“Oh yeah, every time that dad forgets mom is dead, we head to the cemetery so he can see her gravestone.”
WHAT. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some version of this awful story. Stop taking people with dementia to the cemetery. Seriously. I cringe every single time someone tells me about their “plan” to remind a loved one that their loved one is dead.
I also hear this a lot: “I keep reminding mom that her sister is dead, and sometimes she recalls it once I’ve said it.” That’s still not a good thing. Why are we trying to force people to remember that their loved ones have passed away?
If your loved one with dementia has lost track of their timeline, and forgotten that a loved one is dead, don’t remind them. What’s the point of reintroducing that kind of pain? Here’s the thing: they will forget again, and they will ask again. You’re never, ever, ever, going to “convince” them of something permanently.
Instead, do this:
“Dad, where do you think mom is?”
When he tells you the answer, repeat that answer to him and assert that it sounds correct. For example, if he says, “I think mom is at work,” say, “Yes, that sounds right, I think she must be at work.” If he says, “I think she passed away,” say, “Yes, she passed away.”
People like the answer that they gave you. Also, it takes you off the hook to “come up with something” that satisfies them. Then, twenty minutes later, when they ask where mom is, repeat what they originally told you.
I support this sentiment. Repeatedly reminding someone with faulty memory that a loved one has died isn’t a kindness, it’s a cruelty. They have to relieve the loss every time, even if they don’t remember the grief 15 minutes later.
In other words, don’t try to impose your timeline on them in order to make yourself feel better. Correcting an afflicted dementia patient will not cure them. They won’t magically return to your ‘real world’. No matter how much you might want them to.
It’s a kindness of old age, forgetting. Life can be very painful. Don’t be the one ripping off the bandage every single time.
I used to work as a companion in a nursing home where one of the patients was CONVINCED I was her sister, who’d died 40 years earlier. And every time one of the nurses said “that’s not Janet, Janet is dead, Alice, remember?” Alice would start sobbing.
So finally one day Alice did the whole “JANET IS HERE” and this nurse rather nastily went “Janet is dead” and before it could go any further I said “excuse me??? How dare you say something so horrible to my sister?”
The nurse was pissed, because I was “feeding Alice’s delusions.” Alice didn’t have delusions. Alice had Alzheimer’s.
But I made sure it went into Alice’s chart that she responded positively to being allowed to believe I was Janet. And from that point forward, only my specific patient referred to me as “Nina” in front of Alice—everyone else called me Janet, and when Alice said my name wasn’t Nina I just said “oh, it’s a nickname, that’s all.” It kept her calm and happy and not sobbing every time she saw me.
It costs zero dollars (and maybe a little bit of fast thinking) to not be an asshole to someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia. Be kind.
I wish I had heard this stuff when Grandma was still here.
I read once that you have to treat dementia patients more like it’s improv, like you have to take what they say and say to yourself “ok, and” and give them more of a story to occupy them and not just shut it down with something super harsh.
A nurse I used to work with always told us: “If a man with dementia is trying to get out of bed to go to work, don’t tell him he’s 90 and in a nursing home. Tell him it’s Sunday and he can stay in bed. If a woman with dementia is trying to stand because she wants to get her husband’s dinner out of the oven, don’t tell her he’s been dead for 20 years. Tell her you’ll do it for her and she can sit back down.”
Always remembered that, always did it. Nothing worse than hearing someone with memory loss ask the same question over and over again only to be met with: “We already told you!”
Just tell them again.
I’ve worked with elderly dementia patients, and I agree with all the above. Treat them as you’d like to be treated in the same situation.
Same. I’ve worked with patients like these and even my grandma was convinced for a day that I was my aunt. Just roll with it.
For anyone living in Europe: the first heatwave of the season is forecast for tomorrow, and will likely stretch until Friday. Please stay safe.
Open your windows at night BUT close everything, including blinds and curtains, during the day
If you need it, buy a fan, a cold blanket or a cooler
Drink a lot
Also drink mostly water, without ice
If you can, avoid getting out in the sun between 11am and 6pm
If you need to go outside, wear sunscreen and a hat
Also loose clothes and natural, breathable fabrics
Think of your pets!
Make sure they have access to water and shade, bring them inside the house if possible, don’t leave them in a car alone
Check on your grandma and other elderly relatives!
Old people are at risk during hot weather, so remind them to drink and stay inside with their blinds closed
If you or people you know are experiencing the following symptoms
breathlessness
chest pain
confusion
intense thirst
weakness
dizziness
cramps that get worse or don’t go away
call an ambulance.
I’m really worried about these temperatures, I hope everyone stays safe!!
As someone from the southern US, a few pieces of additional advice:
Sweating is a sign that your body is doing what it’s supposed to in hot weather and trying to cool you off. If nothing about your environment has change, but you’ve stopped sweating, you’re dehydrated.
Water is great, but gatorade and powerade were specifically designed to replace important electrolytes you lose when sweating.
If the heat and humidity get to be too much for you and you have access to one, put your hair up and take a short, cool shower.
Sounds silly, but get a spray bottle and keep it in the fridge. If you’re going outside to do things like yardwork, take it with you and give yourself an occasional misting. Very refreshing!
What coffeebuddha has written is really awesome advice. Being that it gets up into the 100s here in DFW, Texas (that’s Fahrenheit, of course) I routinely make my house a cave and I mushroom for a great deal of the summer. I make sure my errands get done as early in the day as the stores will allow with their hours, and I actually walk in the early early morning when the sun isn’t up yet. I am very fair-skinned and sunburn easily, and am very susceptible to heat rash and other lovely heat-induced issues, so being a mushroom is very good for me.
Arizonans (and other US southwesterners) treat summer the same way northerners treat winter – the outside is trying to kill you. Dress appropriately. Carry or wear protection if you’re going outside (hats, umbrellas). Remember that wearing natural fibers will cool you off better than baring more skin. Have more water (or gatorade) around than you think you’ll need. Stay out of the sun as much as possible. Dont walk your dogs on hot pavement.
And remember to eat. The heat will make you think you dont need to. Do it anyway. Light foods, like fresh fruits or veggies, will help.
I’d just like to add, see how they behave when they’re angry/frustrated/exhausted, and if you see something that concerns you, wait until they’re calm, and then talk to them about it.
My husband used to yell when he got frustrated, but after I explained to him that I found it upsetting, he stopped yelling and started consciously working on asking for help before he got to that level of frustration.
When I’m upset over something, or just in a bad mood, I tend to withdraw. My husband explained to me that it makes him feel like I’m mad at him, so now when I need some space, I’ll tell him what I’m upset about, or that I’m in a bad mood for no particular reason, and I need to be alone for a little while.
See your friends and partners at their worst, but don’t assume that their worst is immutable. If someone loves and cares about you, they’ll try to accommodate you to the best of their ability.
^^^^ This is the best advice I’ve ever seen on this site, and it is so important. Communication is everything, and is 80% of the reason my husband and I have such a healthy, strong, and supportive relationship.
100% correct medical information on tumblr for once; also consider calling 911 if you don’t know how often the person has seizures and ESPECIALLY if the seizure has lasted 5 minutes or more (which is why the watch is critical)
I have epilepsy so making sure the word is out on how to help people who do have seizures means a lot to me.
If you haven’t gone to college, GO TO COLLEGE. Take classes that interest you, and something will inspire you to pursue it for a career.
Here’s the thing they never told us about college: it’s the last time in your life you can focus 100% on education and just increasing your knowledge. It’s also the best time in your life to learn how to think critically, to be challenged in your beliefs, and to explore who you want to be, in a relatively safe environment.
You don’t have to go to an expensive university; you can go to a local community college for your AA or BA, and by the time you graduate, you’ll know if you want to continue with your education, or go on to work in whatever discipline you’ve found that inspires you.
I don’t have a ton of regrets in my life, but one of the VERY big ones is that I don’t have a formal college education, or a college degree. So if I’m giving 20 year-old me advice it’s this: you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t go to college, and have the experience of being in college with other people who are your own age who are at the same place you are in your life, studying and learning about things that will serve you for the rest of your existence on Earth.
If you are scrolling through Tumblr trying to distract yourself from something you don’t want to think about, or you’re looking for a sign. It is going to be okay. Just breathe. You are alive and you matter.
I have been dealing with a certain degree of anxiety disorder for a while now. I have some tips on fighting it. Of course I’m no professional and professional help comes first. These tips come from my own experience:
🌼 Professional help
Therapy -I will continue praising therapy til’ the day I die and yet it doesn’t have to be for everyone. Just remember it’s a very good and healthy option of coping.
Medications -Doctor can prescribe these if they think it’s needed. I’ve expressed my slightly negative stance to pills before but I am big believer that if you need help, modern medicine is a way to go.
🌼 Right here, right now
Focus on now -It’s very common for people with anxiety to worry about the past or the future. Try to look around instead. Be like a child, fascinated by every little thing.
Take your focus elsewhere -I’m not saying you should avoid your feelings all the time but sometimes you just need to overcome the anxiety and keep pushing through whatever life threw at you. Try to force your brain to work on something else. My personal method is looking around and naming things I see in german. German is a third language for me and I am not very good at it, therefore it takes my brain a lot of work. Entschuldigung meine deutschen Freunde.
🌼 Be gentle with yourself
Imagine you’re calming down a friend -Be nice to yourself just as you would be to a panicking friend. Talk to yourself gently, argue against the anxiety.
Comfort -Find things that calm you down and feel generally comforting. For me it’s some TV show, music or a book I like to come back to. Some people like to create or move around. I’m more comfortable creating stuff when I feel good but that’s just my personal way of things.
You don’t always have to producitve -Don’t push yourself too hard, okay?
Try things out -Let’s say a task that needs to be done in the future stresses you out real bad. Try not thinking about what’s going to happen or what will you have to do. Just sit down and do it. Just for 5 minutes. Or 2 minutes. That’s very little, isn’t it? In that time you’ll either get to work successfully or you can leave very quickly.
🌼 Talk about it
Talk to your friends and family –Let them know what’s happening. Most of my friends who arent’s so close to me still think I am the calmest person ever. They believe nothing scares me or stresses me out, even tho I am unbelievably anxious about almost everything. Let your loved ones know what’s wrong, they may not see it themselves.
Let them give opinions -If something gives you strong anxiety, present the problem to someone. They may talk you out of being so stressed about an issue that doesn’t necessarily have to be there.
don’t fill up the pot the whole way, leave about an inch of rim so you can actually water
but don’t plant way too deep either, this could lead to air flow issues which can lead to rot
don’t use really big pots for small plants. it makes it very hard to know when to water.
only go up an inch or so in diameter every time you repot. if you get a new plant and find it has almost no roots you can sometimes even go down a size. I’ve found many common houseplants like Philodendrons especially like this.
remove plants from plastic pots by gently squeezing, not always by pulling on the plant
remove plants from terracotta or ceramic/glazed pots by being gentleeee and maybe by running a knife or other utensil around the diameter of the pot if it’s really stuck and also by praying
loosen the roots by squeezing or gently untangling the root ball
it’s ok if you break some roots i promise
sometimes you’ll want to remove as much of the old soil as you can, other times just remove enough to leave some loose roots
throw small amount dirt in bottom of pot first, then place plant in. the base of the plant should ideally be level with where you want it when fully planted. if not, lift up and add more dirt and repeat
some plants you can plant deeper than they originally were, others you can’t
add dirt around the plant, packing gently. don’t pack it super duper tight but don’t just toss it in there loosely either
add one handful at a time. rotating the pot is easiest
rotate and gently pack, rotate and gently pack until dirt level is where you want it
water your plant in when finished. water deeply until the water runs out of the bottom. this is important to prevent air pockets (roots can’t grow in air). with succulents you may want to wait a few days to water in to prevent rot but most times they’ll be ok.
if you did have air pockets, your dirt might settle a bit. add some more and water again.
