s some kind of issue with videogame developers trying to discuss social justice issues and completely fucking it up and y’all keep acting like that’s an unexpected outcome. Perhaps the Egg is the writing team’s self-Insert OC?
Also there’s dwarf with excellent man-clevage and for some reason you can’t romance him despite being apparently the best character in the entire series.
Now, this makes me curious about the outside perspective of The Elder Scrolls and Warcraft fandoms.
The Elder Scrolls: How does a game series with lore like “If you get up high enough on certain mountains you can still see the smoldering remains of where an asteroid almost hit, was stopped by a god, had a city built into it, the god died, and then the asteroid hit full-force becuase he’d only delayed it’s impact” and “Someone once stole the moon” LOOK SO FUCKING BORING HAS BETH ESDA NEVER SEEN A FULL-SATURATION COLOR BEFORE?? Visual monotony aside, I can see how you end up playing this obsessively for weeks and end up speaking the dragon-exploding language, even if sometimes the game has a meltdown and elephants fall out of the sky.
Actually I’m not even sure that’s a glitch that just sounds like practical world-building at this rate.
World Of Warcraft: it’s like the exact opposite of Elder scrolls- the games look baller as fuck and like a fun fanstasy adventure where you can live out your neon-colored pseudo-furry dreams and then the gameplay is a more time consuming version of an Introduction to Microeconomics class. Really if you’re any kind of good at WoW you should be able to use it for college credit. Every WoW fan i’ve ever met has been kind enough to stop explaining it to me once my eyesstarted to glaze over and if you draw their OCs they pay extrememly well.
Requested from the comments:
JoJo’s Bizzare Adventure:
JJBA uses every color that Elder Scrolls didn’t. Everyone looks and moves like Buster Keaton on amphetamines and steroids. Nobody knows what’s going on, least of all the people actually in the show. It’s very pretty and possibly gay and rock and roll references abound so you don’t really need context. The cosplay community is fucking killing it. It looks like something I really, really want to get into but the dog dies in the first ep and honestly that threw me.
Naruto: Naruto people don’t like the series- they like the unexplored potential of the characters and setting and thematic elements and virtually every narrative structure kishimoto could have used but didn’t. It hasn’t expirienced “death of the author” so much as “cataclysmic extinction of the author”, in which the fans sift for bits of passable canon like paleontologists looking for bone fragments. The reconstructions have little to no basis in canon but are gorgeous.
Marvel: Like Transformers, The ships are made up and the canon doesn’t matter. Fandom overall is much gentler and cozier than the source material, which isn’t unusual but marvel takes it to a spectacular degree. Coffee shop AUs, Stark Tower Sleepover Parties, and “everyone has a loving family, one way or another” abounds. Everyone wants to take the muscley, tortured heroes (and villians) of the franchise and put them in fleece footie Pajamas.
…90% of the time. The remaining 10% of the time they’re gonna take the knife canon shoved in that character’s back, coat it in acid, make it long enough to kill thier BBF too and TWIST. Marvel fandom does hurt/comfort like a shot of hydrochloric acid followed by seventeen gallons of hot chocolate with sprinkes and marshmallows and candycanes and unicorns.
theres a new product by verzion called “hum” that allows your parents to track your car and places you go, if your parents are controlling like mine please check under your steering wheel to make sure that they havent installed this
here is what it looks like installed:
you can read more about it here, and here– this excerpt sums up what information Hum will send:
“a car’s owner will be able to get notified on their phone when the vehicle leaves a pre-determined area or drives faster than a set speed… [Hum] will enable location tracking and a driving log, which measures travel times, engine idle times, and average speeds.”
People in abusive relationships, please check your cars.
DO NOT TRY TO UNPLUG IT BY YOURSELF!
To add to this nightmare, I’ve just heard of a thing called ForceField where people get to monitor and block internet sites that you’re going on if they don’t approve.
It tells the user what sites/apps you’re going on, for how long you’re on them, and WHERE YOU ARE ON AN UPDATING MAP.
So you know if you’re in an abusive household and use sites like tumblr to escape and talk to friends, you could be cut off from that.
They say “it’s not spyware” but it sure sounds controlling and creepy to me.
signalboost
God. Fuck. That’s scary.
Life 360 is another tracker. My parents have used it on me, not allowing me to delete it from my phone, and sometimes even demanding selfies to prove I was where the map said. (As if I’d go anywhere without my phone)
SpectorPro is another one. Afaik it can’t track location, but it takes screenshots roughly every 20sec to allow the installer to watch a video of your computer activity. It also tracks all keystrokes, so passwords aren’t safe, and records any website you visit + the duration. It’s incredibly creepy and a huge violation of privacy, and was one of the cornerstones of my abuse as a kid.
even if you’re not in an abusive relationship/family, please spread this because you might have just saved someone’s life
gaud i literally can’t even describe the experience of seeing you tentatively put the tip of the green crayon in your mouth for like the 17th time and then just suddenly chomp! chomp! the whole thing is gone and then before i can process what’s happening a whole fistful of crayons comes up to your mouth and CRONCH
just trying to hold myself accountable to promises made
