“Hey, how is it that we’ve all managed faster-than-light interstellar travel and it’s relatively commonplace?”
“Don’t you know?”
“I never really paid attention in school.”
“Oh, well, it’s simple, really. All it takes is—”
[LOUD TRAIN NOISES]
“Wow! Really? That’s incredible! What an amazing technology. Thank you for telling me this.”
Alternatively:
“Hey, how are you able to make this interstellar voyage in an amount of time comparable to sailing a ship across an ocean?”
“I have no idea. I sit at the controls, put on a blindfold, and start pressing buttons and hoping for the best.”
“That seems… unwise…”
“It hasn’t failed me yet.”
“How do you make this thing go thousands of times faster than the speed of light?”
“Oh, you know. I just press some buttons and hope the laws of physics look the other way.”
“That’s insane.”
“It helps if I’m really wasted.”
“How do you make FTL travel work?”
“Well, this button sends us into a dimension of darkness and horror inhabited by todash monsters incomprehensible to the human brain, where the laws of reality do not dare to set foot for fear of corruption.”
“That sounds… bad…”
“Yeah. On second thought, let’s stay put. One habitable planet is just as good as the next, I think.”
“Yeah. Space is a silly place.”
“I can’t believe the ancients used to have spacefaring technology. That was thousands of years ago! How did we lose that? Where did we go wrong?”
“Are you referring to the dilithium crystal myth?”
“Yeah. They used them to power their starships.”
“You know ‘starship’ was a euphemism, right? They didn’t actually travel through interstellar space. They just ground up dilithium crystals into a psychoactive ointment and applied it between their legs and the resulting trip probably made them feel like they went to the stars. The idea that they ‘rode’ on ‘starships’ actually just means they used—”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear it. History majors ruin everything.”
“How do you expect to get a ship of this size to the other side of the galaxy in such a short period of time? I don’t see any cryosleep chambers, so I can only surmise you’ve discovered FTL travel.”
“Very astute, my dear fellow. It operates under a simple mechanism that I’m sure you’re already familiar with, in some crude fashion. May I ask you a personal question? Good. Do you accept that the universe is a cruel and spiteful place?”
“Well… I uh… I don’t know. I guess I’m agnostic, when it comes down to it, but…”
“But it sure seems as though the cosmos at large seek at all times to punish hubris, yes? To elevate heroes only as an excuse to dash them against the rocks? Surely you’ve heard the saying ‘no good deed goes unpunished’?”
“Of course.”
“It’s true. Nature abhors a vacuum of retribution. This is the theory I have developed and upon which I have based my life’s work. All the pilot of this vessel has to do is declare, “Boy howdy, I sure am glad this ship will never leave the planet and its crew dragged across the galaxy to land safely on Egoni Beta c! I am too good of a pilot for that to ever happen!” and the universe will take care of the rest out of spite.”
“You’re exploiting the Universal Law of Situational Irony?”
“Exploiting? I am obeying it in the only way I know how.”
“You’re an accomplished starship pilot. May I ask you how FTL travel works?”
“To be honest, I have no idea. The computer takes care of that. Nobody likes to admit it, but there isn’t a human alive who could tell you the means by which we achieved warp speed. Computers have been designing themselves for generations and we don’t really know how they work, just that they do.”
“Oh. Then… then why do you have this control room? You’ve got all kinds of buttons and wheels and algorithms in here! Surely you must do something to make this ship go.”
“It’s all for show. It doesn’t actually matter what I do in here, but pressing buttons makes my monkey brain feel accomplished. You see, the computers take care of absolutely everything for us, but they’re programmed to prioritize keeping the essential human spirit alive through trials and hardship. Nothing too difficult, mind you, but just tricky enough to make us feel invigorated when we ‘solve’ our problems. I’m pretty sure they engineer dangerous situations just so we can rescue ourselves in the nick of time. Otherwise we’ll become complacent, and the spark of enterprising humanity that brought us here will fade. Not sure if I believe that, but the computers do, and that’s what matters. So I press some buttons at random, put on my captain’s hat, spin the wheel, and pretend I am having some kind of effect upon the universe.”
“But that’s so depressing!”
“Is it? Sounds like you just need to press some buttons. Look – they’re bright and colorful and they go ‘beep beep’! What more could you want?”
“I recently learned that the Ardavan Principle was first discovered by a fiction writer in the early 21st century. That seems wild to me… do you know if it’s true? I always thought Ardavan must have been a famous quantum physicist to have discovered the key to faster-than-light travel!”
“Nope! Nadia Ardavan was a sci-fi author with a degree in horticulture. She actually developed the Ardavan Principle for one of her novels. The story goes that her readers and peers gave her a hard time for handwaving aspects of her worldbuilding to focus instead on speculative botany. They kept complaining that her stories weren’t ‘hard sci-fi’ because, while the botany was exhaustively researched and captivatingly believable, she never bothered to give an in-depth and scientifically plausible explanation for how her human characters could travel so easily and quickly between distant planets. You know the ancient proverb, ‘necessity is the mother of invention’?”
“Yeah, it sounds familiar…”
“Well. Necessity has nothing on pure spite.”
never underestimate the will of a science fiction author to make something plausible just because someone said it was impossible.
The second to last one is the plot of Asimov’s short story Escape!
Also, you realize how disappointed I am after having googled Nadia Ardavan?
wish customer service jobs operated w video game standards, so a customer would come up to me and i’d say “greetings traveler! looking to trade?” and they’d only had 4 options for their response
i’d just stand there wiping down the same part of the counter for 8 hours until my shift ended and then id drop everything and walk away and if you tried to interact with me i’d just keep running into you silently until you moved
Having sensory issues is weird. Like someone rings the doorbell once and there go my evening plans
Yesterday I touched a box that felt “wrong” and I spent the rest of night trying to get that feeling off my hands.
i scraped my teeth together while eating so I didn’t finish my meal
Oh my god this is a thing??? I’ve been doing this shit all my life. I’d touch something wrong and try to touch correctly for hours afterword
The trying to get a feeling off of your hands thing happens to me ALL THE TIME
I don’t have a wrong texture, but i do have a few wrong sounds, for example when a fork scratches against a plate (nothing happens with other, similar sounds), my entire body will squirm and tense up completely involountarily when i hear that, it sucks
Sometimes I’ll be trying to sleep and I won’t because the sheets feel fucking wrong, the radio sounds fucking wrong and everything is wrong so I have to go take a shower just so everything can feel right again.
Sensory issues are weird, man.
and then it’s 2am and the bedsheets are wet. somedays you just don’t win
anyone else have to ‘balance’ how you walk,, like walking on paving and sidewalks and stuff, if you do you’ll know what i mean, like one foot feels heavier or something because you’ve stepped on too much of one type of sidewalk too much compared to the other one?
i have exactly this! i always assumed it was fairly common among people with sensory issues. anyone know if there’s a term for it?
it has happened before. it will happen again. it has been lost before. it will be lost again. and again. and again. and again. art and architecture are transient, and temporary, and 850 years may seem like a lot to the individual, who will live maybe 100 if they are very lucky and very healthy, but even the pyramids at saqqara have only existed for about 6000 years and that’s still not all that much, if you consider the grand scheme of things.
yes, this is terrible. as someone who is deeply religious and literally a professional historian with a focus on art and architecture, this is terrible. im mourning. im gutted. im horrified and upset and miserable. but.
it’s not over.
victor hugo wrote hunchback because notre dame du paris was in the process of collapsing and falling apart, and revitalized the entire world’s focus and love for this church, and that was not even 200 years ago. it led to it being renovated.
the roof has fallen in. the scars of fires are on its buttresses. the rose window has fallen out. the beams and piers have collapsed. the spire has toppled. the stones have suffered, and will suffer again, but it is not gone.
renovation work is essential. sometimes things collapse and burn and break and have to come back. it’s not a terrorist attack, it’s renovation, an accident, but we have so much evidence, history, carefully documented everything on one of the most studied places in the world.
it’s not the end.
Hey so, French person here. And also an ex History student. I’m here to say: Please listen to o.p. above.
Obviously everyone is shocked but here’s a few important key facts:
The roof is completely gone. Part of it dated back from the 13th century but the rest was from the 19th. The stone arch roof under the top roof is fine.
One of the three main stained glass rose windows has fallen out. Most of the other stained glass windows are okay.
The spire has fallen down and that’s the saddest part. BUT! It was in the process of being restored and the 16 statues that were there were removed just four days ago! So they’re fine.
The main structure is still here and nothing has “burned down” unlike what some people have been saying.
The “treasure” (sacred objects) is safe.
Notre Dame is still there. It’s just damaged. Almost nothing was lost today, and nobody was wounded either. It’s scary, but it’s gonna be okay.
To the people that keep calling me stupid in the comments:
Yes, I know, the fire is still not completely out and the damage still needs to be fully evaluated. This comment is based on the live coverages I’ve been watching all evening.
However the worst is behind us even if the firemen have been saying it’s a “difficult fire” (”un feu difficile”).
On the topic of works of art that were inside:
UPDATE (10:20 pm):
Apparently the fire is still going in the north tower.
The firemen seem worried there’s possible structural damage there.
The fire is also still going at the back of the roof.
It currently looks like this:
UPDATE (10:44 pm):
Firemen at the entrance (source:
REUTERS/Philippe Wojazer). We can see inside the cathedral. The stone arch roof has apparently been damaged in some places but as you can see the inside of the main structure isn’t on fire so far.
The firemen are doing all they can. One of them has apparently been wounded.
UPDATE (11:05 pm):
“Le feu a baissé en intensité. On peut penser que la structure de
Notre-Dame est sauvée, notamment le beffroi nord”, a déclaré le
secrétaire d’Etat auprès du ministre de l’Intérieur Laurent Nunez.
La
structure de Notre-Dame de
Paris “est sauvée et préservée dans sa globalité” a précisé le
responsable des pompiers. Mais les deux-tiers de la toiture seraient en
revanche partis en fumée.
“The fire’s intensity has decreased. We think the general structure of Notre-Dame is saved, including the north tower,” declared the Secretary of State to the interior minister Laurent Nunez.
The structure of Notre-Dame de Paris “has been saved and preserved in general” added the chief fireman. But two-thirds of the roof have gone up in flames.”
LAST (I hope) UPDATE (00:40 am):
The fire is contained. The wounded firefighter is apparently out of danger.
Don’t get me wrong, this is a disaster, but it could have gone so much worse.
Here’s what the inside of the main building looks like after the fireon the roof.
[Image: photo of the inside of Notre Dame, with a firefighter in the foreground. Water is covering the checkered tiled floor. The stone roof has collapsed in two distinct areas each situated between two keystones, but seems otherwise mostly intact. Apart from these two areas, what we can see of the interior structure seems untouched. There’s smoke in the distance. The altar and the golden cross in the background seem untouched too, as well as most of the pews and chairs.]
FINAL UPDATE (next morning, 09:45 am), please reblog this version and not the outdated info:
One firefighter was injured, and two policemen were
slightly injured.
The structural damage is being evaluated but the main structure is
still there; a (relatively small) part of the stone roof has collapsed,
though.
The wooden part of the roof has been almost entirely destroyed because
that’s where the fire (accidentally) started.
The “treasure” (the most sacred relics and items) was confirmed saved
very early on.
The spire that was added during the 19th century restoration has
fallen down (however as stated before the 16 statues that were there had been removed 4 days ago). It contained some relics, which are lost.
According to the fire fighters, the main organ is damaged, but the
bells are still in place, and (according to them) most of the paintings that were still inside
were only damaged by water and soot, so they will be restored. Some of the large paintings (”les grands formats”) were partly damaged by fire.
The sources about the stained glass windows contradict each other but
it’s certain that at least one of the small rose ones has fallen down (one
that was at the back of the building). Some sources say every stained glass window is
gone (unlikely, see photo below), some other sources say most of them are still there. Wait & see.
Do you want to see something really cool, though?
That rose stained glass window seems mostly intact, which seemed very unlikely at first considering how close it was to one of the collapsed parts of the stone ceiling. It literally collapsed right in front of it. Honestly I’m a bit stunned by this photo so I mainly made this last update to share it with you guys.
In 2009, the attorney general for the island state of Tasmania stated that Australian wallabies had been found creating crop circles in fields of opium poppies, which are grown legally for medicinal use, after consuming some of the opiate-laden poppies and running in circles
In case anyone is wondering, here is what said crop circles look like.
yesterday for April Fool’s my workplace had a short training article on recognizing computer-generated faces from real ones and one of the tricks mentioned was “count the teeth” and I just wanted to say that it’s both ironic and kind of horrifying how society has unwittingly cycled right back to IF YE MEET A MAN ON THE ROAD, COUNT HIS FINGERS LEST YE DEAL UNKNOWING WITH A FAE
The fae were time traveling AIs.
Fairyland? The future.
Mushroom rings were disguised time portals. Explains how people could be gone for a day and come back 100 years later– the AIs dropped them off later for fun.
The food that was so good, everything else tasted like ashes? Modern cooking laced with drugs.
The faerie “magic” was just advanced science. The only-telling-the-truth comes from an integral part of their code, Asimov-style. The fear of iron comes from a far of magnets that could be used to wipe their harddrive.
The Wild Hunt/Changlings? AI who find the whole thing hilarious. Robot humor at it’s finest. Look at the squishy extinct sapients run.
It’s late and I tied and have sent far to much thinking about this.
That’s Deep Blue, they think she’s the biggest white shark ever filmed
Of course it’s a girl. She’s beautiful and I’ll keep my hands inside the cage at all times
I…I love her.
My daughter is beautiful and strong.
her dorsal fin is longer than a full grown adult but I in all my 5’2" glory still wants to protect her
I am, I believe, the reasonable amount of scared of sharks that a smart soft mammal should be, but I definitely just said “whos a big pretty girl” at the screen.
Thank you, tumblr, for reminding me that things I’m afraid of are beautiful too.
So I got curious and look this giant up and found this picture of the diver high fiving her as she passed. According to the article, not only is Deep Blue big but in the picture she’s super pregnant too.
This is a really helpful page in my CBT textbook for tackling some of the maladaptive beliefs we often hold. The first column lists the rules and assumptions we often may tell ourselves, while the second column is a more functional belief. Just thought I would pass this along. Be kind to yourselves, friends❤
Oh my god, number 5. And 6, and 7.
I frigging needed that.
Failure is not a permanent condition.
The text on the image:
Maladaptive belief:
If I don’t do as well as others, I’m a failure. More functional belief:
If I don’t do as well as others, I’m not a failure, just human.
Maladaptive belief: If I ask for help, it’s a sign of weakness. More functional belief: If I ask for help when I need it, I’m showing good problem-solving abilities (which is a sign of strength).
Maladaptive belief: If I fail at work/school, I’m a failure as a person. More functional belief:
If I fail at work/school, it’s not a reflection of my whole self. (My whole self includes how I am as a friend, daughter, sister, relative, citizen, and community member, and my qualities of kindness, sensitivity to others, helpfulness, etc.) Also, failure is not a permanent condition.
Maladaptive belief: I should be able to excel at everything I try. More functional belief: I shouldn’t be able to excel at something unless I am gifted in that area (and am willing and able to devote considerable time and effort toward it at the expense of other things.
Maladaptive belief: I should always work hard and do my best. More functional belief: I should put in a reasonable amount of effort much of the time.
Maladaptive belief: If I don’t live up to my potential, I have failed. More functional belief: If I do less than my best, I have succeeded perhaps 70%, 80%, or 90%; not 0%.
Maladaptive belief: If I don’t work hard all the time, I’ll fail. More functional belief:
If I don’t work hard all the time, I’ll probably do reasonably well and have a more balanced life.
Very good news from Twitter, aside from where the spire fell through the vault, the inside of the cathedral is looking relatively alright. Breathtaking pictures.
More pictures.
That picture of the cross glowing through the smoke, embers raining down, that is going to last forever. That is going to be on front pages and in history books. That will be one of those iconic photos of history that never fades.
