Everyone always wants to talk about Hook or Pan. Everyone always wants to debate which one is good and which is evil – who we’re supposed to follow and who we aren’t. The Peter Pan mythos has pretty much shrunk down to nothing but Hook and Pan (Hook, SyFy’s Neverland, Pan, OUAT, etc). Occasionally Tinkerbell factors in (Hook, Disney’s Tinkerbell, OUAT, etc). There’s one character, however, that always gets sidelined – which is puzzling since they are the main character of both the play and the book. That character is, of course, Wendy Darling.
Peter Pan is Wendy’s coming of age story. Wendy who decides to run away from home. Wendy who realizes that she must grow up – and that there’s no shame in that. Wendy who sees Peter as deficient and sees Hook as empty and decides that, no, she doesn’t want to be a part of that. Wendy gets the adventure she’s always wanted and she turns away because she realizes that it’s lacking. She’s the only one who truly sees the hollowness of being young forever. Barrie even says “You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than other girls.”
People always debate on who the hero is. When they learn that Peter could be horrid they assume it has to be Hook. Of course, the answer is that neither of them are the hero. Wendy is the hero of the story. You’re not supposed to be like Peter, who kept every good and bad aspects of being a child and can’t tell right from wrong. You’re not supposed to be Hook, either. He let go of everything childish and loving about him and became bitter and evil. They’re both the extreme ends of the scale. You’re supposed to fall in the middle, to hold onto the things about childhood that make it beautiful – the wonder, the imagination, the innocence – while still growing up and learning morality and responsibility. You’re not supposed to be Hook. You’re not supposed to be Peter Pan.
It was a considerable challenge to put this much detail into this piece.
Between the feathers, the lighting, and the detail in his skin, I really had my work cut out for me.
I seem to be in a muted color kind of mood these days. I don’t know what that’s about, but I don’t hate it. There’s a time for bright colors and there’s a time to put them away.
Tweed is not a time to experiment with bright colors.
Doug Jones. The name doesn’t ring a bell, does it? Probably not. But I’m here to tell you that this bitch is fabulous.
He started out as a mime and a professional contortionist. He got into acting and has acted in over 25 movies and numerous television shows. Still doesn’t ring any bells? Probably because Doug’s gig is characters and crazy ass costumes and shit.
Here’s a picture of him:
Still not look too familiar? Well, maybe you saw Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer?
Doug Jones.
Or, are you a Buffy fan? Remember the episode “Hush”?
Look familiar now? He’s the one in the front.
Did you like the movie Pan’s Labyrinth?
Doug Jones.
Doug Jones.
Did you like the Hellboy movies?
Doug Jones.
Doug Jones.
Doug Mother Fucking Jones.
Or, hey! Were you born in the 90’s? Remember the movie Hocus Pocus that would play on Disney Channel every halloween? Remember this guy?:
Yup. Doug Jones.
Still not convinced of how badass this guy is? Here’s some awesome for you.
It took him 5 hours to get into the Pale Man costume in Pan’sLabyrinth, and, once in it, he could only just slightly see out of the nose holes, but he was mostly blind.
And the costume for Fauno himself? Well, he could only just barely see out of the nose holes in that one, too. The actual head part was filled with mechanics that made the eyebrows and ears move. And those mechanics were so loud that he couldn’t hear while inside of it, so he had to memorize Ofelia’s lines as well as his own so that he could say them in his head to know when to talk. Oh, and he doesn’t actually speak any Spanish at all, so he was memorizing both his, and someone else’s lines in a language he couldn’t speak.
Doug Mother Fucking Jones.
Werk.
This is once more relevant since Doug Jones is at it again– he’s gonna be the hot fish man in Del Toro’s The Shape of Water.
Because you can never blog Dougie enough.
His ‘breakout’ was the MacTonight commercials (most of you are probably to young to remember those) as Moonhead
And c’mon kiddies, don’t you know who is playing the Thin Clown in ‘Batman Returns?’ Great speech, Oswald…
In Del Toro’s Crimson Peak, he played both of the other ghosts.
And like the previously mentioned films, he shot this sequence with limited sight due to the prosthetics. Look at that.
Face it, you’ve seen him everywhere and probably didn’t realize it. Let’s give it up for The Dougie.
I think the worst part is Doug Jones like almost never get’s credited with other actors, he’s almost always credited further down as a stunt man or something. In ‘The Shape of Water’ trailers his name isn’t with the other actors even though he’s literally a main character 😐 He’s not just a dude in a rubber suit! He’s a legit talented actor capable of doing things a lot of other actors can’t do.
Me: [kneels down in front of faerie queen, head bowed] Queen: [taps my right shoulder with a sword] Queen: “I dub thee a knight or whatever.” Me: [doesn’t move] Queen: “Uh. It’s over. Why… are you still kneeling?” Me: “Well ma’am I was kinda hoping you’d play with my hair.”
Queen: [sighs, ruffles}
Queen: “Like that?”
Me: “Aaaaaand with that, my fealty is guaranteed for like… eternity.”
Faerie: “Your Majesty, did you put your own human knight into an enchanted sleep?” Queen: “No! They just… passed out. Right there. Take care not to step on them during the revels, I think they’ll be fine…”
You’re walking through the woods in a fantasy novel when you are suddenly confronted by a Count, a Baron, a Marquis, and a Chancellor. They demand that you choose which of them is most likely to be the Evilest One of All.
To whom do you offer the Golden Apple of Villainy?
Do the wickedest thing possible and eat it yourself.
Actually I was being Contrarian and Unhelpful and for that I apologise, but I stand by my position:
What are all these chucklefucks doing out in the woods harassing random fruit-bearing civilians? They literally identify themselves by the jobs they’re clearly playing hooky from. If this gang of deplorables has hoofed it out of thier assorted fortresses and palaces to ask ME who’s the worst of the worst, I draw some conclusions:
1. They’re asking me to rank, and therefore, order them. They’re depending on me for some kind of structure here.
2. Given that these are Fantasy Woods (that are probably) in a Fantasy World, it’s good odds they’re looking to me to solve the hierarchy issue they face so they can stop squabbling and go back to enjoying the spoils of their various misdeeds.
3. At the very least, they’ve got money riding on it.
In their defense, they DID make sure to ask me to choose “Which of them is most likely to be the Evilest One of All.” So I’ll pick one of them as requested, based on how laborious thier facial-hair routine looks, but being that we’re in a Fantasy World that the Golden Apple of Villiany is capitalized, it sounds like the kind of artefact that comes with its own terms and conditions* and isn’t the kind of thing you go foisting off on any cape-wearing machevelian weirdo you meet on the highway. Besides, they only asked me to pick one, not award them the Apple.
*Not, unlike the real world Apple Corporation, curiously.
But we’re also at kind fo a crucuible here, and Fantasy Rules Of Checkov’s Gun dictate that I can’t just keep The Apple in my pocket. (It’s a fantasy world, I can have pockets big enough to keep apples in)
Since they’re looking for order, probably to end a poinless war that is causing all manner of suffering, and The Golden Apple of Villiany should go to whoever does the most Evil things. The Nature of Evil is Nebulous and Debatable, but we’ve got a few generally agreed upon axioms, namely “All Evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” Completely failing to end a civil war despite having the artefact to do so is a pretty spectacular example of Doing Nothing and therefore a spectacular triumph of Evil and since we’re having a contest I Can’t NOT eat this Most Maleficus Malus.*
*This is a trick.
I am CLEARLY not A Hero, esp if my first instinct is to Eat The Golden Apple Of Villiany. and since we’re in some kind of didactic narrative-driven fantasy world, Only A Great Hero can actually resolve this nonsense.
Destroying such a powerful artefact and ruining The One Shot these various villians had of something resembling peace (at least enough to prevent the peasants from revolting), will almost certainly escalate the situation to the point where A Great Hero will be forced into existence to deal with this gang of assholes.
Thus actually resolving the problem and reducing the overall amount of Evil.
Which isn’t very villianous of me at all, but as an idndividual action does not violate the Terms and Conditions, SUCK IT APPLE.
This entire ramble is actually just an excuse to point out that you can call The Golden Apple of Villiany a Most Maleficus Malus.
You’re walking through the woods in a fantasy novel when you are suddenly confronted by a Count, a Baron, a Marquis, and a Chancellor. They demand that you choose which of them is most likely to be the Evilest One of All.
To whom do you offer the Golden Apple of Villainy?
Funny, isn’t it? All you need to reliably bait the most qualified and evil people in the land is a shining, golden prize and a title of the ‘very best’. All you have to do is wait a couple of decades, enough for the tale to fade into obscurity for a while and then start up the towns rumor mill again and hope that no Aspiring Heroes try to apply.
The Baron blusters with ruddy cheeks about how he executes townsfolk for his own entertainment, the Marquis counters with the heinous taxes he imposes on his lands and laughs as the poor get poorer and his coffers grow. The Count argues that his research into the Dark Arts and his sacrifices to further his endeavours speak for themselves. The chancellor laughs at all of them, for he doesn’t have the time nor the care to list his crimes. Its far too easy to rack them up in government, after all.
The smile you grant them perhaps has too many teeth, too sharp to belong to one of the peasants they work to the bone on their lands for pittance, eyes too cunning and sly. They do not notice, fixated only on the golden apple you have taken out of your humble satchel their attention arrested on the one rumored objects of their desires.
There is stillness in the forest for only a second before each of them tumble forward, pushing each each other aside in their frenzy to claim the Apple.
The Marquis pulls out a dagger and thrusts it into the heart of the Baron. The Chancellor’s sword finds the calves of the Count, though not before he looses a bolt of necrotic energy at the Marquis.
All the whole you stand there, apple in hand, smiling.
Bloody minutes pass, and the Chancellor approaches. His robes are tattered, one eye closed from the blood that flows from a head wound and a limp from a freshly broken leg. His ability to mislead and wait things out was his winning strategy, the other three taking care of themselves with a little help from his spelled sword.
He looks at his prize still held in your cold, cold hand, and he laughs. Slowly at first, then maniacally as he continues.
“I knew it would be me!” He cackles gleefully, “I know the rest of those buggers didn’t hold a candle against me,” he reaches for the Apple, avarice gleaming in his eyes as he seems to forget there’s a whole ‘nother being holding it.
His fingertips only have to brush across the surface of the fruit when a shudder wracks the very earth beneath them, jogging trees out of place and shifting their roots.
A splitting screech rends the air around you, though you are unburdened by this sound. You’ve learned to acclimated to it, when the sounds of the souls of the damned are the music to which you work most days. The Chancellor stands stock still, his long face drawn out into an agonising scream that simply blends in with the chorus. It is mere seconds before his lifeless body slumps to the quiet forest ground and you sigh, hefting the apple, slightly heavier now with another soul, back into your bag.
“Perhaps the next generation will yield someone truly terrible,” you muse to yourself, leathery wings unfurling as you open the portal back home. “I really do need to fill the Deputy General Manager position sometime this century, but applications these days are all so lack-lustre.” After all, Hell is getting very oversubscribed these days.
My cat is touched-starved and demanding because everyone else but me is unwilling to pet her. They are unwilling to pet her because she is a bad person who loves crime and hurting people. She doesn’t understand how these things are connected and so I must bear the full load of both her affection and her bloodthirsty violence.
#she is currently poking holes in my body and vibrating
#while i am still bleeding from when i reached towards my computer and she decided that was punishable
